“Look at that male mosquito,” says my female co-worker at
Amalgamated Monster. “It’s big, flimsy, clumsy, too stupid to
get out of its own way.”
“Yeah,” I reply, because I can’t think of anything else to say.
She looks at me and then at the mosquito. “Typical male,” she
says.
It didn’t used to be this way!
I remember my father, Horatio Hauser, and my grandfather, Hornblower
Hauser. These were what used to be called, men’s men. They were
like lions, whose single growl brought the whole family to attention,
and whose roar made the mountains tremble (warning – possible
hyperbole in the last sentence.)
Now a man’s man is just another term for gay.
TV programs were full of men’s men. There was Matt Dillon, Daniel
Boone, Joe Friday, Paladin. Bonanza had four of them in one
program. Manliness was so prevalent that even sit-coms frequently
dispensed with mothers in shows like Bachelor Father, Family
Affair, My Three Sons, The Courtship of Eddie’s
Father… oh, and Bonanza again.
If we had a show named Father Knows Best today, it would be
meant ironically.
What happened?
We can look at the easy answers – the woman’s movement, easy
living, Dr. Spock (maybe even Mr. Spock,) but I think it’s not a
social change – it’s an evolutionary one…
Our human race is transitioning from mammal, to insect. Guys are
typically referred to as slugs, while women are busy bees.
You know what happens to male bees after mating don’t you? Or even
worse, what happens to preying mantises.
Pray we don’t evolve into them.
You don’t believe me? Twenty years ago, people didn't buzz Now
try sitting through a movie or even a wedding without hearing
somebody’s cell phone vibrate.
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for what was happening in the
insect world. More and more species are evolving to reproduce
without male involvement. There’s even an insect in Brazil where
the females are growing their own euphemisms.
What’s the answer mankind (as opposed to humankind?) Tim Taylor
tried expressing his manliness with grunting, growling and scratching
himself. He just became an object of ridicule.
Last weekend I wandered up to the wilderness and tried to join a wolf
pack. At first they welcomed me, but they got tired of waiting for
me to tie my shoes when we went on the prowl, and when I snuck out a
Pop Tart during the evening raw rabbit feed, they all looked at me as
if to say – really?
So instead I sit at my work station at Amalgamated Monster, watching
the stupid male mosquito bounce himself against the flickering
florescent light, hearing the misandrist comments of my female
co-workers.
And I wonder how long it will take for the great evolutionary bug
zapper of history to end our existence.
Until then – I’m through dating. No sense rushing things along.
Four videos in this post! Four! Talk about extra value!