Cone Conundrum

I remember a scandal in the late 60s about my state renting hundreds of traffic barrels for a dollar a day. What a waste of money, we thought!

That was before traffic cones took over the world.

Traffic cones, unlike their barrel predecessors are not on our highways simply to point out occasional hazards.  They are not just there in the hundreds, but in the millions.

And I beg to differ with anyone who contends that they serve to make traffic simpler.

Traffic cones have become America's number one cash crop.

And they aren't content to stay on our highways.  They have invaded our culture.

Our art.  Don't believe me...

How about this?

Or this?

They've invaded our children's programming.

And music.

And when I say they've taken over the stage, I'm speaking literally.

They have their own weight loss programs.

Even their own pets.

There are reports of traffic cone mind control.

They are taking on human characteristics

So they can blend in and take over our planet before we are even aware of the danger.

They're coming for you.  If you find yourself planted by the roadside marking traffic hazards five years from now.  You were warned!

Ask not for whom the cone wobbles.  It wobbles for you.

Christmas Sweaters

   In one sense, Christmas sweaters were as much of a danger when I was a kid as they are today.  An aunt was almost certain to give you one.  You prayed you didn't get one from a grandmother, because grandparents ranked just behind parents and Santa in the possible big score category.
   But they weren't as big a danger in another way, because most - nearly all, Christmas sweaters looked a bit like this.

   It wasn't something you wanted to wear, but as every kid in the neighborhood had a couple much like it - it wasn't too embarrassing being seen in it.  Time has brought diversity to the Christmas sweater, and diversity, while it might constitute progress in some things, has only increased the horror of the Christmas sweater.

Why do they want me to look like the front door?

Fireplace - yeah, I can think of something I'd like to burn.

Really?  You really want me to go out in this?

Whadayamean, lousy gift?  I made this myself.

Not even the family pet is immune.

How many treats do I get for wearing this?

Are you smelling my Santa?

Say a word and I bite your leg off.

Cats should be exempt from such abuse

Does it really bring out my eyes?

One of the most disturbing trends is the 3-D sweater

Yes, I'm a Christmas tree - how much did you waste on this?

Yeah, we'll just mount it on a wall and pretend I shot Rudolph.

Rudolph's revenge

Great!  Now I expect the baby to arrive like Alien

Too much information

I'm the only Madonna fan in my Middle School

Of course for some people, it's a way of expressing themselves.

Let's go hunt down James Caan!

Reason for the season and all that crap

If I can just find someone drunk enough...

This might work too

I don't get it.

:

Looking for my beau

My worries about Christmas sweaters have passed along with my aunts and grandmothers, but if I did get one, I'd wouldn't want any half measures - make it as ugly as possible.

That otta do it.

For the five people who haven't seen this yet.