Hello –
Walter Bego here, Senior Editor of Go Figure Reads – the company
that so judiciously rejected Dirk Destroyer for publication.
As odd as it
may sound, there was a time when the manuscript you’ve been reading
was worse than it is now. Its improvement is largely due to Judy
Oregano. She made several corrections, suggestions, and even cut out
whole chapters (or non-chapters.) Three of those non-chapters are
below. I include them here for the benefit of our more masochistic
readership.
Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother – the lost (thank
goodness) non-chapters.
Chapter Non-Thirteen
Whine, Whine, and Something Else
Headley here again. I’m getting some criticism, and I thought I
should address it. It seems that some people are upset about the
irregularity of my chapters. Some chapters are numbered by word,
like this one, and others are numbered by… well, numbers, I guess.
Numerals, you say?
Well did I ask you?
The reason for this is quite clear if you’re paying any kind of
attention to what’s going on. The chapters uh, numeralized are the
chapters that keep the story flowing. The other chapters are titled
by word because that’s the way I want them.
It’s very frustrating to receive such criticism while I’m still
writing my rough draft. Here’s an email I got.
Dear Headley Hauser:
You are an ass. You should burn in hell. Your chapters are
driving me crazy. Chapter 12 was puny, and chapter 11 went on
FOREVER! I wanted to find the school nurse’s station and
fast-forward you to oblivion. Why are you doing this? Are you from
the devil? I hope you and the devil have a wonderful time in
eternity together.
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Let me just say this. You’ve got quite a mouth on you for a mom.
Do you kiss your kids after saying stuff like that? I don’t know
where in the US Calcutta is, but I worry about the kids in your town
if all the moms are like you.
I’d really like to say a great deal more here, because my publisher
– Go Figure Reads (gofigurereads.com) is always on me about how
short my stories are. Well if all the readers are like Mother Terri
out there in Calcutta, I guess that means I’m just doing them a
favor.
Chapter Non-Fourteen
HA!
There! Chapter 13 is short too. I even named the chapter Grand
Prize Give-Away even thought there were no Prizes in the chapter,
Grand or otherwise. I did it just to piss off that Theresa mutha’.
Take that you Calcutta crack-pot!
Chapter Non-Sixteen
I Get Interrupted. You Get Interrupted
Headley again. I’m only interrupting because I keep getting
interrupted. Another e-mail. You won’t believe what…
Well, I just let you read it.
Dear Headley Hauser:
It is my unpleasant duty to correct some misapprehensions on
your part in your… literary efforts entitled, “Dirk Destroyer’s
Less Destructive Brother.” Although the errors and incidents of
poor taste are too numerous to catalog in a simple email, I must
specifically address your mistakes regarding Mother Theresa of
Calcutta.
First of all, Calcutta is not in the United States, but is the
primary city of the Indian state of West Bengal. Secondly, Mother
Theresa is so titled not because she had physical children, but
because of her station at the head of an order of nuns who showed
great mercy to the starving multitudes of Calcutta. The third matter
is that I can state without reservation that Mother Theresa did not
write the email in question for two incontrovertible reasons.
The first reason is that Mother Theresa was a saintly woman – so
much so, that many here in the Vatican and around the world believe
that she will achieve sainthood in the not-too-distant future. As
such, she would never use the language, nor express the sentiments
found in your chapter thirteen.
The second reason I feel certain that Mother Theresa did not write
that email is that she died a number of years ago.
Sincerely yours:
His Holiness, Benedict XVI, Pope of
the Universal Catholic Church (retired.)
P.S. You are a moron.
HHBXVIPotUCC (retired)
Look – I don’t know if the Mother Terri thing was a put-on or
not, but I can see right through this Pope email.
First of all (see – I’m writing just like pope-guy here!) there
is NoWay the church would ever vote for a pope named Benedict. I
mean Benedict means bad guy, like Benedict… Well, that bad guy who
did bad stuff, and in spite of what some of my Baptist friends may
say, the Catholic Church would not intentionally elect a bad guy pope
named Benedict. I don’t know anyone with a good word to say about
the name Benedict – a name fit for only bad guys and runny eggs.
And what kind of last name is Xvi? How do you even pronounce that?
The next thing you’re going to tell me is that we’ve elected a
guy named Hitler, Castro or Hussein to be President. Give me a
break!
Clearly, the
literary world owes a debt of thanks to Judy Oregano for cutting such
puerile poopedy-poop from Dirk Destroyer. She’s here with us via
the magic of modern technology.
Judy, was
reading the rough version of Dirk Destroyer hard on you?
Oh,
sweetie, It was easy as pie, with a glass of white wine. I prefer
pecan pie and Chardonnay. But nothing fancy. It's wasted on me. But
to be honest, there were some difficulties to be endured. The
most difficult being the hot flashes. Wine seems to trigger those in
women of a certain age. But I don't give up when things get tough
because that's the kind of person I am. I'm no quitter, no matter
what Daddy said. I'd like to see him finish nursing school. Once I
saw him nurse a squirrel that had fallen out of a tree and couldn't
walk – he nursed it right straight to heaven with his shotgun. I
reckon that was merciful, but it's not the kind of nursing they
encourage nowadays. Oh, it's not the gore that was so awful, it's the
suffering. I can't hardly go for a walk in the morning, what with
having to pick up all the earthworms that got stranded on the
sidewalk during the night. I know, birds' gotta eat, too. But I hate
to see the little things struggling and drying up all pitiful like.
Which reminds me, the story was fine, just fine. Only needed a few
tweaks. As far as I can remember.
Did you do any
special training to deal with bad writing?
Naw,
just picked up a pie and some wine and ran the air conditioner on
high.
Do you have any
advice for youngsters starting out that think they might like to edit
bad fiction?
Try
nursing school first. Get an idea how much suffering you can handle.
Thank you,
Judy. Next week we continue with the narrative of Dirk Destroyer
that wasn’t quite bad enough to cut.
Headley keeps adding stupid comedy routines. I keep telling him that what the people want is classic violence.
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