Due
to server issues, today's post of Just Plain Stupid is limited to
text only.
Two
Little Magic Words
by Headley Hauser
I’d signed on as the quest’s conjurer. It’s true I had no
experience in magic, but that didn’t matter. A decade’s worth of
participation trophies and good attitude ribbons told the tale. I
would excel in my task because I was special – just like every
other kid in my neighborhood.
I also had one other advantage – magic words, two of them to be
exact, and I had great confidence in these magical utterances. They
had never failed me in the past, and even the possibility they might
fail me on this quest was beyond my comprehension.
Together with my band of common adventures, we struggled through
hardships and battles. They did all the fighting and climbing.
Being the conjurer, I demanded that they carry me through the rough
spots, and protect me from the dangers.
I also let them do all the cooking and cleaning, but I praised them
for their work so that they could feel good about themselves.
They never gave me credit for that. Actually, shortly into our
adventures I caught a number of dirty looks.
“That’s not good attitude,” I warned them.
“Well you could help out more,” they grumbled.
“You forget that I am special,” I warned them. “I am somebody
because I was made for a special purpose. There is nothing I cannot
do if I want it badly enough.”
“You mean like turn us all into banana slugs?” one asked.
“If that’s what I wanted to do,” I answered.
Their attitude improved somewhat after that. While they worked to
dig us out of mountain goblin prison, I made little ‘improved
attitude’ trophies for each of them out of chips of rock and stale
biscuit. They didn’t say thank you, but I think it meant a lot to
each of them.
“Maybe you could conjure us out of this prison,” one of them
asked.
“No,” I replied. “My magic words are too special. I better
save them. And you are doing such a wonderful job digging us out
with your hands manacled like that. Good job! You are each so
special!”
Yes, that was a lot of praise for such common work, but I figured
they needed the pick-me-up.
Later in the snow wastes I demanded
an extra cloak. It was far colder than I found acceptable.
"If one us gives you his
cloak," they complained, "he will freeze to death."
"Not if you share," I told
them. "Sharing makes every task easier."
One of them - I never learned his
name, grumbled, "Maybe we should share in getting rid of you."
"Now, now," I said
patiently, "remember my two magic words!"
They shared, but not with a
co-operative attitude. I made a note in my book that each of them
should lose one gold star when we finished our quest.
Days later, the food ran out. I
knew it was gone because I ate the last of it. The ration they had
given me was far too small, and I've always been helpless against the
late-night munchies.
"Alright," said the leader
guy. "This is it. Even if we won't have your magic later, it
won't do us any good if we starve to death. Use your magic words."
"You're certain?" I asked.
"Yup!" he said.
"Then hand me your largest food
container." The container turned out to be a poncho, which
isn't exactly Tupperware and was far from sanitary. I decided to be
generous and ignore their negligence and poor hygiene. I held out
the poncho as my fellow adventurers backed away in fear. I took a
solemn moment before I uttered the two words that I knew had never
failed me.
"Yes, please."
Nothing happened. No food appeared
in the grubby poncho. I wondered if its lack of cleanliness was the
problem for I knew it couldn't be my magic words. All during my
childhood I had gotten anything I wanted each time I spoke those two
words.
The other adventurers came closer.
Once again I held up the poncho.
"YES! PLEASE!"
No food appeared, though the
adventurers looked ready to eat. Each pulled out his knife and fork.
Why did the leader have that funny look in his eye?
"Mom?" I called. "Dad...
Grandma? I SAID YES, PLEASE!"
And that's how I came to haunt this
scruffy pack of adventurers. I can accept that they cooked me and
ate me...
But they didn't even say, Thank
You!
