Body Part Insults

A FB friend ML, wrote a post this week: Out of respect for the human body and its noble excretory system, I have lately challenged myself to stop using body parts as derogatory expressions, but the people near that new Lexington Starbucks had me thinking...well, maybe "armpit."

Does armpit really replace Butt Hole and it’s slightly less polite alternative? Would you be insulted or just confused if someone called you an armpit? It’s no fun to confuse a jerk – jerks must be insulted – otherwise traffic gets too boring.

As a service to ML and other respecters of the lower alimentary canal (go ahead, look it up – I had to,) I’m compiling this list of non-excretory self-evidently insulting body parts.

Pustular Cyst - always a welcome surprise on picture day

Gangrenous appendage - not just for zombie movies anymore

Unconditioned hairpiece - not exactly a body part, but Shatner's not exactly an actor

Enlarged funny-bone - only funny on someone else.

Pink eye - the reason I was afraid to study conjunctions...  What?  Nobody got that?

Ingrown toenail - I can't stand these

Wart hair - your body's little flag to make sure the wart gets noticed

Impacted wisdom tooth - because late adolescence doesn't have enough pain already

Shingle rash - these drive my lupy

Inflamed uvula - not a huge insult.  I just like the word, uvula.

Swollen taste bud - I just wanted to stick my tongue out at you

Varicose vein - I think I'll save this one for pregnant women

Enlarged blackhead - a classic

Over pierced nostril - a neoclassic

Cirrhotic liver - use only with transparent Butt Holes

And finally - braided nose hair - for the jerk whose creativity you respect.

Speaking of being a jerk - here's a kill-joy vid on another popular FB post.

You Gonna Eat That?

Hoarders, Preppers, Members of the Church of Latter Day Saints – I have a question for you. I see you out buying large quantities of the stuff you’ll need when civilization crumbles.

Cream of chicken soup

Extra soft (and crumbly) toilet paper.

Non-rechargeable batteries

Knock-off brand Ramen noodles

Disposable lighters

File cabinet-sized boxes of Cheerios

The thing is – most of the stuff you want in a post-apocalyptic age, aren’t much good if the apocalypse is delayed by five or ten years. Apocalypses are notoriously unreliable when it comes to scheduling – just ask the Jehovah Witnesses.

A delayed deadly reckoning leaves you with dead batteries, empty lighters, vermin-infested dry foods, and distended cans of creamed botulism.

Once your goods are ruined – that's when you get the fire from the sky, the burning seas – all that stuff you might have been ready for if your Aloe Vera hadn’t lost its juicy texture.

 It’s almost as if Armageddon has it in for you.

The toilet paper is still good – but I can’t stand that crumbly soft stuff – especially when I’m trying to pass botulism flavored cereal vermin. It’s just the sort of thing to ruin your radio-active, zombie-ridden, unable-to-get-tickets-to-Thunderdome day.

The post apocalyptic world is not for sissies.

Which leaves us with this pre-apocalyptic world (the current one if you’re keeping track,) that is inconveniently cluttered with decaying barges of cheerios, cans of creamed soups, and batteries finding the end of their shelf life. Is this an efficient way of managing the here and now? Seeing as the catastrophic future is sure to disappoint, might we look for ways to make the present age less cumbersome?

After all – image how ironic it would be to have so much put by, just to have your brain become an entrée for the first wave of zombies. Who then will rifle through your collection of lighters looking for one with enough butane to burn the mountainous heap of infected (and only slightly undead) corpses piled up in your veranda?

You do all the work – miss all the fun. And during your last (pre-brain-eaten) days have no space in your home to unfold your ping-pong table.

Is it really worth it?

Maybe hoarding is a bit like those people who groan as they wrestle to reach the 35^th level of Gardens of Futility on the smart phones. Maybe the whole point in prepping is to enjoy the suffering before the entrails hit the fan.

Where-ever you find your joy.

You got any Pop-Tarts in that pile?

Alright - maybe not that funny.

Mascots

   I would like to congratulate Duke for winning the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.  Unfortunately, as I didn't go to Duke (or pay to send a relative there,) I am not part of the .001 percent of Americans who can actually say nice things about their school and mean it.
   And besides - their mascot is pretty creepy.  As a matter of fact, Brutus, the nut-headed mascot of Ohio State (current NCAA football champs,) isn't exactly normal looking either.

   And I won't even show you Scrotie, the mascot of the Rhode Island School of Design.  (That would require a parent advisory.)
   But even those mascots that pass muster with the FCC (who now regulate the internet in case you missed that,) there are quite a few out there that leave me wondering - What were they thinking?
   Even if you get past all the stupid racist stuff like the professional baseball team in Cleveland and the professional football team in Washington DC, there's a lot of weird out there.
   Speaking of racist crap - I have to give a thumbs up to the largely Native-American University of Northern Colorado in Greeley for naming their team, The Fighting Whites.

   Unfortunately, no Caucasian has stepped forward to serve as their mascot.
   But back to mascots.  I enjoy the trend of adopting botanical mascots.  Nothing is more threatening than athletically inclined foliage.

 There's the Wichita State Shockers who played very fine basketball this year when they didn't mistake the ball for a pumpkin.

The Delta State Fighting Okra.  They might not be undefeated, but they are undigested.

The Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes.  It's a good choice.  I've never figured out how to eat these things.

Then there's the Stanford Cardinals who eschew an avian mascot for a tree.  Stanford just doesn't do predictable.

   Animal mascots have always been popular.  What could be strange or creepy about the representation of earth's fauna?

I think I stepped on a classics-reading banana slug just the other day.

They say this mascot looks a lot like a horned frog (lizard.)  It's one of several reasons I don't live in Texas.

   Then there are the human mascots.  What's creepy about a human?

A Demon Deacon...  right in the middle of the bible belt?  Okay, that's creepy.

Why am I worried that if Purdue Pete bends over we're going to see a polystyrene butt crack?

What is it about the Vandy Commodore that makes me want to warn small children away?

On the other hand, Whittier's Johnny Poet is reassuring - in a "the'll never win another game," kind of way.

   Finally, we have the imaginary creatures.

Kansas City art teacher and illustrator Florence Pretz had the Billiken appear to her in a dream back in 1908.  University of Saint Louis has brought the little fella to the tournament several times since, but some dreams don't come true.  They haven't won it all since 1948.

Williams College boasts the Purple Cow.  I don't think they're really trying.

But the champion mascot (in my opinion,) belongs to The New College of Florida (will they still keep that name a hundred years from now?)  They have a mascot of supremely low expectations.

The Empty Set

I have no idea what this vid is supposed to be about - but it fits the theme.

Missing a Blog Post

If you look at the list of posts by date, you’ll see that a tooth is missing.  I had one written about aglets and then my laptop ate it.  Feverously I cranked out another post about preparing for the apocalypse (which I’ll post in the future – assuming the world doesn’t end first.)  My hurried post ready, a combination of events conspired against me.  My internet service (FreedomPop.com) decided they needed to send me a message about my account, and in spite of clicking on the prompt numerous times, I got either a never-ending download bar, or a ‘contact us’ hyperlink that sent me back to the original message.  (It’s still doing that.)

No worries – there’s always the wi-fi at the local library.  I packed up my ancient laptop and walked the mile or so to find the doors locked – Good Friday…  I never understood what was good about Good Friday.  Aglets, apocalypse, crucifixion, blog failure – was there a theme?

So I guess I can say that it took the hanging of God to finally stop my 200 plus regular blog post record.

One other thing the crucifixion and my missed post have in common – the world didn’t end.  The birds still flew – they still ate little berries off the tree – they still crapped those berries on my car.  I imagine in first century Judea they crapped on chariots, or maybe on the sales cart for Bob’s Crucifixion Accessories – How’s It Hangin’?

Thankfully the suicide squad from the People’s Front of Judea didn't show up – though I understand that their presence at the crucifixion is apocryphal.

So – in keeping with the theme of unplanned imperfection, the rest of this post will be populated by random images that responded to my Google search for ‘chair.’

Why chair?  I grabbed the nearest book, opened it at random and looking away, planted my index finger on the page.  The word under my finger was chair.  You don’t get much more random than that.  (Sure glad it wasn't hemorrhoids.)

Maybe this was a boring idea

A little more comfy, I guess

Am I the only one who looks at a leather chair and thinks - sweaty?

Here's some lovely restoration work by JPS regular, AMW

These types always remind me of grasshoppers

The good old days - when modern was more important than comfortable

Is that an upholstery pattern or moss?

huh?

Creepy

REALLY creepy

Created by Homeland Security - for relaxing after water-boarding

And now - more chairs