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Monday, June 10, 2013

Creepy Things Part 1 – Diane Keaton


When Bo Derek did the dinner scene with Richard Harris in the gratuitously unnecessary 19 version of Tarzan, they collaborated on one of most unintentionally funny scenes in the history of film. Unfortunately the irony, and Richard Harris’ evident torture has been lost on UTube – can’t find it anywhere.
If you could see it, you would see the gears in Bo’s little brain going, “I’m in a scene with Richard Harris, and I’m acting REAL GOOD!”

I’m sure she was pleased until she heard the audience members laughing - at least those that weren’t yelling, “Take it off!” from the balcony.
But that was Bo Derek, a woman whose only possibility of getting near an Oscar was linked to her apparent willingness to have sex with anyone (including Cheeta as we saw in the last reel,) that might have one. (An Oscar, that is.)

So who can explain to me, Diane Keaton? When I see Diane Keaton in a movie (which I avoid when I can,) I see Bo Derek without the um… Dereks. It’s not a personal dislike. I don’t know Diane Keaton. If Diane Keaton was the local manager of the Safeway, or a clerk at the DMV, I might think she was a fine person – at least as fine as anyone can be with the emotional range of a cantaloupe.

Matt Groening exposed the fraud of Steve Guttenberg in this fantastic segment of The Simpsons  effectively ending our decade of Guttenmovies. Why has no one done this service with the woman with three expressions – fake exasperation
 fake surprise
 and face smile?
One person who is grateful for Ms. Keaton is Al Pacino. Pacino played Micael Corleone to Keaton’s 'Kay, the woman pretending to be an actress, pretending to be a mobster's wife,' in all three Godfather movies. Pacino established himself as one of filmdom’s greatest actors for his ability to make a credible interactive scene without an actress present. Keaton’s flaylings were too distracting, even for Pacino. The scenes we see in the first two films were shot on early green screen. In the super-secret original reels, a very young Pauly Shore read Kay’s lines. Pacino made him look brilliant.

Francis Ford Coppola decided to double-down in Godfather 3. “If one talentless actress works so well, two will be twice as good!” he confided to an associate as he terminated the contract with Winona Ryder to play Mary Corleone. Sophia Coppola did her level best to reach Keaton’s level of futility, but the movie fell apart when the weather department of L.A.’s KTLA channel 5 reclaimed their greenscreen mid-shoot for a special on sun cancer among dolphins. Talia Shire, who gave her career’s greatest performance in G3, is adamant that she does not wish a slow death to Keaton, her niece Sophia, or KTLA.

Keaton won an Oscar for Annie Hall, and was nominated for two others – and not in the category of most ingenuous movie prop – but best actress! Am I on another planet? This is creeping me out.