HHHH Inducts Theodor S. Geisel

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

--- Dr. Seuss

The great advantage of books is that people like Homer, Aristophanes, or Donald Trump can speak to people born thousands of years after they have ceased to convert O2 to CO2. While I wouldn’t necessarily inflict Donald Trump on the people of the forty-first century, I wish them Dr. Seuss with all my heart.

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.”

--- Dr. Seuss

His first publication was a series of four chapbooks that were combined into The Pocket Book of Boners, (1931) a title which (sadly) doesn’t translate well for the modern children’s market, but nine years later, he introduced us to the wonderful Horton

 in Horton Hatches the Egg (1940). Horton re-appeared over a decade later in Horton Hears a Who! (1954). Horton was, and continues to be, one of the great teachers of my life in the areas of kindness, patience, perseverance, and acceptance of others.

“I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!”

“A person's a person, no matter how small.”

--- Horton

It also helped that the Horton books are smashing reads.

Speaking of smashing reads, how about How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1957), The Cat in the Hat (1957), The Cat in the Hat Comes Back (1958), Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories (1958)?

Courtesy of Joe T. can you decipher this 1960 Dr. Seuss book title?

Then came Green Eggs and Ham (1960).

What is it about this classic that drives so many of us to commit it to memory? Could it be that we recognize that there are secrets and insights children know that are forgotten as adults?

“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”

--- Dr. Seuss

Dr. Seuss created books to help children read (Hop on Pop – 1963), develop vocal dexterity (Fox in Socks – 1965), connect visual skills with verbal (I Can Draw It Myself – 1970), and appreciate their environment (The Lorax – 1971).

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

--- Dr. Seuss

During the turbulent times of the late 60s and early 70s, Dr. Seuss had a way of looking beyond the conflict that divided people…

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”

--- Dr. Seuss

…and taught us to appreciate the wonder of our existence…

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” 

--- Dr. Seuss

…and how each of us makes the choices that give our lives meaning. As he said in Oh The Places You’ll Go (1990), the last book published before his death in 1991.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”

--- Dr. Seuss

Over the years I’ve heard a number of publishers say words along the lines of – Don’t give me anything like Dr. Seuss. No rhymes. No nonsense words. It’s been done – we don’t need any others.

What I hear is – Don’t give me anything like Jesus. No Gandhi. No Dr. King. We’ve heard about peace – the world doesn’t need to hear any more.

And the publishing industry is wondering why it’s in such trouble.

And so – for being a great writer, illustrator, philosopher, maker of nonsense, and a lover of child-like wonder, I induct Theodor Dr. Seuss Geisel into the Headley Hauser Hall of Honor (pronounced Hawner.)

“Remember me and smile, for it's better to forget than to remember me and cry.”

--- Dr. Seuss

Part 1

Part 2

What Makes America Great

   As we wind up our fourth of July weekend, I thought we might reflect on what we have created on this continent (well, the good parts anyway - who cares about Canada and those other countries.)
   Just what is it that makes America Great?

Her Genius

Her Math Skills

Her Innovative Agriculture

Her Selfies

Her Ironies

Her Problem Solving

Her Infrastructure

Her Postal System

Wal-Mart

Her Free Expression

How She Is Perceived

Her Militaristic Cuisine

Her Child-like Theology

Her Occasional Art

Her Architecture

And...

Her Flag

Happy Belated Birthday, America.  Sorry - I ordered cake - but it got screwed up at Wal-Mart.

Odd that this was thought of as disrespectful 45 years ago.

Helix (the cat)

In a recent post I mentioned our Hauser family cat, Helix. O2 link  Though his reference elicited little more response than anything else I write about (are you folks asleep?) I thought I might tell you more about Helix (the cat).

I’ll try to do it quietly, so as not to disturb your nap.

The most frequent question I got about Helix (the cat) was if he was related to Felix (the cat.) Of course he wasn't; Felix (the cat) (for those of you old enough to remember) was animated and carried a bag of tricks.

Nobody who ever saw Helix (the cat) in full sleep mode would ever mistake him for animated and other than an occasional dead rodent or catnip toy – he carried nothing.

Some of the questions about Helix (the cat) came from mathematicians. These questions left me all turned around in a spiral, and I couldn't follow where exactly they were leading.

I consulted world-renowned proof-reader and feline genealogist, Cral Zombo concerning Helix (the cat)’s origins.

“Helix (the cat)’s immediate ancestors were Highjinx and SheLicks, both of whom were cats, but for some reason didn’t require that fact in parenthesis following their names.

Helix (the cat)’s most notable ancestor on his father’s side was the infamous Viking adventurer Hiel-Axe (the catastrophe) who terrorized the British Isles and parts of Greenland sailing in a giant dragon-headed litter box.”

I’m sure Helix would have enjoyed terrorizing Great Britain, as long as there was Nine-Lives seafood platter and a sun-warmed pillow waiting for him at the end of each day’s carnage.

“On Helix (the cat)’s mother’s side,” the esteemed Cral Zombo continues, “Is a proud druidic tradition including Shethatscratchesromans, an implacable adversary of Julius Caesar. After suffering several defeats to the druidic feline, one May the wily roman concocted a pole with several ribbons attached at the top. Shethatscratchesromans was so preoccupied with trying to capture all the loose ribbons that Caesar managed to subdue Gaul, Belgium, bits of Germany before his nemesis came to her senses.

As Shethatscratchesromans watched the Roman conqueror safely escape beyond the Rubicon, she stared ruefully at the top of Caesar’s ribboned contraption. She recognized that the ribbons represented bondage for her people, and was heard to say, ‘the tie is cast,’ a quote that was later changed and attributed to Caesar.”

Based on Cral Zombo’s research, we can now add the incomprehensible practice of may-poling to Caesar’s many accomplishments. Experts differ on whether he should also get credit for tether ball.

I find this particular part of Dr. Zombo’s research creditable based on Helix (the cat)’s preoccupation with our Christmas trees in general and the attached garlands in particular.

Helix lived a long life, and it is perhaps best that his interest in piano playing, and life-long addiction to catnip kept him from creating the level of havoc and mayhem his ancestors did.

Some of our surviving family house plants might disagree.

I thought you might like two videos today. The first is from Helix (the cat)’s animated non-ancestor, Felix (the cat).

This second video is of the world-renowned proof-reader and feline genealogist, Cral Zombo.

Little Debbie Reprise

BY FAR the most popular post on Just Plain Stupid has been Basketball, BWG, but No Little Debbie Twinkie. original The only negative comments have been along the lines of – Hey, get to the point! This post is longer than my mortgage agreement. So here’s the good part:

Today’s post is brought to you by:

Little Debbie makes great snack cakes that taste consistently good because in addition to the unpronounceable stuff, they are made out of mostly sugar and fat – mmmmmm – good! There’s nothing like that teeth-stinging feeling of sugar crystals bonding to your enamel when you bite into a Little Debbie cake. You can eat three, or sometimes even four before you start to feel sick to your stomach!

Try this trick – eat a box of Little Debbie oatmeal cakes right before you go in to have your blood tested. It’s a great way to con a health clinic out of free insulin, or maybe even a heart bypass!

And you’re supporting America when you buy Little Debbie. I don’t know where they’re made, but even if they’re made North Korea, Iran, or… France, you can be sure that Little Debbie is sending campaign money to senators and congress-people in order to keep their darling baked and processed sugary fat balls on the market.

Surely, at this point in my presentation, the fine folks at McKee Foods are pricking up their collective ears. “This is REAL marketing!” says Little Debbie, now 62. (She’s looking svelte after losing 125 pounds thanks largely to a leg amputation due to gangrene during her last diabetic coma.)

That’s right, Little Debbie, and I’m just getting started! Send me your sweet and fat advertising money and I’ll do a little work (or get others to do work if they’re cheap) to help you produce your own webcast, much like Headley and the Rug (and Cral) that had such a wonderful run on public access TV in the summer of 2002. I’ll even ask the stars of Headley and the Rug (that I haven’t borrowed money from) to be celebrity guests on your show - The Little Deb Web!

Look – I’ve even written you a theme song! (with apologies to Leslie Bricusse, Anthony Newley, Willie Wonka, and the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr.)

The Little Deb Web

 

Who can make your fat rise?
Like Winnie of the Poo
As if you swallowed Tigger, long with Kanga and her Roo?

The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web your triglycerides go wild
And then your brain becomes goo


Who can make your glucose
Replace most of your blood
Till your red cells and your white cells form a candy cane flood?
The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web you won’t find no fruits and veggies
She don’t believe in that crud.


The Little Deb makes all those tiny cakes

From ingredients obscurious
Reading them you would be curious
(If they) hadn’t rendered you delirious.

(rinse and repeat)

On the first show, Little Debbie could talk about her acquisition of Drake’s Cakes, the makers of Devil Dogs – my FAVORITE snack food! (after Pop Tarts, and Doritos… and whatever those free mints are they leave on the counter at the Lighthouse Diner… and maybe some other stuff I can’t remember right now.)

But why just the Drakes brand? Why not all Hostess snack cakes?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/30/twinkies-deal-hostess-bidder_n_2586715.html

I did some research and it seems like the leading suitor for Twinkies et al is the same company that makes Pabst Beer. PBR and Twinkies – sounds like a recipe for a coma right there. Do we want our fellow junk-food obsessed Americans pre-mortally embalmed by this dangerous combination?

I say NO! (largely because I’m hoping for money from McKee Foods, but if anyone else offers to pay me, I’m flexible on this point.) Little Debbie is the obvious lair from which to raise the Twinkie Frankenstein from the depths of bankrupt oblivion.

Rise! Rise!

How can Little Deb Bake

All those cakes from Drake

A feat that’s hardly rinky-dinky?

She barely even lifts her pinky

(spoken) Hey Hostess!

She’s the girl to bring back Twinkie!

That oughta bring the money rolling in. I sure hope Little Debbie doesn’t pay me in Cosmic Brownies – I don’t need the flashbacks.

The original post didn't have a vid.  Listening to this guy has almost the same mind numbing effect as a box of Little Debbie.

Truly - S W McFarland

 For those of you too cheap to buy my books, Trouble in Taos Taos and Volition Man Volition are free downloads on Amazon this weekend (June 27 – 29 2014.)

That doesn’t mean you can’t go back and buy it later. I could use the cash.

Stanley McFarland, a fellow living in the delusion of his own hilarity, has asked for this post for his “humorous,” (I have to assume he’s talking about a bone,) essay.

Actors, Stay to the Script – Truly

by Stanley McFarland

I think I was 10 or 12. I’m pretty sure I wasn't 11 because odd number years don’t work out so well for me. I was watching the Academy Awards for the last time without being socially coerced to do so. In that even numbered moment, I learned the one great secret that the Academy Awards and the acting profession had to tell me:

When someone says, Truly – get ready for the big lie.

“I am so moved – truly. The people I worked with on this film are truly very special, very wonderful people. I will truly treasure their friendships for the rest of my life.

I want to thank the director who truly showed me amazing things about this profession. I am truly, truly so very grateful.”

What a load of hooey!

Six months later you read about the bickering, the nasty jealousies, and how incompetent everyone thought everyone else (except themselves) was.

Here’s a Stanley maxim: Actors never act so poorly, than when they are portraying themselves. Well maybe I borrowed that from..? Somebody.

Not that I’m disparaging movie-making. I love movies, and watch four or five a week (usually borrowed from the library.) But while a Coen Brothers or Joss Whedon film is a thing of beauty, the actors that inhabit these films are frequently tedious, disgusting, arrogant, and sophomorically ill-informed.

(Sometimes all at the same time.)

This isn’t just true of actors. Singers, athletes, writers, politicians, news-people and celebrities in general tend to be people I really don’t want to know – or know more about. This raises the question why information about these flawed and dull glitterati is a multi-billion dollar industry.

Are we a masochistic society, never happy when not scratching at our scabs, or poking at our toothaches? You could make an argument for that, but I think it’s something darker in our social character.

We, the public, take joy in seeing the mighty fallen. How much of our Revolution was about seeing King George III get his? 

 So many of our early movies were slapstick romps where pompous big shots got a pie in the face. Perhaps our schadenfreude has evolved beyond the script – to puffing up real life straw men and women of no real nobility, but great notoriety, and seeing them make fools of themselves in debaucheries, court appearances, and inane pontifical diatribes.

So to the celebrity, feeling a sense of noblesse-oblige that requires them to preach to us unwashed masses about the latest, faddish, social or political concern, you might as well know…

The joke’s on you –

Really.

I searched through several of the celebrity stupidity vids on YouTube.  I got depressed, so I'll spare you.  Here's two stupid celebrities I actually like!