Stanley McFarland’s Top Ten

So fellow Go Figure Reads writer, Stanley McFarland sees I’m doing lists of ten and he mentions that he has one himself in this month’s edition of Bethlehem Writers Roundtable.link Stanley’s not exactly a barrel of laughs, but I figure free material for the blog is free material for the blog. If you like this kind of serious stuff, you might want to check out his story, Sammy and May in the same issue.

Sounds That Make Me Smile

by Stanley W. McFarland

1)  A baby’s laugh.  You see a creature so completely innocent and awe-inspiring – then she pours out wisdom she’ll never top in her life.  Was I ever so wise?

2)  A train whistle.  A doorway to imagination – a train can lead to anywhere, from a grisly battle to an animated wonderland.

3)  Rain on the roof.  Do I smile because there is so great a sea of water above me – or because the roof keeps me dry?

4)  The whirring of an automatic can opener.  I think of all the cats I’ve known – poised, wishing, dreaming of that sound.

5)  A bat hitting a baseball.  Do I love baseball for the sights, smells, and sounds – or the game?  Which came first…

6)  Playing cards clacking in the spokes of a bike.  You almost never hear this anymore.  As a child it made me wish I was on a motorcycle.  As an adult it makes me wish I was a child.

7)  Opening theme music from the 1996 animated version of The Tick.  Okay, that might just be me.

8)  Dixieland Jazz.  Satchmo – I miss you dearly.

9)  Crickets, peepers, bullfrogs, an owl calling to its mate.  The quiet of the night cleans the noise from the world and leaves the beauty.

10) The heartbeat of the one I love – my head resting on her chest.  The rest of the world grows dim.

Sometimes people ask me why I can’t be more like Stanley.

 To be honest, Stan kinda reminds me of this guy.

I’ll admit – he’s more sensitive than I am, even poetic, but I can write sensitive. I even write poetry! On Monday, I’ll post some of my poetry – really good sensitive crap. You’ll like it!

BWG Interview

So Betty Wryte-Goode interviewed me for her column on Bethlehem Writers Roundtable. Of course she misquoted me. She might have been awestruck like these folk from Life of Brian.

Here’s what I remember from the interview.

BWG: Tell me about Humor.

Headley: Humor’s different than writing mystery, sci fi, or road signs. The rule of humor is that it has no rules. Humor thrives on almost out-worn taboos, and twisted thinking. If you think too straight, no web site will screw you up enough to be funny.

BWG: Then how does a humor writer prepare? Isn’t there anything online that will help you? How about Cracked?

Headley: Not screwy enough.

BWG: There’s George Takei’s I’m not right in the head.com. Is it helpful?

Headley: These sites are great if you’re looking to be entertained, but I found out the hard way that stealing other people’s stuff is usually not a good idea.

BWG: Oh dear! Is there nothing online that helps you prepare?

Headley: Sure, there’s stuff. The news is always good. Some humor writers go straight to the off-beat news sites like…

(alright, I drew a blank here,)

but I think it’s better to go for the straight stuff. Well, there really isn’t any straight stuff anymore, but the sources that are supposed to give you the straight stuff like Reuter’s or UPI. If you’re going for processed news, you should definitely choose one from column A and one from column B. If you go to MSNBC, or CNN, you should also go to The Blaze or Fox News. You can’t get too political – well, you can, ‘cause there are no rules, but it’s a hard row to hoe if you’re trying to make someone laugh, and convert them to your cause. How many funny Jehovah’s Witnesses have you met?

BWG: Two.

Headley: Really? Do you remember any of their shtick? I knew there was something about that 144,000 thing that had potential.

BWG: I’m sorry, I don’t remember, but stealing from them is “not usually a good idea,” right?

Headley: Sometimes I make exceptions.

BWG: This interview is supposed to be about helping other writers, remember?

Headley: Okay, as long as you promote my book. You’re going to promote my book, right?

BWG: At the end. So once you have the news, what do you do?

Headley: Think like a dog.

BWG: Pardon me?

Headley: It doesn’t have to be a dog. You can think like a cat, canary, giant squid – any creature that comes into contact with humans. The giant squid probably isn’t so good, ‘cause all it would be thinking is, ‘humans in a can – are they tasty? Do they go well with a kelp garnish?’ There’s not really a lot of range in thinking like a giant squid.

  Cats are better.

BWG: Explain, please.

Headley: Animals are funny. If you don’t believe me, check your Facebook page and count how many posts you see of cats and dogs doing funny things, or giving funny looks. Animals are funny because they think better than we do. Most of what they think makes sense. That’s pretty twisted thinking to most humans ‘cause most of what we do is stupid. We puzzle and amuse animals and they return the favor. You want to make something funny, think like an animal.

BWG: Perhaps you might give us an example.

Headley: Think of any old story like Jack and the Bean Stock. Now think of it from the perspective of the golden goose, or the cow that Jack sells for the beans. You straighten out the story when you think like an animal, which means it sounds all twisted to humans.

BWG: But most of your work that I’ve read is from a human point of view.

Headley: That’s the final twist. Put that animal thought into a human brain. You want to break the ice during stand up? Try licking your arm and batting the back of your ears with the saliva. 

The added benefit is then you don’t have wash behind your ears later.

BWG: Oh… Well, thank you Headley Hauser for all these wonderful ideas.

Headley: Don’t forget the book plug!

Of course she got this blog plug wrong, but at least she (in an understated way) did plug my book… so, (sigh) thanks, Betty… I guess.

Top Ten TV Themes

I'm Will Wright. In order to introduce the new blog, Junk Drawer, Headley's allowing me to post today with something I wrote a couple years ago for Bethlehem Writers Roundtable.

Top Ten TV Themes

Most of my friends had impressive vinyl collections when I was growing up. I didn’t purchase a single album until I was seventeen. I didn’t consider myself musically ignorant; after all, I watched plenty of television, and TV (particularly in the sixties and seventies) gave us many memorable theme songs.

Here’s my top ten:

10. The Monkees Theme by Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart. Like many theme songs, The Monkees Theme was catchy. I chose it over other catchy themes like The Ballad of Jed Clampett, or The Addams Family Theme, because you knew that in each episode of The Monkees, you would get a short music video at the end.

9. Star Trek by Alexander Courage. Star Trek debuted when I was eight. The theme fit the show. It was exiting, adventurous, and a little bit scary (by eight-year-old standards.) It almost made those silly William Shatner monologues worthwhile.

8. Suicide Is Painless (MASH) by Johnny Mandel (lyrics, which were not part of the TV show, were by Mike Altman, Robert Altman’s fourteen-year-old son.) Leaving out the lyrics was probably a good idea.

7. Love Is All Around (Mary Tyler Moore Show) by Paul Williams, recorded by Sonny Curtis. Yes, it was sentimental, and I never would have admitted liking it when I was thirteen, but if you watched the corner of my eye carefully, you might have seen the beginnings (just the beginnings!) of a tear, when Mary threw her hat in the air.

6. Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Cheers) by Gary Portnoy, and Judy Hart. Some songs have a way of transporting you. This song took you to a comfortable place. It had a lot to do with the success of the show.

5. Mission Impossible Theme by Lalo Schifrin. Even you were just getting up to use the bathroom, you moved differently – smoothly, and with confidence, after hearing this theme. It made you feel like you could do anything.

4. Hawaii Five-O Theme by Morton Stevens. It had a similar effect as did the Mission Impossible theme. I never liked the show, but I waited for that final chord before I changed the station.

3. Raw Hide by Dimitri Tiomkin and Ned Washington. Who cares that the lyrics were repetitive – what a ride!

2. Secret Agent Man (Danger Man) by Steve Barri and P. F. Sloan, performed by Johnny Rivers. I know Patrick McGoohan starred in the show, but I don’t remember anything else about the show – but I sure remember the song!  (sorry, I couldn't find the credits on You Tube.)

1 The Theme from Peter Gunn by Henry Mancini. The show was a little before my time, but the theme was all around me growing up. I wasn’t the only teenager who drove a little too fast and took the corners a little too sharp, as Mancini’s pulsing beat pushed adrenaline from adolescent glands, up to my brain, and then down to the accelerator.