The Fellowship
of the Bring has gone underground to escape a large number of
unsheep-like sheep. There they meet someone.
Chapter 10
All Bore
So Jonma Carry ran into someone while he was digging deep into the
earth and slinging mud on everyone. That was curious. I hoped it
was someone alive. I repelled the dirt from my person, and easily
caught up with the waddling Jonma Claim. The man I caught up to
wasn’t Uriculous – at least not at that moment.
“Probably a rich widow,” muttered Jonma Claim, “or maybe a big
money campaign contributor. He’d think that’s important. Too
much money and dirt in politics! We need straight talk, and no
temptation.”
I didn’t think Jonma Claim was talking to me so I didn’t respond.
Maybe he wasn’t even aware I was there.
“Look at this big hole in the ground,” he muttered. “Cap and
trade will fix it! Cap and trade will fix it all! I heard that once
and it’s straight talk. That’s what I’m known for – straight
talk.”
By this point we encountered Jonma Carry, who grumbled something back
at Jonma Claim, I kept my distance from the two Jonmas, as much to
avoid the tedium of their discussion as anything else. Little wonder
that both the Jonmas had been politicians. Most politicians seemed
to believe that if they talked to you long enough, that you had to
agree with them.
Dirk told me once that there was a place where politicians could
speak into the air and be heard by millions, all at once. I wondered
if these millions of hearers had any choice in the matter. Dirk
didn’t say, and I suspect – as Dirk spent most of his time in
oblivion – that he was just making the whole thing up.
Imagine a place where you had no choice but to listen to politicians.
What kind of crimes would you have to commit to be condemned to such
a place?
“It’s called, Boogle,” said a droning voice at the end of the
excavation. “Just try it.”
“But doesn’t it cost money?” asked Lip Ton Tease.
“Not initially,” said the voice, which emanated from a rotund
man, as bland looking as his voice sounded. “We make our money
with repeat customers.” Then he looked at Tease. “Say Boogle.”
“Boogle,” said Tease, and a magical red arrow appeared over
Tease’s head, though as we were in a cave, it was hard to determine
what it was pointing at, other than the cave wall.
“It’s true,” said Tease. “The arrow is pointing to the
legendary showers of Wa-Wa World. I have always desired to
experience them.”
“Who’s next,” the voice said with a slight elevation in its
drone.
“Boogle,” said Lustavious. A red arrow appeared, pointing
directly at Ono’s butt. Having seen what his arrow was pointing
at, I knew that this was not a good time for me to say, Boogle.
The voice laughed humorlessly. “It’s very useful magic, to show
you what you desire. I didn’t invent this particular application,
but as I am the inventor of magic, I receive a royalty every time
someone uses it.”
“You invented magic?” said Mage-e-not.
“By the legal definition, yes,” said the dull voice, “and you,
Sir, owe me quite a tidy sum for all the times your head has
disappeared.”
“But no one told me…”
“Ignorance of the law is no excuse. What a handy phrase that is
when suing people.”
“Milk the cows,” said Swampy for no reason I could think of.
“Say,” said the bland man, “is this the destroyer?”
“That’s his brother,” said Jonma Claim behind me, who was
apparently back to being Uriculous.
“All Bore,” said the man, holding out a limp hand for some
reason.
“Elmer McFarland,” I responded, guessing that All Bore was the
man’s name, and not some command that I begin to speak like he did.
“McFarland,” said All Bore. “I have no copyright on that name,
or on Elmer. I guess you go free.”
That didn’t make any sense to me, so I ignored it. “Did I hear
you say you invented magic?”
“For all legal purposes, yes,” he said.
“How old are you?”
“I am sixty-five years old.”
“But magic has been around much longer than that.”
“That may be,” said All Bore, “but no-one claimed the rights to
it until I did.”
“So even though you did nothing, you claim the credit?”
“I did something,” said All Bore.
“What’s that?”
“I filed the proper paperwork.”
“But then what’s to stop you from charging people for running, or
whistling, or even breathing.”
“Keep your voice down,” said All Bore. “Those patents are
still pending.”
Will the
Fellowship get out of their underground predicament? Will they be
assaulted by the unsheep-like sheep? Will they be bored to death by
All Bore? Will the Chicago Cubs ever win a World Series? Some of
the answers to these questions can be found in future installments of
Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother!
Here's a song from Tom Lehrer that All Bore might like - assuming he shut up long enough to listen to it.
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