This is the
first installment of many in the serializations of Dirk
Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother,
the third book in my Genre series - the Satire. Like both of the
genre books that preceded it, Dirk Destroyer begins with...
Stuff Not To Read
Author’s Note
This is a work of
satire.
Whatever else you
might think of this story, keep this in your mind – this is a work
of satire.
Satire – keep that
in mind.
Do I care about
satire? Do I have an appreciation of the importance of satire in the
maelstrom of political movements since ancient Greece? Could I even
give you a good definition of satire?
No.
So why, you might
ask, and if you did, I might listen, am I writing a satire story, and
secondarily, why am I going to such pains to make certain you know
that the story is satire – which it is, by the way – no doubt
about it.
Lawyers.
Some of you have
nodded your heads and understood completely, but as you are also the
people who will go on and choose a better novel from your local
online (local online?) bookstore, I will explain myself for the dim
bulbs who are more likely to buy one of my books.
(Oh, but you’re
such cute dim bulbs. Remember, romantic dinners and really good naps
rarely occur under 250 watt floodlights.)
For some reason, and
don’t ask because I don’t understand it myself, the litigious
community of gold-digging law professionals have chosen one category
of expression to be the alle-alle-in-come-free from the plague of
litigious abuse that they have rained down on this country since the
apple tree sued George Washington. Those of you paying attention may
have already guessed that the holy safe ghouls I speak of is satire.
You can say ANYTHING
about ANYBODY in satirical form and get away with it! All you have
to do is change one letter of their name, or exaggerate one feature
on their image, pretend to make some vague political point, and you
are home free.
So what is my
political point?
Can I pretend I
didn’t hear that question?
No? All right, for
the moment, my political point is that most political points are
stupid, and that most politicians are ugly doo-doo dumb-heads.
If that doesn’t
work, I’ll figure something out by the end of the story.
Editor’s Note
Customarily, an
editor/publisher sends out advanced copies of a new book to prominent
citizens in hopes of getting cover blub (I laughed, I cried, I
couldn’t put it down… God (heaven.)) Their highest hope is to
find someone who will write a prestigious foreword for the book.
We got plenty of
feedback when we sent out Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive
Brother, unfortunately, we didn’t get permission to use any of it
for cover blurb. We’ve decided to include some of these comments
here, but in order to hide the commentator’s identity (and to avoid
law suits,) we will only use each person’s initials and location:
“Dithspicable…”
Sen. J.M.
(Washington, D.C.)
“I’d tell you
what I think, but it wouldn’t be prudent…”
fmr Pres.
G.H.W.B. (Kennebunkport, ME)
“I’m just glad a
Democrat didn’t write it…”
fmr Pres. J.C.
(Planes, GA)
“I didn’t get
it…”
VP J.B.
(Washington, D.C.)
“Somebody ask
Frank what he did with my bell book and candle.”
H.H. B. XVI
(retired) (Vatican, Rome)
“It made me want
to be a Muslim so I could declare Jihad…”
Rev. B.G.
(Montreat, NC)
“I don’t have
that job anymore. I don’t have to read stuff…”
fmr Pres.
G.W.B. (lost somewhere)
“It’s just what
I was talking about when I said the west was doomed…”
(the ghost of)
O.B.L. (hell)
“Not enough
chicks…”
fmr Pres. B.C.
(Hooters)
So you can see our
problem. As a result, we have turned (as we have done before,) to a
fictional character to write our foreword. In spite of the fact that
fictional characters are technically incapable of refusing to do
anything, a number changed their phone numbers, and twitter accounts
long enough for us to settle on Ralph, better known as Slime Monster,
from the not quite so bad Headley Hauser novella, Volition
Man, Defender of Pollyville and Surrounding Towns.
Foreword
Hello? Can you read
me?
Hello, my name is
Ralph, though to be accurate, my name at the time of mitosis was
Canaramma Meat-Flavored La…
Maybe it’s not
such a good idea to write out my original name in case you’re
reading this aloud, as it will send one of us careening across the
galaxy, and as I am fictional and gelatinous, I am more likely to go
careening than you are.
Other than the
Declaration of Independence, I have not read any earth literature
before, and I feel confident in saying that if you have read the
Declaration of Independence, you will find Dirk Destroyer’s Less
Destructive Brother different on many points. For one thing, all of
the s’s are not shaped like f’s.
I found that ufeful.
So that’s the
positive points to the story.
I noticed that no
humans in this story go to the bathroom. The rat-bird and the sheep
quite properly defecate regularly, but the humans go through their
busy adventures without pausing to purge. People clean themselves
either through water-flow, or the use of physics, but elimination of
waste products (with the exception of one reference to a doodie
centuries before) does not occur. I must tell you that from my
limited understanding of human anatomy, this is very unhealthful.
Please humans, eliminate your waste products! Were I back on earth,
knowing what I know now, I would create one of those public service
announcements. It is not gold – do not hoard it!
Ah, regrets.
There is nothing
else of note that I gleaned from this story.
Respectfully –
Ralph
Author’s Second
Note
In times past, Go
Figure Reads has intentionally sabotaged my efforts with faint
praise, and unhelpful forewords.
Sigh, this time, I
have to agree.
Worst Novel Ever?
You decide.
Next Friday we
start the story - or Stuff to Read. If you forgot to download the
first two books in the series when it was free this week, Amazon will
be happy to accept two hundred and ninety-nine pennies (or digitally
electrical facsimiles thereof,) to download each now. Volition Man Trouble in Taos
And now, the
video.
