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Thursday, February 28, 2013

I'm Not Stupid!

Headley Hauser – that’s me. You might have seen my TV show, Headley and the Rug (and Cral) or read my novella, Trouble in Taos, or seen my exquisite articles in prestigious newspapers, bound compilations, web sites, and bathroom walls across the country.

Just Plain Stupid – that’s not me. I’m not stupid. Really – I’m not stupid. Alright, if you look at my latest business card it says “just plain stupid,” under my name, but that’s not my fault. I didn’t do that. You see, I write for an outfit called Go Figure Reads dot com. I write for them because… well, they’re the best I could get.

And do they know it! I don’t want to say I’m being abused but, I’m being abused. First of all, I’ve written a bunch of stuff that’s just bursting with publishability, but they’re sitting on it. It took ‘em forever to release Trouble in Taos, and then they put a bunch of stupid junk in there to ruin it for all of us. They also came up with the business cards, and now… this blog.

You have lots of stupid stuff, Headley,” they say to me. “Why not blog it and see if anyone is willing to read it? After all, Dave Barry made a career of being stupid, not to mention Christopher Moore, Douglas Adams, and the Carls, Hiaasen and Lombardi, so why can’t you?”

First of all, I agree that Barry and both Carls write stupid stuff – or used to write stupid stuff in the case of Barry who now spends his time playing the guitar, and having high-profile marital problems, but Adams is dead, and Christopher Moore wrote, Lamb, the best book since I learned to read, so don’t talk about them.

Yeah, stupid stuff like that,” they say. “Put it all in your blog, and stop bugging us to publish it.”

So why do I put up with this abuse? I don’t know. Maybe I’m ADHD, or have COPD, IBS, or FDIC. Maybe it’s OCD.

I wrote a song about OCD for my TV show. It would have been a big hit if anyone had watched. Imagine an obsessively compulsive, droning tune that gathers enthusiasm and intensity as it goes.


Is good for me

I would not any

Other way be

So I don’t want

Your therapy


Is good for me


Is good for me

With afternoons

Spent blissfully

Counting the leaves

On my front yard tree

Yes, OCD

Is good for me


Is good for me

I count the seconds

It takes to pee

Still have that eighth grade

Locker key

Cause OCD

Is good for me


Is good for me

I seal the tines

On my rotisserie

I organize

My socks weekly

See? OCD

Is good for me


Is good for me

I’ll tune your doorbell

When it’s off key

And count your freckles

One two three

Sure, OCD

Is good for me


Is good for me

No need to tie me

Elbow to knee

You attached my electrodes


Hey! OCD

Is good for me


Is good for me

My head sounds like

A buzzing bee

Do you think this shock

Will set me free?

Nah, OCD

Is good for me!



Ah, the heck with it

Let’s go see some mud wrestling

Sigh… Maybe my stuff is a little stupid.