Memo from the Boss:
Headley – 2014 was too dreadful to be funny and 2015 doesn’t
look hopeful. Talk about sports for your New Years post. I know you
don’t know anything about the subject, but do the best you can.
Walter Bego – Go Figure Reads
So today begins the playoff for the NCAA college football Bowl
Division national championship. This is opposed to the NCAA national
championship in their playoff division… and their other playoff
divisions. There’s also the NAIA’s playoff division for schools
too small to be owned by multi-national corporations, the AARP touch
football, run slowly, and try not to break a hip playoff division,
and the pros who are different from the college guys because they
don’t have to pay someone to write term papers for them.
What do you say we just scrap the NCAA, NAIA, NSA, IRS, AARP and
anything else that uses letters to hide their name?
This afternoon we have the Florida State Seminoles against the Oregon
Ducks, and then tonight we have the Ohio State Buckeyes against the
Alabama Crimson Tide.
What – no SUNY Albany Great Danes?
Let’s forget the Xs and Os (along with the other 24 letters in the
alphabet,) and focus on how the mascots would fare against each
other.
Game One – Seminoles
against Ducks
Seminoles are Native Americans that once wandered the territory we
now know as Florida and Georgia. They were nomadic hunters from a
number of Native American tribes and were known for their
independence and fierceness in combat.
Ducks are waterfowl that can fly and taste really good with Dim Sum.
The Seminoles have sharp spears, and keen hunting skills; the ducks
have webbed feet, and look cute when the walk.
Too easy – there has to be a catch here. I better go with the
Ducks.
Game Two – Buckeyes against Crimson Tide
Buckeyes are nuts. Really, they’re nuts that come from trees.
They don’t do anything except provide ammo for nasty little kids
that like to throw things. They don’t even taste good.
I know what a tide is – it’s a phenomenon of (among other
factors,) the rotation of the earth and the moon’s effect on large
bodies of water – usually oceans. I’ve never known it to be
crimson, though I remember something about a red tide when algae with
high mercury levels clog the shore and poison everything.
What am I supposed to do with this? You throw a bunch of nuts into a
poisoned ocean and they bob around for a while, collecting mercury
residue until the tide brings them to shore? This could be the most
boring game of football since Howard Cosell retired.
But!!!!!!!!!!!! Mercury laden water is NOT the mascot for the
Crimson Tide! An elephant is, because as everyone knows, elephants
can always be found bobbing through the tide in the Gulf of Mexico
near where Alabama has its 37 feet of coastline.
Elephants eat nuts; nuts can’t do anything to elephants. They
can’t even run away without nasty children to throw them.
Again – too easy. I better go with the Buckeyes.
So, our National Championship game (not to be confused with all the
other National Championship games,) will be the Oregon Ducks vs. the
Ohio State Buckeyes, (assuming that neither Dim Sum nor mercury
poisoning interfere.)
Please inform your bookie that you got your tip from Headley Hauser’s
Just Plain Stupid blog, (so I can get my cut when you lose.)
What about the pros? I’ll give it a shot. Name the four teams
involved…
What? Twelve teams!? I better wait until they whittle that down a
bit.
Yes, it's a replay video, but I like it, and football games are 40% replays and 40% beer commercials.
