Trouble in Taos: Batwings and Stangers, Part Four

Still no right answers in my Nine (should be Eight) Missing Words Contest. Finally we’re getting into the song portion of Chapter Seven of Trouble in Taos. The tune is The Ants Go Marching In, which is a variation of Johnny Comes Marching Home, which is probably a variation of a variation of a variation going all the way back to Oog Got Bit by a Dinosaur. Today’s scrambled letters are to word seven - EENRV. That means so far the phrase is ___ _ TRIPTREE GILTH SUEHO ___ EENRV ___ ___. If you think you know the 9 (should be 8) missing words and want to win a Trouble in Taos coffee cup, send your guess, name, and mailing address to headleystupid@gmail.com, with the subject line Nine Missing Words.

Oh, if you want an idea of what’s going on, the first three parts of Chapter Seven are here1,here2 , and here3.

Lowell took another sip of beer. “Alright,” he said, “here’s a song I learned in the Carolinas before the war.”

And he sang. The tune was a bit like Johnny comes marking home, but it was livelier, and instead of sounding like the music was marching, it sounded like it was rocking with the waves.

Off to sea went the fighting ship, make way, make way.

You never did see a mightier ship, make way, make way.

With a hearty crew and a captain proud

They sailed through the night in the fog and the cloud,

And the crew roared MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, you better get out of the way.

Two-Bucket leaned over to Flossy, who was holding his hand under the bar, at least I hope it was his hand. “This song’s a hell of a lot better than his first one.”

Flossy showed her teeth again, and I decided that I just wasn’t going to look their way for a while.

The captain spied a light ahead, make way, make way.

They better move, or they’ll be dead, make way, make way.

To the ship ahead, this is Captain Clyde,

Move five degrees port or else we’ll collide,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

By this time, we were all shouting, “Make way,” when it got to that part of the song. Jacques didn’t stop there. He was mouthing all the words an instant after Lowell sang them. I figured that he was trying to memorize the song as Sparger sang it. It didn’t seem like he needed to do such a thing. Sure, songs were hard to come by, but we had a singer who knew hundreds of songs. We felt like rich men. Jacques mighta known it was too good to last.

Out of the gloom, there came a reply, make way, make way.

You better move or else you will die, make way, make way.

To Captain Clyde, this is Seaman Nash,

Move five degrees port or else you will crash,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

The strumming was louder now and a little faster. Slimy jumped off his stool and started hoppin’ around. I guess by that time I should have stopped trying to predict what Slimy would do, but I never had him pegged as a dancing guy. I couldn’t blame him. My feet were tapping.

The Captain said, have some reason, son, make way, make way.

This fighting ship is twelve hundred ton, make way, make way.

With a triple hull, and a mighty prow,

We’ll make short work of your garbage scow,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

Slimy was dancing like one of those gospel-show-holy-ghost preachers who set their act up in tents. Sparger didn’t seem to mind; he was strummin’ and smiling as we watched Slimy dance. He even held off the next verse so Slimy became the focus of attention.

Slimy’s dancing aired out an aroma that really shouldn’t a-been released indoors. Lowell couldn’t have missed the stench, bein’ back against the wall with a cloud of Slimy smell between him and the door. Sparger was a nice regular fella who knew a bunch of songs. He’d be welcome anywhere, even with respectable folk, and he looked content to be with us. It seemed too good to be true.

Here's the trailer to one of the worst sequels of all time - but it was Christopher Lloyd's birthday this week, and doesn't he make a great cowboy?

Trouble in Taos: Batwings and Strangers Part Two

This is the second installment of the seventh chapter of Trouble in Taos. Part One is here. If you would like to win a Trouble in Taos coffee cup, enter the Nine Missing Words contest (though two of the nine missing words should really be one compound word.) The letter scramble for the forth word is: GILTH.

Part Two

Every time a stranger came into the Rosa Linda, we asked him if he knew any songs. Most didn’t. A few would start singing “Dixie,” or “Green Grow.” One feller sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” We never bothered learning that one. A fair number of the regulars had been Rebels. Sure, the war was over, even Slimy knew that – though Slimy thought the South won it. But the Rebs didn’t want their noses rubbed in it, and even us Yankees didn’t care much for “The Battle Hymn.” It just sounded so churchy.

One fella offered to teach us “Garry Owen.” We passed on that one too. It was that bastard Custer’s song. There were more Indians, or at least part-Indians, among us than there were Rebs. Even after Little Big Horn nobody wanted any part of that tune.

I wracked my brain to remember the words to those great songs like “Beating Down the Micks” and “Chinaman in a Ditch,” but bein’ born with a voice like a cat with a rusty nail in its tail, I never bothered to learn songs I knew I couldn’t sing.

The day Lowell Sparger stepped into the Rosa Linda was a day I’ll never forget. Lowell was the first man to walk through Estevo’s new bat-wing doors. Estevo ordered the doors from a Sears and Roebuck’s catalog. They were supposed to be real popular in western saloons.

“Ain’t they too small?” asked Charlie Four Fingers. “They don’t reach the ground.”

“No,” said Estevo, “that’s the way they are supposed to look. See here in this catalog.”

The catalog showed a picture of duded-up cowboy pushing back the two small doors, one in each hand.

“That don’t look like any cowboy I ever saw,” said Jacques.

“Yeah,” said Flossy, “too clean. I might like to try that for a change.”

“His hat’s all white,” said Charlie. “Who ever heard of a workin’ man keepin’ a white hat clean?”

“What do you know about work?” said Two-Bucket Joe.

“Just look at the doors,” said Estevo. “They’re just like in this picture.”

“They’ll let the flies in,” said Jacques.

“More likely to let them out,” said Joe.

“You’ll see,” said Estevo. “Doors like that will bring in more business. We’ll get a whole new quality of clientele.”

“If that means clean men,” said Flossy, “then I’m for it.”

And that’s when Lowell Sparger appeared at Estevo’s new batwing doors. He wasn’t clean like the cowboy in the picture, but he was tall and straight. His clothes were nicely mended, and most amazing of all, he was carrying a guitar across his back.

I got up to make room for this stranger and motioned for Slimy to move with me against the wall. He surprised me by obeying without a word. He stank like he always did, but against the wall it wouldn’t be as strong.

The fellers at the Rosa Linda didn’t have any manners, but at least they knew that, so they just did nothing. Estevo, the only man with anything approaching sophistication, did all the talkin’.

“Welcome, stranger,” he said. “My name is Estevo Silva. I own this place.”

I got a little boggled last week looking at yodeling videos. Check this one out.

Nine Missing Words Contest

Those of you who have read Trouble in Taos link may still be wondering about an omission I made in Chapter Seven. I had the unfortunate character, Lowell Sparger sing a song at the Rosa Linda bar, but I killed him before he could finish. I felt kind of bad about doing that to my readers (and I don’t think Lowell liked it much either.)

Here’s the tune

And here are the lyrics that show in the book.

Off to sea went the fighting ship, make way, make way.

You never did see a mightier ship, make way, make way.

With a hearty crew and a captain proud

They sailed through the night in the fog and the cloud,

And the crew roared MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, you better get out of the way.

The captain spied a light ahead, make way, make way.

They better move, or they’ll be dead, make way, make way.

To the ship ahead, this is Captain Clyde,

Move five degrees port or else we’ll collide,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

Out of the gloom, there came a reply, make way, make way.

You better move or else you will die, make way, make way.

To Captain Clyde, this is Seaman Nash,

Move five degrees port or else you will crash,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

The Captain said, have some reason, son, make way, make way.

This fighting ship is twelve hundred ton, make way, make way.

With a triple hull, and a mighty prow,

We’ll make short work of your garbage scow,

And the crew roared, MAKE WAY.

We’re the mighty ship, better get out of the way.

The seaman said you’re in danger now, make way, make way.

For what you approach is no garbage scow, make way, make way.

She may be small for eight tons, she be

___ _ ________ _____ _____ ___ _____ ___ ___

Yup – that’s how I left it.

So to make up for leaving the readers in the dark, I’m planning on revealing the missing lines here on JPS. But first let’s have some fun.

Can you guess the nine missing words? The last word rhymes with be and I put (I think,) the right number of space marks for each word. Take a guess. Send your best guess to headleystupid@gmail.com with the subject line Nine Missing Words. The first one to come up with the right words (failing that – the one who comes closest: failing that – the one who gives the funniest response: failing that – the one that makes the best effort: failing that – the one that doesn’t hurt my feelings,) wins a Trouble in Taos coffee mug

It's suitable (surprisingly) for coffee.  It is also suitable for tea, hot chocolate, bullion, and Ovaltine (Mr. Pibb not recommended) (not because Mr. Pibb will harm the mug – I just don’t recommend it.)

The contest is open to anyone who has an address in the Continental US where they’d like their mug sent. (Other than in Maynard, Massachusetts – some grudges die hard.)

In the event of multiple right answers, those who were not first to get their guess in will receive a set of 6 low-quality Go Figure Reads refrigerator magnets, suitable to cling to your refrigerator door and mock you for not getting your response in fast enough. Those with right answers who fail to give their name and address will receive a raspberry via email reply.

All legal disclaimers ever written apply.

Over the next few weeks, I will be serializing Chapter Seven on Just Plain Stupid. In each installment I will jumble one of the Nine Missing Words. I will announce the correct answer and winner at the end of the series (unless the winner is too ashamed to let me use his/her/it’s/their/whatever’s name – you can make up a fake name and I’ll announce that… but the NSA will still know.) Awarding of the prize may be cancelled or delayed due to NSA actions such as kidnapping me, blocking my blog, or taking away my tin-foil hat.