Stanley McFarland Poems - Hey, It Is Poetry Month, Stop Complaining!

Stanley McFarland here. Headley’s working on another novel, and he must be getting pretty desperate because he asked me for post material. I told him I have a couple poems. He just grunted and waved his arm in the universal gesture of, ‘yeah, go ahead, I’m beyond caring.’

Headley is so good for my self esteem. Anyway, here are the poems:

"Young" Teacher's Lament

by Stanley McFarland

When I started teaching, it was a lark

I was only playing grown-up

Barely older than my students

When kids I taught got married, I could deal

They were in High School when I got them

I could pass for twenty-something

When my students had kids, that wasn't too bad

They were babies having babies

I was still on the right side of forty

When I started teaching my student’s kids, I remained calm

Fifty is the new thirty

I still had most of my teeth

Now the kids I taught are becoming grandparents and I'm wondering

No... I'm not wondering...

I'm old.

Sparkly Dreams

by Stanley McFarland

Little boy, squirming at church.

His mother talks to the people behind.

How old are you?

You're five?

He's five too!

And his mother is pointing at him.

Now the little boy turns to look

To see the other boy that's five.

But it isn't a boy

It's a girl

A girl with blonde hair like a Disney princess.

She's even sparkly

Like she's wearing pixie dust

Little boy, squirming at church

What's she doing now? he wonders

But he can't turn around

She can look at him

If she wants

She can see him squirming

Or the stupid place on the back of his head

Where his Mom pats down after she licks her hand

But he can't look at her.

Though he wants to

He wants to look at her eyes, like the new bike at Walmart

He asked Mom for

When you're older, she said

Little boy squirming at church

The adults are standing and Dad picks him up

The girl is sparkling in the sunlight

She's in her dad's arms

But her dad is so tall

She kisses her very tall dad

She looks up and around, everywhere

And everyone she looks at smiles

But she doesn't look at the boy

She’s too high

And the boy learns that the sparkliest things

Are unreachable dreams

A lesson he never unlearns

How 7-11 Profits from Self Awareness

by Stanley McFarland

Yo, Dude, Wanna go down to the 7-11 and get a slurpie?

No thanks, I’m too busy losing hope.

Huh?

You know, working through a meaningless existence and plugging away at irrational tasks to prolong my parasitical gnawing at the great cheese ball of life.

Oh.

I’m shooting for the protagonist role in an existential novel.

That would be nice.

Unfortunately, existential literature has been out of vogue for forty of fifty years.

Bummer.

Yeah.

So… slurpie, then?

Sure, I’ll drive.

Here's one of my favorite TV characters.  Rest in peace, Andy Kaufman.

The Thirty-Seven Reasons I Never Had Children

It’s surprising how many times I’m asked why I never had kids. I’m inclined to check their pupils and ask if they have any more of the medication they must be on. I’m told that’s not polite, so instead I’ve compiled this list of reasons (in no particular order,) for those who might be curious – or might be thinking of starting a family.

1) Changing diapers – I mean that’s the obvious guy response; I might as well get it out there first.

2) I don’t want to share my toys.

3) The smell of spoiled milk and vomit in friend’s cars.

4) What exactly, is tender and loving about having a woman you adore torn open by a parasite?

5) Difficulty finding a woman I adore enough to have her torn open by a parasite.

6) Glasses, braces, camp, uniforms, allowance, emergency room visits, broken windows, broken bicycles, two hundred dollar must-have sneakers, car insurance, car repair, COLLEGE TUITION!

7) Murphy’s law states that children will automatically gravitate to the type of music most likely to annoy their parents.

8) I don’t want to hear myself say, “because I said so.”

9) Toddlers most want to cuddle when their nose is running and your shirt is clean.

10) When I was born, Father Knows Best was a hit. Now every TV dad is a moron.

11) When I tell somebody “it couldn’t have been my child,” I know I’m not lying.

12) Not a lot of faith that the clowns we elect will leave much of a country/world for my kids to live in.

13) Fear that my imaginary friends will run off with their imaginary friends. Oh c’mon! Don’t give me that, “you need help,” look. I see it all the time in the mirror.

14) That moment when they realize I don’t know everything.

15) Getting beat at video games.

16) After hours of frustration, being told by an eleven-year-old, “sure I know how to work (fill in high tech device.) A baby could do it.”

17) Being judged for my fashion sense.

18) That look in their eye when they first feel betrayed.

19) Trying to explain to a six-year-old why the pet died.

20) Trying to convince a two-year-old that lima beans are good by eating two helpings – yuck!

21) Tonka makes wimpy trucks compared to what I had in the sixties.

22) Schools and quacks trying to medicate discipline.

23) It’s no longer safe to let a kid ride their bike all over the neighborhood from breakfast to dinner.

24) Being the bad guy when my kids want something that isn’t good for them.

25) I can’t afford to buy them a pony.

26) Shopping mall Santas creep me out.

27) “Some assembly required.”

28) Did I mention projectile vomit?

29) I’ve seen what happens to Dad when little Timmy gets a paper route.

30) The terrible twos.

31) “Whatever.”

32) (Girl specific) Boys - two years older.

33) (Boy specific) Having to admit, “I’ve got nothing,” when he asks about girls.

34) Seeing them leave home.

35) Knowing how old I look in their eyes.

36) Having to go through all that again when they have kids

and

37) Because only someone without kids can say to stressed parents, “You know what works with kids is…”

   Oh, and then there's this video,