Dirk Destroyer Part 46 Chapter 26

   

Now that I've angered both of you who are reading this serialized novel by posting the appendix last week, I'll get back to the story.

Chapter 26

Fate without Tartar Sauce

“Fish Stick,” Swampy croaked when I arrived in Two. All right, that made more sense now. I knew right where I was, and where I was going.

I had the two bags of fish sticks slung over my shoulders so instead of landing on me, Swampy circled impatiently. I put the sacks down and began feeding the flying swamp-rat bird. It was only after a couple pounds of fish sticks that Swampy settled into a gluttonous stupor. Still he opened his repulsive beak.

“You eat much more and you’ll never fly again,” I said.

Swampy croaked incoherently. Maybe that meant he agreed. Uncle Egg never wanted to be understood when he agreed with me.

“So the other me is talking to Mage-e-not and Ono right now?”

“Fish stick?” said Swampy softly.

“It’s your belly-ache,” I told him, tossing him a fish stick. I looked around my location and tried to remember where I’d been yesterday. Unless something changed, I was safe – meaning I wasn’t about to destroy everyone I’d ever met.

Dirk had lied to me. Did Dude lie too? Would his law code of what-ever-ma-call-it allow him to lie? He told me not to come back, or play with the dial in the nurse’s office before. Did he lie when he said that?

I couldn’t remember well enough – certainly not well enough to risk killing everyone I knew. I would wait here until Ono had gotten Tease to agree to let her take Mage-e-not along with her to Phasia as carry-on.

“I thought I smelled fish sticks,” said Akwar. “Is there enough for everyone?”

I hadn’t bargained on Akwar. She could spoil everything. I didn’t dare say a word to her in case I (the other one,) overheard myself and investigated. I handed her the bag I’d been feeding Swampy out of. Did Dude know I’d need two bags?

“Any tartar sauce?”

I shook my head in the motion that means no everywhere but Pogo. She seemed to understand the gesture which indicated that she was as non-Pogoian as Ono. That along with a vague femaleness was her only similarity to the woman I admired.

Thankfully, Akwar went away with the fish sticks without causing enough of a disturbance to bring the me that wasn’t me in my current location to investigate. Then again, would I have investigated, even if I had heard Akwar? I would probably have ignored her and hoped she’d go away.

Had she been there when I’d been the guy in the clearing instead of the guy in bushes? Did this change things?

Stay with being stupid, Dude had told me. All right, I wouldn’t worry about it.

I stayed low in the bushes and watched Ono give Tease his shower. I waited until I was certain that I was gone. Then I stood up and stepped into the clearing.

“I thought I smelled fish sticks,” said Mage-e-not.

“You flip-flopped?” asked Ono.

“That was the younger Elmer,” said Tease. “This Elmer is older by about a day.”

“How can you tell?” I asked.

“You have fish sticks.”

“I’m starved,” said Mage-e-not.

In the distance I heard Lustavious singing. “I will intercept him,” offered Tease. “It is best if he does not meet your elder self.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Do you want to go to So-Ho?”

“Do they have showers?”

“I didn’t check.”

“I will return to Phasia. I have missed the showers of Shangra Dee.”

“Near the fields of Salley?” asked Mage-e-not.

“You have heard of it?”

“My friend Gidget went there.”

Lustavious’ voice was closer now.

“I must go,” said Tease.

“You don’t want any fish sticks?” asked Mage-e-not.

“Gluten-free,” said the monk, and passed through the underbrush to intercept the Light Bringer.

“We don’t have much time,” I said.

“Yeah,” said Mage-e-not. “Did you bring any tartar sauce?”

“No, sorry,” I said. “Look, I know that Lip Ton Tease agreed to take you both to Phasia, but I need to know if that’s what you want.”

“Do they have tartar sauce there?” asked Mage-e-not.

“Oh no,” said Ono.

“How do you know?” asked Mage-e-not.

“I’m not naying your know,” she said to Mage-e-not, and then she turned to me “I want to be with you.”

“With me?” asked Mage-e-not.

“Oh no,” said Ono, “with Elmer.”

“What if they don’t have showers in Ho-Ho?” asked Mage-e-not.

“Filthy Elmer sizzles more than squeaky clean Phasia.”

“Even without tartar sauce?”

“In bubble of algae bars.”

“Wow,” said Mage-e-not, “you are stuck on the guy.”

“What about you, Mage-e-not?” I asked.

“I’m not really stuck on you, Elmer.”

“Do you want to go to Phasia?”

“Nah,” he said, “I’d rather go to Ho-Ho, but you better have something other than algae bars to eat there.”

“There’s good food in Phasia, I hear.”

“Yeah, but I’m not that good at math.”

“Alright,” I said. “I’m not sure exactly how this works, but in case I can’t do anything, stay close to me.”

“Right,” said Mage-e-not, getting far too close – especially after eating so much fish.

“Actually, I mean the other me.”

“Teeny-tiny Elmer,” said Ono.

“I suppose,” figuring that younger was not a concept with many sound words. “You’ll be able to tell the difference because that me will be carrying around a scratchwing.”

“Instead of fish sticks?” asked Mage-e-not.

“Probably. Now when Lustavious points his finger at Dirk, and Dirk says, “That oughta do it,” you have to take the scratchwing out of my hand, and hold onto me.”

“What if you won’t let it go?” said Mage-e-not.

“I’ll fling scratchwing and clutch Elmer,” said Ono.

“Good. Swampy is around here somewhere. I don’t know what he wants to do, but…”

“I’ll quiz Swampy,” said Ono.

“You have real conversations with him?”

“Oh yes,” said Ono. “He cackles poetry!”

“Poetry?”

“It’s derivative,” said Mage-e-not. “I prefer a good lymric myself. You know, this planet really needs a place that rhymes with bucket.”

“The other me will be back soon, so I have to go. It’s important that you never saw me.”

“Which you?” asked Mage-e-not.

“This me.”

“But I can see the other you?”

“Yes.”

“Hey, wouldn’t it be great if I could teach you to disappear.”

“Yes,” I said. “How do I do it?”

“I have no idea,” said Mage-e-not. “I just thought it would be great.”

As I sat back in the bushes I wondered why I wanted to take Mage-e-not to So-Ho. I almost went back into the clearing to change everything when I heard Akwar shout. I ducked back into the overgrowth.

I’d left the bag of fish sticks with Mage-e-not and I watched amazed as the other me didn’t seem to notice that Mage-e-not was eating something out of a silver bag. I wasn’t that stupid, was I?

There was nothing I could do about it now. I sat back against a tree to wait. The fish sticks did smell pretty good.

I opened my fanny pack and had a fish stick. It really didn’t need tartar sauce. I sat back wondering what else I needed to do. There was something important – something I wasn’t thinking about. I munched on fish sticks and tried to think of what it was.

Finally I was down to my last fish stick. I was about to pop it in my mouth when I remembered. “I need to save the last fish stick,” I said to myself as if I needed to both hear and think the thought.

I put the fish stick into my fanny pack, and the world got fuzzy.

Was fuzzy a good thing? I didn’t think so.

A teenage girl appeared. Her eyes were closed, she was tapping her shiny red shoes together and saying something about home.

No, this wasn’t good. If I left now, how could I be sure everything would work out? How could I be sure if I stayed? All I could do is kill everyone I ever knew by coming out of the woods and interfering. Even if everyone survived the whole death problem, there was no way Dirk would go along with taking Ono and Mage-e-not, and maybe Swampy to So-Ho. It was only a three bedroom apartment, and he had the Stevens twins to think about.

Things got fuzzier. It was beginning to look like I was going to have to count on me – the younger me, to do the right thing. If only the younger me wasn’t so stupid.

Now I felt offended, and I had only myself to blame.

But wait! It wasn’t just me, I was counting on. Ono would make things work – just like when she lifted things in the air, and…

Oh crap!

   Just one more installment to go - really!  You don't believe me?  I guess I can't blame you.

As we approach the election I wonder how many comedians are hoping to get their break impersonating President H. Clinton, D. Trump or PCTBDL (Presidential candidate to be determined later.)

Dirk Destroyer Part 45 Chapter 25

Contrary to Elmer’s nature he’s ignoring his younger brother’s instructions and is trying to do something clever.

This rarely ends well.

Chapter 25

Dude

Dude had told me not to come back to the school, and not to play with time again, but as glorious as Dude was, not to mention his mop, I had more information now. After all, Dirk bargained with Dude. Maybe I could too. I had the greatest power of human creative power working in my favor.

The power of Desperate Male inSecurity DMS™.

That didn’t tell me how I was going to sway Dude, but I had hints, like a fish stick in my fanny pack, and the origin of my fanny pack as well. As I surfaced into the school of amazing stuff, I headed right for the kitchen. There was only one way I knew to call Dude. I wasn’t at all surprised when after twisting the knob, that I saw fish sticks come out the spigot. I filled my fanny pack with fresh, and wholesome fish sticks, and watched as hundreds more cascaded onto Dude’s once clean floor.

The sticks started to pile up. Maybe this wouldn’t work.

I tried a fish stick. It was good. Was that cilantro and basil? Who ever thought of adding that to a fish stick deserved to live in the Celestial realm. I could probably skip Dirk’s gold-digging trip and make plenty of money making fish sticks with cilantro and basil.

I had a couple more. Oh yes, there were all sorts of things to learn in the school of amazing stuff.

“A-hem.” I’d never heard a-hem put so eloquently. I shut off the knob. I was up to my knees in fish sticks.

“I’m waiting for it.”

“My excuse?” I asked.

The custodian nodded regally.

“I need your help,” I said, “and you didn’t tell me how to contact you.”

“You need my help.” Dude pulled two of his magic silver squares from his back pocket, vigorously swung them in the air, and they became shiny silver bags. He handed one to me, and I gladly began gathering fish sticks, though I was careful to only take the ones that weren’t touching the floor. “I remember banning you from the school until you were old enough.”

“You did,” I agreed, “and you were really convincing, but that was before I heard the moral law of something-or-other, and heard a story about a tobacco thief named Dude.”

“Dirk!” said Dude in a vaulting tone full of grace and frustration. “It’s the moral code of causation.”

“That’s the one,” I said.

“I don’t see how that helps you,” said Dude, filling his bag, also from non-floor-dwelling fish sticks, handing me the bag, and then flicking his mop of glory at the ones that remained eliminating them instantly. “According to the code, you just caused the waste of many high-quality fish sticks.”

“Yes,” I said, “but how did that come about?”

Dude stared through me as if I was made of glass and shook his head. “Dirk said you were stupid,” he said forthrightly. “It’s the only reason I agreed to let him introduce you to the school.”

“You never should have let him give me the fanny pack.”

“He told you?”

“I guessed,” I said as smugly as I could manage. “I didn’t know for certain until you just confirmed it.”

“What do you know?”

“I know that my fanny pack doesn’t follow all the other laws of this world. I couldn’t pick up this mixer,” I said, trying and failing to pick up the mixer, “and take it with me back to my world. But if it was in one of your silver bags, or in my fanny pack…”

“I’m not telling you anything,” said Dude.

“And you’re also not stopping me.”

“What?”

“I am going into the nurses’ office, and I am going to twist that dial of second chances.”

“No,” said Dude, but it was no longer the melodic authoritative voice he used before, but a melodic pleading and desperate voice. “You have more moral feeling that Dirk, even if you aren’t very bright. Try to see how much moral trouble the dial of time could cause.”

“I’m just trying to go back and save my friends.”

“Save your friends? You’re not going ahead in time to get tomorrow’s race results?”

“I wasn’t planning on it, but…”

“No!” shouted Dude, and the sound of his voice was like a chorus of pissed and anxious angels.

“I know I can do this, Dude,” I said. “There was a day-old fish stick in my fanny pack this morning. I don’t know how this pack works, but I believe it means I can succeed in going back in time and saving my friends.”

Dude hung his glorious golden head. “It is the fanny pack of possibilities, so yes, it is possible to go back, but there is no guarantee that you will save your friends.”

“You could help me.”

“Why should I do such a foolish thing?”

“Because if you help me, I will promise not to do two things.”

“What are the two things?”

“I will not go ahead in time to see tomorrow’s race results.”

“And?”

“And I will not tell Dirk about the dial of time – or second chances which is what I call it.”

“Dirk!” squeaked Dude in a squeak that only a heavenly mouse or Celestial Custodian about to pee himself might make. “With the dial of time, Dirk might…”

“Do anything,” I finished in not nearly so glorious a tone as Dude might, but sometimes you have to nail down your bargaining position.

“I never should have gathered tobacco on Two that day. I don’t understand why this school is non-smoking!”

“Are you asking me?”

Dude started laughing. I wasn’t sure why he was laughing. I was suspected the joke might be on me, but celestial laughter is contagious so I laughed right along with him.

“All right, I’ll help you. And you can keep the fish sticks; your friends are probably getting hungry in relative time.”

I thought about asking him to define relative time, but instead described my situation, and as he told me to hurry up several times, I won’t relate all that here. I don’t know why people think I go on and on with things. I think I just say what needs to be said, but then somebody calls me a bore and somebody else calls me stupid.

You know what I call stupid? People who call other people stupid, that’s what I call stupid! Maybe I don’t always get right to the point, but that’s no excuse to… stupidify me.

I’m thinking as fast as I can, you know!

When I finished my story, which I didn’t think was too long, or contained useless detail, Dude shook his head.

“You should just give up,” he said.

“I’m not going to give up.” I wished I could think of some way of saying ‘give up’ other than just echoing Dude’s ‘give up.’ I know I sounded like a parrot, and I was feeling sensitive about how Dude was looking down on me just because he was millions of years old and his boots shone like sunlight on a warm spring day.

“See if you can understand what I’m saying,” said Dude very slowly.

I wanted to hit him in the nose, but I just nodded instead.

“You’ve moved progressively through time – the way you ordinarily do. You know about that, right?”

Nod.

“But you’ve also moved trans-dimensionally. Do you know what that means?”

Nod.

“I doubt it,” Dude muttered beatifically. Then he shook his head as if he wasn’t going to go on.

“Dirk will love that dial,” I said.

“You can’t go back in your body!” Dude shouted.

“Oh,” I said, trying desperately to look smarter than Dude thought I was. “I’ve heard something about this. It’s called a time paradox, right?”

“A time paradox?” Dude started giggling in an entirely masculine and awe-inspiring way. “How did you learn to read – from pulp science fiction?”

“No.”

“Don’t try to be smart,” Dude warned me. “You do stupid well. Stay with what you know.”

I wondered what would happen if I hit Dude with his mop of glory.

“You can go back in time, but you have to avoid yourself. You can’t join with the you from before. That’s because of… Just believe me. Think of it as a rule and breaking the rule will cause an explosion that will kill everyone you ever met.”

“Including you?”

“Of course not me,” said Dude as if that was obvious.

“Okay,” I said, using that So-Ho expression once again. I could see how that could become a habit. I wondered why we didn’t say, okay on Two. “I’ve got it.”

“You’re sure?”

“You’re worried about us?”

“Actually,” said Dude, “it would be convenient for me if you did kill everyone you ever met. Unfortunately, if I don’t do everything I can to prevent it, the moral code of causation will bite me big time.”

“Well said.” I enjoyed complementing Dude. He obviously hated it, but he couldn’t complain about it. Maybe complements from a lower life form is like receiving mud pies from two-year-olds. You know the gesture is meant well, but the last thing you want is a pile of excrement-filled mud in your hand, and then half the time the kid expects you to eat it.

I considered staying around and complementing Dude the rest of the day. After all, the time dial meant I wasn’t in a rush, but I was also anxious to get this done, and I knew the fish sticks weren’t getting any fresher.

Dude led me into the nurses’ office. “How much time you need?”

“I’ll just turn it until I…”

“No, no, no,” said Dude as he might have to a wet dog about to jump on his bed. “I don’t want your hands on this control.”

“About a day.”

“About a day? You can’t be more specific?”

“Well, it’s mid-morning now, right?”

“In So-Ho, New York City? Yes,” Dude answered. “It’s ten twelve Anti-meridian.”

I pretended that I had an idea what that meant. “Yup,” I said. “About a day.”

Dude sighed and turned the dial.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think Elmer just had a minor triumph. Will Elmer continue to succeed or will he return to form and end up rescuing Swampy or even Youtickubus Akwar (shudder,) instead of Ono? Or maybe this time he’ll end up in the real oblivion that Dirk has been avoiding for thousands of years. Tune in next Friday for the exciting conclu… (don't overstate it,) for the conclusion to Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother.

Of course it won’t be the last post of the book because I can never leave well enough alone.

There are those who accuse me of drawing everything I write from The Tick (especially Volition Man.)  What libel! (or is it slander?)  (Oh, and any resemblance between Dude and Plunger Man is entirely co-incidental.)