It’s the NCAA tournament time and though I really don’t care,
I’ll look for anything to exploit. Of course writing a blog is much
easier if I have something already written that I can, “repurpose”
here. I search through the archives to see if I’ve ever written
something about the tournament.
I have!
I’m very excited – mostly because I’m lazy, and who wants to
use up all those hard-earned junk-food fueled calories in coming up
with something new. I prepare to cut and paste the article, A
Spouse’s Guide to March Madness.
“Nope,” say the beneficent SOBs at Go Figure Reads dot com
(gofigurereads.com)
“What-a-ya-mean, No?” I ask, both miffed and pleased that I got a
chance to use that Brooklyn accent obligatory whenever you say the
phrase ‘what-a-ya-mean’ but entirely inappropriate otherwise
(except in Brooklyn by Brooklyners… Brooklynites?...Brooklyafers…
dose guys.)
“It’s taken,” say the Go Figure Reads muckety-mucks (also an
appropriate word to use a Brooklyn accent with… also appropriate
with which to use a Brooklyn accent? Who made these
stupid grammatical rules about prepositions, anyway?)
Was I saying something? Oh yeah, they tell me that A Spouse’s
Guide to March Madness is taken. “You sold it?” I asked with
my hand out in an expectant manner.
Instead of money, I get a smug, negative, and non-negotiable shake of
the head. “It will appear in an anthology from BWG, Once Around
the Sun.”
BWG – Bethlehem Writer’s Group.
It’s a group of the most hateful type of people in the world –
people who write better than I do. One of their leaders must have
owed someone at Go Figure Reads a favor, and they included my essay,
Christmas Single Holiday in their Christmas anthology, A
Christmas Sampler, a few years ago.
“Sampler won an award, and it’s your best selling book,” the
muckety-muck tells me. “Having A Spouse’s Guide to March
Madness in Once Around will be great exposure.”
“You mean good exposure for Go Figure Reads!” I snap back in a
far less clever or even biting way than I intended. I should have
made some comment on what anatomically he liked exposing, and to who,
but you never think of such comments until afterwards.
Life is so unfair.
The muckety-muck just smiles, and I get nothing – as in, no money
in my hand, and no article to flesh out this blog post.
That’s when I decided to go commercial. The blog’s too new to
sell any advertising, but I figured I could seed the… (what do you
seed, anyway – the field? the waters? What is that supposed to
mean? ) with a little promotional promotion – a demo for all those
deep pocket types that will happily fill my hand with cash, and my
cupboards with junk food.
Today’s post is brought to you by:
Little Debbie makes great snack cakes that taste consistently good
because in addition to the unpronounceable stuff, they are made out
of mostly sugar and fat – mmmmmm – good! There’s nothing like
that teeth-stinging feeling of sugar crystals bonding to your enamel
when you bite into a Little Debbie cake. You can eat three, or
sometimes even four before you start to feel sick to your stomach!
Try this trick – eat a box of Little Debbie oatmeal cakes right
before you go in to have your blood tested. It’s a great way to
con a health clinic out of free insulin, or maybe even a heart
bypass!
And you’re supporting America when you buy Little Debbie. I don’t
know where they’re made, but even if they’re made North Korea,
Iran, or… France, you can be sure that Little Debbie is sending
campaign money to senators and congress-people in order to keep their
darling baked and processed sugary fat balls on the market.
Surely, at this point in my presentation, the fine folks at McKee
Foods are pricking up their collective ears. “This is REAL
marketing!” says Little Debbie, now 62. (She’s looking svelte
after losing 125 pounds thanks largely to a leg amputation due to gangrene
during her last diabetic coma.)
That’s right, Little Debbie, and I’m just getting started! Send
me your sweet and fat advertising money and I’ll do a little work
(or get others to do work if they’re cheap) to help you produce
your own webcast, much like Headley and the Rug (and Cral) that had
such a wonderful run on public access TV in the summer of 2002. I’ll
even ask the stars of Headley and the Rug (that I haven’t borrowed
money from) to be celebrity guests on your show - The Little Deb Web!
Look – I’ve even written you a theme song! (with apologies to
Leslie Bricusse, Anthony Newley, Willie Wonka, and the ghost of Sammy
Davis Jr.)
The
Little Deb Web
Who
can make your fat rise?
Like Winnie of the Poo
As if you swallowed Tigger, long with Kanga and her Roo?
Like Winnie of the Poo
As if you swallowed Tigger, long with Kanga and her Roo?
The
Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web your triglycerides go wild
And then your brain becomes goo
Who can make your glucose
Replace most of your blood
Till your red cells and your white cells form a candy cane flood?
The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web you won’t find no fruits and veggies
She don’t believe in that crud.
The Little Deb makes all those tiny cakes
In the Little Deb Web your triglycerides go wild
And then your brain becomes goo
Who can make your glucose
Replace most of your blood
Till your red cells and your white cells form a candy cane flood?
The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web you won’t find no fruits and veggies
She don’t believe in that crud.
The Little Deb makes all those tiny cakes
From ingredients obscurious
Reading them you would be curious
(If they) hadn’t rendered you delirious.
Reading them you would be curious
(If they) hadn’t rendered you delirious.
(rinse
and repeat)
On the first show, Little Debbie could talk about her acquisition of
Drake’s Cakes, the makers of Devil Dogs – my FAVORITE snack food!
(after Pop Tarts, and Doritos… and whatever those free mints are
they leave on the counter at the Lighthouse Diner… and maybe some
other stuff I can’t remember right now.)
But why just the Drakes brand? Why not all Hostess snack cakes?
I did some research and it seems like the leading suitor for Twinkies
et al is the same company that makes Pabst Beer. PBR and Twinkies –
sounds like a recipe for a coma right there. Do we want our fellow
junk-food obsessed Americans pre-mortally embalmed by this dangerous
combination?
I say NO! (largely because I’m hoping for money from McKee Foods,
but if anyone else offers to pay me, I’m flexible on this point.)
Little Debbie is the obvious lair from which to raise the Twinkie
Frankenstein from the depths of bankrupt oblivion.
Rise! Rise!
How can Little Deb Bake
All those cakes from Drake
A feat that’s hardly rinky-dinky?
She barely even lifts her pinky
(spoken) Hey Hostess!
She’s the girl to bring back Twinkie!
That oughta bring the money rolling in. I sure hope Little Debbie
doesn’t pay me in Cosmic Brownies – I don’t need the
flashbacks.
Oh, and my pick for the tournament? Go with the Great Danes. They
have a high number next to their name (15) which must mean they are
really strong, and they’re facing some team named Duke in the first
round.
Duke kind of sounds like a name for a Great Dane.
This post is brilliant, especially when Little Debbie steps in. I can't believe there are no comments on this post yet. Here, Headley: Have a comment.
ReplyDelete--Yam