Body Part Insults

A FB friend ML, wrote a post this week: Out of respect for the human body and its noble excretory system, I have lately challenged myself to stop using body parts as derogatory expressions, but the people near that new Lexington Starbucks had me thinking...well, maybe "armpit."

Does armpit really replace Butt Hole and it’s slightly less polite alternative? Would you be insulted or just confused if someone called you an armpit? It’s no fun to confuse a jerk – jerks must be insulted – otherwise traffic gets too boring.

As a service to ML and other respecters of the lower alimentary canal (go ahead, look it up – I had to,) I’m compiling this list of non-excretory self-evidently insulting body parts.

Pustular Cyst - always a welcome surprise on picture day

Gangrenous appendage - not just for zombie movies anymore

Unconditioned hairpiece - not exactly a body part, but Shatner's not exactly an actor

Enlarged funny-bone - only funny on someone else.

Pink eye - the reason I was afraid to study conjunctions...  What?  Nobody got that?

Ingrown toenail - I can't stand these

Wart hair - your body's little flag to make sure the wart gets noticed

Impacted wisdom tooth - because late adolescence doesn't have enough pain already

Shingle rash - these drive my lupy

Inflamed uvula - not a huge insult.  I just like the word, uvula.

Swollen taste bud - I just wanted to stick my tongue out at you

Varicose vein - I think I'll save this one for pregnant women

Enlarged blackhead - a classic

Over pierced nostril - a neoclassic

Cirrhotic liver - use only with transparent Butt Holes

And finally - braided nose hair - for the jerk whose creativity you respect.

Speaking of being a jerk - here's a kill-joy vid on another popular FB post.

Bring In Your Dead

I have an affliction.

I’ve had it before, and god help me, I’ll probably have it again. I shouldn’t complain; most people have to deal with the same thing – I have a job.

Jobs have only one redeeming benefit – money. With money, I can buy goods and services, including Pop Tarts,

 and gas for the Yugo.

Unfortunately, jobs have many detriments including 1) wasted time 2) raised expectations from creditors 3) increased difficulty in free-loading on others and 4) E.J.I. (enforced jerk interaction.)

Sick days bring a respite. Unfortunately my current boss, Whipcracker Toliver, has memorized the WebbMD website, and it’s getting harder to find an illness to pass muster with him.

This morning I tried a different tack. I called work.

Whipcracker: Tote that Bail Bondage Services. This is Whip Toliver. How may our employees serve you?

Headley: Mr. Toliver, I have some sad news.

Whipcracker: What is it now, Headley?

Headley: Yes sir, I’m calling about Headley Hauser. He’s dead.

Whipcracker: Am I not talking to Headley right now?

Headley: No sir, this is Doctor Mumblefuss. I just happen to sound a lot like him.

Whipcracker: I see, Doctor Mumblefuss. This of course is a terrible tragedy. I’m sure Headley’s coworkers will be deeply saddened. I wonder if he knew before he passed on, that if I report his death to social services, he’ll no longer be eligible for unemployment or food stamps.

Headley: (pause) Maybe I should try the shock thingies.

Whipcradker: Yes, Doctor, do try the shock thingies, and if you manage to resurrect Headley, remind him that it’s his turn to bring in coffee this morning.

I’m not sure, but I think he was on to me. Next time, I gotta find someone else to play Doctor Mumblefuss.

Cral and I used to do a song about work in our spectacularly ignored act: Headley and the Rug (and Cral) Hit the Road. I apologize that there’s no tune for you, but there really wasn’t much of one even when Cral and I did it. All the Xs are for hand claps.

Love my Job

words and kinda music by Headley Hauser

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place makes me shake xxxxxxx

This place makes my belly ache xx

This place gives me things I don’t need xx

I need x I need x I need

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place makes me work xxxxxxx

This place makes me deal with a jerk xx

This place gives me things I don’t need xx

I need x I need x I need

(go up a step)

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

I need to go away XX I need to go away XX xxxx

This place gives me grief xxxxxxx

This place is just beyond belief xx

Tell my boss that I NEED TO GO!

I need x I need x

I need to leave

I’d tell you it was much better live – but there was a reason we were spectacularly ignored. Here’s a vid of someone who’s actually pretty funny.

Our Brothers of Mercy

Our Brothers of Mercy

(Mercy, Mercy, won’t they please shut up?)

It has been pointed out to me that with the inductions of Douglas Adams and Christopher Moore into the HHHH (Headley Hauser Hall of Hawnor) (link 1 link 2) that there’s been a disturbingly positive tone to Just Plain Stupid lately. After all – I need to maintain a reputation as a sarcastic (not sardonic – I’m not Australian enough to be sardonic,) snarky kind of guy.

Fair point.

In addressing this, I would like to offer my first nominating class for Our Brothers of Mercy Monastery for People Who Really Need to Take a Vow of Silence and Get Out of the Public Eye. Unfortunately, O.B.o.M.M.f.P.W.R.N.t.T.a.V.o.S.a.G.O.o.t.P.E looks too much like an eye chart gone horizontal, so I’ll just call our novitiates Brothers of Mercy or B.M.s for short.

There are so many B.M.s out there. I could never in one blog post rid the world of all them in Hollywood, Music, Sports, Media, and Trivia. To compartmentalize the task I intend to nominate novitiates (or novelize nominees?) by class, and today’s class is male actors.

Today’s special people who need to go away are:

1) Jim Belushi: This is a man so sensitive that when a coworker asked an autograph for a sick child was told, “I thought you were going to get me a blow job – you’re worse than my second ex-wife.” He never signed the autograph.

When journalist Bob Woodward wrote a serious, well-researched book about the death of Jim’s brother John, the surviving Belushi pushed his way past Woodward’s secretary, trashed the writer’s office, and proudly announced, “tell that ***** I was here.”

If his brother hadn’t been famous, Jim might have one of those unpleasant people you see doing mundane tasks for small amounts of money – easily avoided and ignored. Instead, we can’t watch one of the major networks without fear of seeing one of his promos.

You can smoke your cigars at the monastery, Jim – anything to keep your mouth shut.

2) Denis Leary: Leary reminds me of the foul-mouthed shrimp in Junior High that thought he was tough because none of the bigger kids wanted a trip to the principal’s office for hurting the helpless. You know the type; he brags that he’s ready to take on the world and then cries when one of the girls throws an eraser at him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Drew Carey or Paul Reubens have stuffed him into a locker somewhere.

Leary not only sings about being an ***hole; he stole the song from another comedian. At least his rant about parents of autistic children was his own work.

Don’t worry, Denis – there won’t be any autistic kids to beat you up at the monastery.

3) James Woods: When he’s not using twitter to send flames to the president or cutsie endearments to his 20-year-old druggie girlfriend, 66-year-old James Woods is busy playing characters you want to punch in the nose.

Sure, some actors like Richard Kiel or Christopher Lee are born to play bad guys. The thing about Woods is that even when he’s playing the good guy, you want to punch him in the nose. If Woods played the part of Pope John Paul II, I would want to punch the soon-to-be-sainted pontiff in the nose. When an actor brings out this pugilistic feeling from his audience in every role he plays, you must conclude that he has a nose desperately in need of pummeling.

But AARP would sue me for punching someone your age, James, and your girlfriend might hit me with her teddy-bear or her crack pipe – so off to the monastery with you.

Dishonorable Mention: Sean Penn. We’ll give him a pass. He suffered enough when he was married to Madonna, and unlike the three above – he can act.

It’s a good beginning, but there are many more B.M.s out there. Stay tuned.

For today's video, here's a guy riding a one-wheeled motorcycle.  I have no idea if he's a jerk like these other guys, but I hope he is because this ride doesn't end well.