Seven Things Too Irritating to be Believed

I think I've been good enough for long enough. Anyone who knows me at all knows where my inspiration comes from: love, peace and baskets of puppies? No? It comes from things that piss me off. So if you’re ready to share my annoyance, read on, because some things are just too irritating to be believed.

1) I’m cooking store brand ravioli because I’m too cheap to get Chef Boyardee. I carefully move them from the frying pan to the plate. One slips off my fork and falls. Laws of physics you say? Laws of physics, my ass! I watched the ravioli follow a convoluted course, first it detaches itself from my perfectly centered fork, it avoids the frying pan directly beneath it, zips around the plate directly in front of it and pushes itself beyond the counter to land on the only shoes I own that could be easily stained by store brand ravioli sauce. The flying Wallendas could do no better.

2) Nascar on the radio:

A sport that is the definition of tedium where the only possible interest is in watching a crash is now, reduced to just the sound. “Oh my gosh, this is unexpected, for the four hundredth and ninety third consecutive time today, the cars turn left! Somebody get me a Goody’s Powder.”

3) Why hasn’t there been a public lynching of the poopheads who change the time slot for our favorite programs?

Can anyone tell me when Prairie Home Companion rebroadcast is on? I’m still trying to figure out why they ever cancelled Hill Street Blues.

4) I’ve asked and nobody’s ever told me why they have those useless piercing tones the phone company uses to introduce a canned message:

BEEEEEEEEEP! The number you have called is no longer in service. Either you used an old phone book or you are a complete moron. Check the number, or stay on the line with our high pitched, over-modulated tones and then you can buy one of our very expensive printout phones for the deaf.

5) Why do some people race to pull out in front of you in traffic and then hit their brakes? Why? I sure don’t like having pissed off people driving where they can give me spinal injury.

Are they brake inspectors or do they work for a body shop?

6) When I’m too lazy to change the station, I sometimes here TV Preachers and hucksters scream at me, “Listen, now this is important!”

Face it buddy, I’ve heard your preaching, and it ain’t important. Is he trying to say that the previous half hour of bloviating wasn’t important? Well, at least we can agree on that.

7) Those iddy-biddy flying bugs that you can hardly see:

Why do they want to die in my coffee? Why do they want to fly in my mouth, my eyes, my nose? What beast in its right mind would want to fly up my nose? I hate mosquitoes, but at least they have the decency to be visible. I breathe these things in and I swear I can feel them biting my uvula.

I bet you have things you can add. Feel free to send them to me. Then a few months from now, you can add to your peeves – Hack bloggers that steal my list of things too irritating to be believed.

Can you guess what this dog finds too irritating to believe?

Art Isn't Really Stupid - But Sometimes It Looks That Way.

November is a busy month.  The good news for you is that means I won't be writing much in my posts.  Let's get to the pictures.
Here are some artists who like relaxing at the beach

 boaters

divers

 hanging out at the cabana

hold on...

just where is this leading?

Here are some artists that like a more urban setting

 This artist is very hot

 Is Jack home?

Don't worry - I won't keep you long

the skateboarder said this was fun

no - I don't want to feed the fish

Do humans have to be involved?

 I don't know

sometimes nature

and animals

find an aesthetic

instinctually

Which is not to deny how objects display art

 In the hanging of a print

 In the jolting of a memory

in a moment of whimsy 

or awe

Or as Bob Ross would tell us

in living each day

Here's a vid

BWG Interview

So Betty Wryte-Goode interviewed me for her column on Bethlehem Writers Roundtable. Of course she misquoted me. She might have been awestruck like these folk from Life of Brian.

Here’s what I remember from the interview.

BWG: Tell me about Humor.

Headley: Humor’s different than writing mystery, sci fi, or road signs. The rule of humor is that it has no rules. Humor thrives on almost out-worn taboos, and twisted thinking. If you think too straight, no web site will screw you up enough to be funny.

BWG: Then how does a humor writer prepare? Isn’t there anything online that will help you? How about Cracked?

Headley: Not screwy enough.

BWG: There’s George Takei’s I’m not right in the head.com. Is it helpful?

Headley: These sites are great if you’re looking to be entertained, but I found out the hard way that stealing other people’s stuff is usually not a good idea.

BWG: Oh dear! Is there nothing online that helps you prepare?

Headley: Sure, there’s stuff. The news is always good. Some humor writers go straight to the off-beat news sites like…

(alright, I drew a blank here,)

but I think it’s better to go for the straight stuff. Well, there really isn’t any straight stuff anymore, but the sources that are supposed to give you the straight stuff like Reuter’s or UPI. If you’re going for processed news, you should definitely choose one from column A and one from column B. If you go to MSNBC, or CNN, you should also go to The Blaze or Fox News. You can’t get too political – well, you can, ‘cause there are no rules, but it’s a hard row to hoe if you’re trying to make someone laugh, and convert them to your cause. How many funny Jehovah’s Witnesses have you met?

BWG: Two.

Headley: Really? Do you remember any of their shtick? I knew there was something about that 144,000 thing that had potential.

BWG: I’m sorry, I don’t remember, but stealing from them is “not usually a good idea,” right?

Headley: Sometimes I make exceptions.

BWG: This interview is supposed to be about helping other writers, remember?

Headley: Okay, as long as you promote my book. You’re going to promote my book, right?

BWG: At the end. So once you have the news, what do you do?

Headley: Think like a dog.

BWG: Pardon me?

Headley: It doesn’t have to be a dog. You can think like a cat, canary, giant squid – any creature that comes into contact with humans. The giant squid probably isn’t so good, ‘cause all it would be thinking is, ‘humans in a can – are they tasty? Do they go well with a kelp garnish?’ There’s not really a lot of range in thinking like a giant squid.

  Cats are better.

BWG: Explain, please.

Headley: Animals are funny. If you don’t believe me, check your Facebook page and count how many posts you see of cats and dogs doing funny things, or giving funny looks. Animals are funny because they think better than we do. Most of what they think makes sense. That’s pretty twisted thinking to most humans ‘cause most of what we do is stupid. We puzzle and amuse animals and they return the favor. You want to make something funny, think like an animal.

BWG: Perhaps you might give us an example.

Headley: Think of any old story like Jack and the Bean Stock. Now think of it from the perspective of the golden goose, or the cow that Jack sells for the beans. You straighten out the story when you think like an animal, which means it sounds all twisted to humans.

BWG: But most of your work that I’ve read is from a human point of view.

Headley: That’s the final twist. Put that animal thought into a human brain. You want to break the ice during stand up? Try licking your arm and batting the back of your ears with the saliva. 

The added benefit is then you don’t have wash behind your ears later.

BWG: Oh… Well, thank you Headley Hauser for all these wonderful ideas.

Headley: Don’t forget the book plug!

Of course she got this blog plug wrong, but at least she (in an understated way) did plug my book… so, (sigh) thanks, Betty… I guess.