Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

Things I DON’T Resolve for 2016

This year has been a revelation. Everything I thought I knew about virtue, responsibility, leadership, and… personal grooming has been stood on its oddly coiffed head in 2015. Now as we come upon the season for creating New Year’s resolutions, I find that this time-honored tradition has become outmoded.

“Why is this?” you may ask.

It’s all changed due to the unorthodox presidential campaign of The Donald. Will inauguration day, 2017 bring us our first White House reality show? If a mature republic chooses its governance in such a fashion, it seems incumbent on me to bend with the times. With a leader so unfettered, why should I create a list restrictions and imperatives designed to make me a better person?

So, no New Year’s resolutions.

(Actually I do have one New Year’s resolution. I resolve not to buy expensive presents for children under 10. Instead, I will go to the local furniture and appliance store, get the three largest boxes they’ll give me for free, nest them, and put a Dollar Store toy inside.)

Putting that aside, this is my list of things I DON’T resolve for 2016.

1) I don’t resolve to hold my temper.

Why should I? It’s not restraint and politeness that impresses and wins, but bluster, blather, and bloviation. It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what tone you use. What matters is that you say whatever comes into your head LOUDER than the other person.

2) I don’t resolve to apologize when I’m wrong.

I never realized before, but a person is never wrong if he or she sticks to his guns and never backs down. Facts be damned! Be a hero!

3) I don’t resolve to work out more.

I almost learned this from President Bill Clinton, but then he went on a diet.

(What a waffler!)

The Donald is pudgy, and no one says a word.

VLACAYCEB! (Viva la Atlantic City all-you-can-eat buffet.) And on a related note…

4) I don’t resolve to pay attention to my personal grooming.

Any questions?

5) I don’t resolve to stay true to my commitments.

In 1979, The Donald supported Carter’s reelection.

Then he was a firm supporter of Reagan.

He supported Bush, but then was (in hindsight) a supporter of Bill Clinton, so much so that he later ran a fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.

In 2008 he endorsed Newt Gingrich,

Mitt Romney,

John McCain,

and finally Barack Obama.

Now he’s promising not to run third party if he’s not the Republican nominee

(tee-hee, good one, Donald.)

This philosophy of firm commitment to whatever direction the wind blows

is really liberating!

6) I don’t resolve to make my positions clear.

If a debt-collector asks me what I’m going to do about my over-due credit card bill, I’ll tell him unequivocally that debt is bad. I’ll tell him that I’ll be hard-nosed about it. I’ll tell him that I’m the only credit card holder out there that’s truly qualified to bring this balance under control. I’ll be firm. I’ll speak loudly. I might pound my fist a time or two, and then I’ll hang up.

That’ll solve the problem!

7) I don’t resolve to prepare myself for my job.

Nuance schmooance! I’m particularly impressed with The Donald’s positions on foreign policy. ISIS won’t dare cross him. Mexico will gladly pay for our boarder control. China and Russia will do precisely what he damn-well tells them to do!

All this time I’ve worried about my readers wanted – trying to be funny, trying not to offend. I’ve been a total a suck-up! People will now read my blog and buy my books because I’VE DECIDED THAT THEY WILL!!!!! Trouble In Taos Volition Man Cinder

Who would have guessed it was so easy? I’m so grateful to Mr. Trump for setting me straight on all this. I feel free (in an angry and curmudgeonly way.)

Oh, and just one more.

8) I don’t resolve to vote for Donald Trump in 2016.

If you want details of the The Donald's policies, you need to talk to his two top advisers.

Ten Words for Baby New Year

So, it’s almost the New Year.

Growing up I saw cartoons of old man 19__ paired with baby 19__ in newspapers, billboards, and sometimes even on doodles made by bored classmates.

As I was a child, I focused on the old man. I felt sorry for him – knowing that his mission, if not his life, would end at midnight New Years Eve.

Now I’m on my way to being an old man, I look at the baby. He looks so clueless. Somebody should help him out.

Here’s

Ten Words for Baby New Year.

by Headley Hauser

1) Sleep. It’s under-rated. As a baby, they let you sleep all the time. Take advantage of it. Before February rolls along, they’ll be waking you up for school, and then it never ends. Store up your zzzs while you can.

2) Floss. It’s over-rated. Baby food tastes just as good in November as it does in January.

3) Christmas. Sorry Baby New Year, you have been royally rooked. Your birthday doesn’t come till you’re about to go to Old Man retirement, and Christmas is only a week before that. It’s a form of child abuse. Demand presents now! Declare MLK birthday as your Christmas, or maybe wait till Valentines Day – by then you’ll be ready for a nice bike.

4) Weather. We’re not in Australia here – January is COLD. Old Man Year gets to wear a full robe and carry a combination hour glass/space heater, while you’re stuck in a diaper? Find yourself a good pair of footy pajamas and don’t let go of them till St Patrick’s Day.

5) Yummy. It’s a trick word that parents use. When they tell you something’s yummy, it’s probably lima beans or spinach. Yummy may sound like a good thing, but make them eat a spoonful first.

6) Football. It’s a sport. All the boring games took place in Old Man Year’s term and now people are excited about the games in your first several days. Don’t worry. Barney will be back on the air by the time you’ve outgrown him.

7) Rock-a-bye. I know – it’s scary as hell. It doesn’t mean that the people singing it want to put you on a tree top and then let it rock till you come crashing down to earth. They really mean well, believe it or not.

8) Farts. They are funny. Old people pretend they’re not, but they’ll still laugh when a baby like you does it. Knock yourself out.

9) Pets. On the whole – they’re good. No, the dog that licks your face is not trying to eat you.

The cat avoids you because he knows you want to pull his tail. No matter how much the fish beg – they really won’t like it outside of the bowl.

10) Politicians. Avoid them. Every politician loves to claim you as the reason it’s time for his or her poorly-thought-out concept of what’s in the public good. Lucky for you, Baby 2014, you’re not one of those big change years like poor old Baby 2000, but still be on your guard. Remember, even before you learn how to talk, you can still blow raspberries – very effective with these clowns.

Here's a video with some more high-brow baby humor.