Me and THE LAW Part Two

I’ve been summoned – for jury duty.

Shudder.

Back in the Middle Ages, the Church ran a lot of the courts. If you were found questioning the church’s stance on how many angels could dance on the head of a pin, you might be liable to imprisonment, fines, torture, or that old favorite, burning at the stake. The problem was – it wasn’t just the angels and pin question – there were countless grievous misthoughts that could put you on the road to smoked jerky, and the only people who knew what all those misthoughts were- were the abbots and bishops that charged, prosecuted, judged and sentenced you.

like that evil heretic, Galileo

No matter how innocent you tried to be – the church could get you on something.

Then a bunch of folks thought – “hey! why not punish only the people who hurt other people, or take/destroy other people’s stuff?” It was such a great idea that a lot of people became teriyaki sticks just for bringing it up. Some of these folks avoided being bar-b-que long enough to write these ideas up in our Constitution, but unfortunately jerks who wanted to own other people screwed with it and the lawmakers and the judges got to it before it finally caught on.

Just imagine how we might have rejoiced – law books would be in Reader’s Digest condensed form, and words like freedom, liberty and justice might mean something.

With a government like that, lawyers wouldn’t get enough work, and seeing as how lawyers make the laws, judge the laws, enforce the laws, prosecute the laws, and even defend people against those laws – pretty much anything lawyers want – lawyers get.

So if you blow your nose while watering your tulips on a Wednesday without a permit, you better hope there’s no law against it because with City, County, State and Federal law codes are racing against reality TV for the most inane and useless verbiage, there are laws against almost everything.

Such as that farmer in the Midwest that got arrested for stocking fish in a fish pond on his farm. Or the guy that lost everything because he made silver coin that he called Bicky Bucks. How about the 56 yo woman who was thrown to the floor and handcuffed for not allowing airport security to handle her breasts?

So with so many laws, everybody has to have broken a few hundred without even knowing it. That means we ALL are criminals. Any abbot or bishop, (I mean lawmaker or judge) that doesn’t like our lifestyles, philosophy, religion, politics, or the way we look can just point us out to one of the hundreds of thousands of badge and gun carrying civil servants, (the Federal Department of Education has a SWAT team, you know,) and they can detain us indefinitely. Faster than you can say - suspend habeas corpus, we’ll be sitting in detention wondering what we did wrong, and what exactly they are bar-b-queing out on the lawn.

Supposedly a jury can strike down stupid or abusive laws with something called jury nullification. But you don’t hear much about that. Maybe that’s why we don’t study civics in school any more. The abbots and bishops of modern politics don’t want to lose their power.

If I get empanelled on a jury, do I dare try to nullify a stupid law? It feels risky. There’s already a law against telling people about their rights to do it.

Too serious - sorry, I'll try to be more stupid next entry -like this video 

Me and THE LAW Part One

I’d like to offer thanks to those who suggested other Adams’ to be inducted to HHHH (see last post.) While I see some merit in the candidacy of 

Scott Adams, 

Don Adams, 

Charles Addams, 

Adam Sandler, 

Adam West, 

and even that gregarious ex-president John Quincy Adams, I wonder what the person who suggested 

Adam’s Apple was thinking.

Your views are under consideration.

But I have other things on my mind right now.

My clothes are in the laundry along with the towel I needed from that extra shower. You see, I had a little accident.

I wasn’t nervous 

just paranoid.

I got a letter from the sheriff’s department. The first time I got a letter from the law, I went into low level fight or flight mode. Am I the only one who worries about this stuff? I figure it’s just a matter of time before the powers-that-be send me up the river for a forgotten library book, or for calling Jenny Frasier bad names when I was five.

But I knew what this was, because I’ve now lived in the state of North Carolina for several years.

The state of North Carolina (along with others as I understand it,) charges sales tax for any car you own – every year. I moved to NC for NY (a state that loves a good tax,) and brought with me my old and much-abused Suzuki Speck (so small you don’t need to park it – just put it in your pocket.) The following year, I get a sales tax bill for my Speck.

"But I didn’t buy this car in North Carolina.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“I paid sales tax for it when I bought it.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“It’s already paid off.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Alright – so once I pay sales tax here, I’ll only have to pay registration each year?”

“No, you’ll have to pay sales tax on your vehicle every year.”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t matter.”

They say that life forms that are abused regularly (horses, dogs, political prisoners, postal employees) begin to feel they deserve it after a while and accept it. When I got my letter from the Sheriff’s department this month, I didn’t even vomit or pee my pants with fear and shock. After pulling myself out of hiding behind the large bush next to my mail box, I opened my letter to see how much I needed to pay to repurchase my 22yo car this year.

That’s when I vomited and peed my pants – not to mention falling into a pile of… something in the middle of the large bush next to my mail box.

JURY DUTY

What’s the big deal? I’ll tell you in Me and THE LAW Part Two.

Unless I get this guy...

HHHH Induction Douglas Adams

So what is HHHH you ask? It is the Headley Hauser Hall of Honor (honor is pronounced HAWNor to make it sound cool.) At the risk of stepping on the toes of my sensei, Robin Chalkley and his master blog - , I decided that – even from my perspective – there are great things in America (and those other countries out there.) There are certain people I admire – who have helped change me from a quiet disgusting low-life to a loud obnoxious disgusting low-life. These few – these happy few have set a pattern of excellence in their creative endeavors that I daily try to emulate, and hence soil their reputations.

And so, for the first inductee in the HHHH – I give you (though he’s not really mine to give anyone – especially considering his current circumstances,)

Douglas Adams

Douglas Adams could rightly be listed among our greatest living writers if not for two glaring omissions – one he’s not living, and two he wasn't really that hot when you think about it.

But he was damned funny (and I don’t mean that in an eternal judgement type of way.)

When Adams was in High School he had ambitions to be John Cleese. After all, he was tall enough and thought he was clever. Indeed, many of his schoolmates commented on how tall he was. During his early radio career he managed to meet John Cleese who informed him that the position was taken. Adams was crestfallen, but these radio shows led to his five volume Hitchhiker’s Guide trilogy for which he is best known – so it wasn’t a total loss.

He also wrote other piddling stuff like the two Dirk Gently novels and (together with John Lloyd – whoever that is,) the two Meaning of Liff books which are hardly worth your time to consider.

If he were alive today, Adams might claim that these non-Hitchhiker works are under-rated.

Just as well he’s not around.

Adams died in 2001 at an age seven years younger than I am today, which puts him in the ever-increasing class of people that make me feel inferior. Such feeling aside, I have repeatedly felt free to steal the forms of shtick and humor he pioneered, which will become increasing evident if Go Figure Reads gets around to producing the Genre manuscripts I've given them.

And so, for being a comic genius incapable (due to the death thing,) of complaining when I rip him off, Douglas Adams is the inaugural member of the dead guys wing of the Headley Hauser Hall of Honor.

Selected Quotations

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

“He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped there wasn't an afterlife.”

“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naïve incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

“Humans are not proud of their ancestors and rarely invite them round to dinner.”

Here's a vid someone posted this week Douglas would have liked (at least he hasn't said he didn't.)

In The News

I’m no fan of the news. I don’t need reporters to get me depressed, but two items filtered through to me this week.

The first is the results of a study on brain function. According to… whoever they are, older brains slow down and memory lapses happen for the exact reason old people have claimed since Oog forgot where he left his club. 

 The brain gets too crammed with stuff. The more useless crap you commit to memory, the less space you have for new memories and concepts.

My New Year’s resolution is to forget everything I ever knew about 

Kim Kardashian

Justin Bieber

Ben Affleck

Jennifer Lopez

Donald Trump

and my 12^th grade French teacher.

That ought to free up enough space for a few more blog entries.

The second news bit is more disturbing.

Major League Baseball has decided to institute manager challenges into their expanded instant replay policy.

Why, you might ask (if you hadn’t already deleted it from your memory,) does that disturb me? After all, with manager challenges many of the injustices of the past (such as the non-call of interference against Ed Armbruster of the Reds in Game Three of the ’75 World Series,) might never have happened. 

 There’d be fewer angry outbursts (such as I had at my 12^th grade French teacher the day after Game Three of the ’75 World Series.) Players and fans would have lower blood pressure, fewer stains from thrown beer and hotdogs, and everyone would hold hands during the 7^th inning stretch and sing, Kumbaya.

See what I mean? Yup, baseball will be truly boring if they go ahead with this.

Worst of all, the best thing about baseball will disappear entirely.

Your fondest baseball memory might be a home run by your favorite player, a perfect game by your favorite pitcher, or the World Series getting over so they stopped pre-empting your favorite Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez related reality show. My favorite memories are of 

Tommy Lasorda

Billy Martin

Lou Piniella

or the master of them all - Earl Weaver going nose-to-nose with the umpire, maybe kicking some dirt, and blowing a neck vein before being ejected from the game.

That’s entertainment.

Sadly, all we have to look forward to now… is the game.  When the manager disagrees - he yawns and throws a red flag.

Kinda slow, huh?

Well, at least you won’t have to clog up your memory with it.

Art Is Everywhere

  I've always defined art as – stuff I can’t do except by mistake.  At different times in my life I've been raking leaves, eating mash potatoes, applying soy sauce to my brown rice and suddenly – there it is.
  I appreciate those who set out to do art intentionally.  Of course I may accept some things as art that others may not.

  Such as:

Object Art

If you didn't scowl, vehicle on the left, you wouldn't be cut out of the shot

Oh my aching dogs

And you wonder why your teenage boy looks down all the time

I'd take him on - but he'd rip my hoodie

Then there's animal art - sometimes done to the animals

She say's it's a rabbit

And sometimes done by the animals

hood ornament

Then there's performance art - moments frozen in time

Gene Wilder

Non Wisconsin/Packer fans

Pope John Paul 2

Here's a few that mess with my mind.

Apartments are small in the city

Watch your step

Civic minded chalk drawing alien

Here's a time lapse video of a guy that looks too young to remember what he's drawing.

Bad Signs, Ads and Labels

 Lynn V. R. and Joe T. are two friends from High School – which means they are very old people. They are also (or were before I called them old,) Facebook friends. They share (meaning they each have,) and share (meaning they offer it to others,) an appreciation for bad signs.

Maybe I’m a little sensitive to this subject having so many written words out there that can be taken the wrong way. (My proofreader assures me that the funniest bit in Trouble in Taos was something I didn’t intend to say.)

Still – they have sent me (as have a few others,) so many pictures of bad signs, ads and labels that I figured it was time to share their brand of humor with the many fives of you who read this blog.

Part One - Wait...

That does say flickering - right?

Nothing wrong here - till you count the arms

So I just go see... hey?

Good safety tip - thanks

Sure it does.

Part Two - Yuck

From Florida?

And for dessert...

Part Three - expression

How about Sancho?

Where's the petition?  I'll sign.

Part Four - worth repeating.  These images have been on JPS before.

Great ad

Truth in Advertising!

When I was a kid - this ad freaked me out.  I never grew out of it.