Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

This year has been a revelation. Everything I thought I knew about virtue, responsibility, leadership, and… personal grooming has been stood on its oddly coiffed head in 2015. Now as we come upon the season for creating New Year’s resolutions, I find that this time-honored tradition has become outmoded.

“Why is this?” you may ask.

It’s all changed due to the unorthodox presidential campaign of The Donald. Will inauguration day, 2017 bring us our first White House reality show? If a mature republic chooses its governance in such a fashion, it seems incumbent on me to bend with the times. With a leader so unfettered, why should I create a list restrictions and imperatives designed to make me a better person?

So, no New Year’s resolutions.

(Actually I do have one New Year’s resolution. I resolve not to buy expensive presents for children under 10. Instead, I will go to the local furniture and appliance store, get the three largest boxes they’ll give me for free, nest them, and put a Dollar Store toy inside.)

Putting that aside, this is my list of things I DON’T resolve for 2016.

1) I don’t resolve to hold my temper.

Why should I? It’s not restraint and politeness that impresses and wins, but bluster, blather, and bloviation. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what tone you use. What matters is that you say whatever comes into your head LOUDER than the other person.

2) I don’t resolve to apologize when I’m wrong.

I never realized before, but a person is never wrong if he or she sticks to his guns and never backs down. Facts be damned! Be a hero!

3) I don’t resolve to work out more.

I almost learned this from President Bill Clinton, but then he went on a diet.

(What a waffler!)

The Donald is pudgy, and no one says a word.

VLACAYCEB! (Viva la Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet.) And on a related note…

4) I don’t resolve to pay attention to my personal grooming.

Any questions?

5) I don’t resolve to stay true to my commitments.

In 1979, The Donald supported Carter’s reelection.

Then he was a firm supporter of Reagan.

He supported Bush, but then was (in hindsight) a supporter of Bill Clinton, so much so that he later ran a fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.

In 2008 he endorsed Newt Gingrich,

Mitt Romney,

John McCain,

and finally Barack Obama.

Now he’s promising not to run third party if he’s not the Republican nominee

(tee-hee, good one, Donald.)

This philosophy of firm commitment to whatever direction the wind blows

is really liberating!

6) I don’t resolve to make my positions clear.

If a debt-collector asks me what I’m going to do about my over-due credit card bill, I’ll tell him unequivocally that debt is bad. I’ll tell him that I’ll be hard-nosed about it. I’ll tell him that I’m the only credit card holder out there that’s truly qualified to bring this balance under control. I’ll be firm. I’ll speak loudly. I might pound my fist a time or two, and then I’ll hang up.

That’ll solve the problem!

7) I don’t resolve to prepare myself for my job.

Nuance schmooance! I’m particularly impressed with The Donald’s positions on foreign policy. ISIS won’t dare cross him. Mexico will gladly pay for our boarder control. China and Russia will do precisely what he damn-well tells them to do!

All this time I’ve worried about my readers wanted – trying to be funny, trying not to offend. I’ve been a total a suck-up! People will now read my blog and buy my books because I’VE DECIDED THAT THEY WILL!!!!! Trouble In Taos Volition Man Cinder

Who would have guessed it was so easy? I’m so grateful to Mr. Trump for setting me straight on all this. I feel free (in an angry and curmudgeonly way.)

Oh, and just one more.

8) I don’t resolve to vote for Donald Trump in 2016.

If you want details of the The Donald's policies, you need to talk to his two top advisers.

Dirk Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother part One Stuff Not To Read

This is the first installment of many in the serializations of Dirk Destroyer's Less Destructive Brother, the third book in my Genre series - the Satire. Like both of the genre books that preceded it, Dirk Destroyer begins with...

Stuff Not To Read

Author’s Note

This is a work of satire.

Whatever else you might think of this story, keep this in your mind – this is a work of satire.

Satire – keep that in mind.

Do I care about satire? Do I have an appreciation of the importance of satire in the maelstrom of political movements since ancient Greece? Could I even give you a good definition of satire?

No.

So why, you might ask, and if you did, I might listen, am I writing a satire story, and secondarily, why am I going to such pains to make certain you know that the story is satire – which it is, by the way – no doubt about it.

Lawyers.

Some of you have nodded your heads and understood completely, but as you are also the people who will go on and choose a better novel from your local online (local online?) bookstore, I will explain myself for the dim bulbs who are more likely to buy one of my books.

(Oh, but you’re such cute dim bulbs. Remember, romantic dinners and really good naps rarely occur under 250 watt floodlights.)

For some reason, and don’t ask because I don’t understand it myself, the litigious community of gold-digging law professionals have chosen one category of expression to be the alle-alle-in-come-free from the plague of litigious abuse that they have rained down on this country since the apple tree sued George Washington. Those of you paying attention may have already guessed that the holy safe ghouls I speak of is satire.

You can say ANYTHING about ANYBODY in satirical form and get away with it! All you have to do is change one letter of their name, or exaggerate one feature on their image, pretend to make some vague political point, and you are home free.

So what is my political point?

Can I pretend I didn’t hear that question?

No? All right, for the moment, my political point is that most political points are stupid, and that most politicians are ugly doo-doo dumb-heads.

If that doesn’t work, I’ll figure something out by the end of the story.

Editor’s Note

Customarily, an editor/publisher sends out advanced copies of a new book to prominent citizens in hopes of getting cover blub (I laughed, I cried, I couldn’t put it down… God (heaven.)) Their highest hope is to find someone who will write a prestigious foreword for the book.

We got plenty of feedback when we sent out Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother, unfortunately, we didn’t get permission to use any of it for cover blurb. We’ve decided to include some of these comments here, but in order to hide the commentator’s identity (and to avoid law suits,) we will only use each person’s initials and location:

“Dithspicable…”

Sen. J.M. (Washington, D.C.)

“I’d tell you what I think, but it wouldn’t be prudent…”

fmr Pres. G.H.W.B. (Kennebunkport, ME)

“I’m just glad a Democrat didn’t write it…”

fmr Pres. J.C. (Planes, GA)

“I didn’t get it…”

VP J.B. (Washington, D.C.)

“Somebody ask Frank what he did with my bell book and candle.”

H.H. B. XVI (retired) (Vatican, Rome)

“It made me want to be a Muslim so I could declare Jihad…”

Rev. B.G. (Montreat, NC)

“I don’t have that job anymore. I don’t have to read stuff…”

fmr Pres. G.W.B. (lost somewhere)

“It’s just what I was talking about when I said the west was doomed…”

(the ghost of) O.B.L. (hell)

“Not enough chicks…”

fmr Pres. B.C. (Hooters)

So you can see our problem. As a result, we have turned (as we have done before,) to a fictional character to write our foreword. In spite of the fact that fictional characters are technically incapable of refusing to do anything, a number changed their phone numbers, and twitter accounts long enough for us to settle on Ralph, better known as Slime Monster, from the not quite so bad Headley Hauser novella, Volition Man, Defender of Pollyville and Surrounding Towns.

Foreword

Hello? Can you read me?

Hello, my name is Ralph, though to be accurate, my name at the time of mitosis was Canaramma Meat-Flavored La…

Maybe it’s not such a good idea to write out my original name in case you’re reading this aloud, as it will send one of us careening across the galaxy, and as I am fictional and gelatinous, I am more likely to go careening than you are.

Other than the Declaration of Independence, I have not read any earth literature before, and I feel confident in saying that if you have read the Declaration of Independence, you will find Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother different on many points. For one thing, all of the s’s are not shaped like f’s.

I found that ufeful.

So that’s the positive points to the story.

I noticed that no humans in this story go to the bathroom. The rat-bird and the sheep quite properly defecate regularly, but the humans go through their busy adventures without pausing to purge. People clean themselves either through water-flow, or the use of physics, but elimination of waste products (with the exception of one reference to a doodie centuries before) does not occur. I must tell you that from my limited understanding of human anatomy, this is very unhealthful. Please humans, eliminate your waste products! Were I back on earth, knowing what I know now, I would create one of those public service announcements. It is not gold – do not hoard it!

Ah, regrets.

There is nothing else of note that I gleaned from this story.

Respectfully – Ralph

Author’s Second Note

In times past, Go Figure Reads has intentionally sabotaged my efforts with faint praise, and unhelpful forewords.

Sigh, this time, I have to agree.

Worst Novel Ever?

You decide.

Next Friday we start the story - or Stuff to Read. If you forgot to download the first two books in the series when it was free this week, Amazon will be happy to accept two hundred and ninety-nine pennies (or digitally electrical facsimiles thereof,) to download each now.  Volition Man  Trouble in Taos

And now, the video.