Headley Hauser – that’s me.
You might have seen my TV show, Headley and the Rug (and Cral) or
read my novella, Trouble in Taos, or seen my exquisite articles in
prestigious newspapers, bound compilations, web sites, and bathroom
walls across the country.
Just Plain Stupid – that’s
not me. I’m not stupid. Really – I’m not stupid. Alright, if
you look at my latest business card it says “just plain stupid,”
under my name, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t do that. You
see, I write for an outfit called Go Figure Reads dot com. I write
for them because… well, they’re the best I could get.
And do they know it! I don’t
want to say I’m being abused but, I’m being abused. First of
all, I’ve written a bunch of stuff that’s just bursting with
publishability, but they’re sitting on it. It took ‘em forever
to release Trouble in Taos, and then they put a bunch of stupid junk
in there to ruin it for all of us. They also came up with the
business cards, and now… this blog.
“You have lots of stupid
stuff, Headley,” they say to me. “Why not blog it and see if
anyone is willing to read it? After all, Dave Barry made a career of
being stupid, not to mention Christopher Moore, Douglas Adams, and
the Carls, Hiaasen and Lombardi, so why can’t you?”
First of all, I agree that Barry
and both Carls write stupid stuff – or used to write stupid stuff
in the case of Barry who now spends his time playing the guitar, and
having high-profile marital problems, but Adams is dead, and
Christopher Moore wrote, Lamb, the best book since I learned to read,
so don’t talk about them.
“Yeah, stupid stuff like
that,” they say. “Put it all in your blog, and stop bugging us
to publish it.”
So why do I put up with this
abuse? I don’t know. Maybe I’m ADHD, or have COPD, IBS, or
FDIC. Maybe it’s OCD.
I wrote a song about OCD for my
TV show. It would have been a big hit if anyone had watched.
Imagine an obsessively compulsive, droning tune that gathers
enthusiasm and intensity as it goes.
OCD
Is
good for me
I
would not any
Other
way be
So
I don’t want
Your
therapy
For
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
With
afternoons
Spent
blissfully
Counting
the leaves
On
my front yard tree
Yes,
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
I
count the seconds
It
takes to pee
Still
have that eighth grade
Locker
key
Cause
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
I
seal the tines
On
my rotisserie
I
organize
My
socks weekly
See?
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
I’ll
tune your doorbell
When
it’s off key
And
count your freckles
One
two three
Sure,
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
No
need to tie me
Elbow
to knee
You
attached my electrodes
Sloppily
Hey!
OCD
Is
good for me
OCD
Is
good for me
My
head sounds like
A
buzzing bee
Do
you think this shock
Will
set me free?
Nah,
OCD
Is
good for me!
OCD…
OCD…
Ah,
the heck with it
Let’s
go see some mud wrestling
Sigh…
Maybe my stuff is a little stupid.
Headley
