(Insert Clever Pun Title Here)

A few weeks ago I planned to do another pun pictoral and I had this terrible title (which to punsters is a good thing.) Of course I can't remember it.

So here are some puns that my misnamed friends have been posting on FB.

There are animal-based puns

 Slaughtering them to near extinction wasn't enough

It took me a while to get this one

Dogs accept puns as part of the price they pay for kibble

Wildlife isn't so forgiving

And there are human based puns

If this infant is making puns now - how much evil will she do later?

That's how this guy got started.

I always thought these guys belonged together

Can it, Wanna-be.

Then there are food based puns

Why Atlantis will never win a land war

 This might be the oldest pun in the English language

 Not sure if it's a pun, but I want to see someone order Chocolate on a pine cone

Alright - this one actually made me chuckle

And the inanimate puns

 For all you English majors on break at Burger King

 Notice that the landscape requires more real estate?

 This should scotch those ET rumors

I always wondered why crafts in school made me feel...

Here's one my friend Cral laid on us at a restaurant last week (thankfully we were finished eating.)

At the table was a guy from IBM. He told us that working conditions were getting crappy. Cral said, "it makes sense. The company's name is I... BM."

Okay - I might as well embarass myself by including a couple of my own.

A woman walks into a music store and asks the clerk, "I want to learn to play the harp, do you give harp lessons here?"

"Not usually," says the clerk, "but maybe I can pull a few strings."

Here's one for the scientifically minded.

As the light police said to Beam. "If you stay on this bent, it's off to prism you will go."

But here's the best one posted by a friend on FB - I think it was SB.

Get it?

He wrote above it - "Sorry for the cheesy pick-up line."

I chose this obligatory pun vid because it was the shortest.  (You think I'm going to preview 8 minute pun videos?)

The Bear Is Back

For those of you under 30, the tensions between the Russia of Vladimir Putin (who I call Vlad the Impaler RasPutin)

 and the western world might be disconcerting.

For those of us a generation older, it’s more like coming home again. It’s been an uncomfortable two and a half decades not worrying about the Russian bear sending missiles – or remote-controlled robot zombie men across the bearing straight (through that inconsequential country to our north,) and into the American heartland. The only thing more troubling than anxiety caused by a present danger is free-floating anxiety with no discernable cause.

So in celebration of having a name and face to put to our bogie-man, I thought I would bring back one of my favorite Russian (Soviet) jokes.

Things weren’t going so well for Nikita Khrushchev back in 1963. The Soviet economy was experiencing shortages in everything except waiting lines. One line experiencing growing popularity was at the glass mausoleum of Joseph Stalin where Russians waited hours to gaze on the decaying features of one the world’s most popular mass-murderers.

Khrushchev was nervous. People were starting to talk about the good old days.

He needed to bury Stalin – underground, where nobody could see him anymore, but he knew that the Russian people would never let him get away with it. If he was going to bury Stalin, he had to do it overseas.

His first attempt was Great Britain, but Prime Minister Harold MacMillan wasn’t sanguine.

“You know we have Marx and Engels buried here, and I lead the conservatives who are already raising a ruckus about our socialist policies. I’ll have to decline.”

Next Khrushchev tried the U.S., but that didn’t work out either.

“We just had the Cuban Missile crisis last fall,” said President Kennedy. 

 “You’ll have to wait until things calm down.”

When Khrushchev called Charles de Gaulle,

 he hadn’t even finished describing the problem when de Gaulle shouted, “It would not be for the glory of France!” and hung up.

Nowhere else to turn, he called Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion.

 “David,” said Khrushchev, “I know we've had our problems, but I need to bury the body of Stalin. Can I bury it in Israel?”

There was silence at the other end of the line for a while until Ben-Gurion finally spoke. “All right,” he said, “You can bury Stalin here. But I gotta warn you. We have the highest resurrection rate in the world.”

So Vlad, welcome to Evil Empire status. I wish you as much success as that great Soviet leader, Yuri Andropov (who rose to power, but then dropped off.)

November 12, 1982 - February 9, 1984

 Watch out for guys with big birthmarks on their heads.

Is that a treasure map? link

Oh, and feel free to send us a political dissident from time to time. Do you have anything in a Solzhenitsyn?

Ah - the good old days...