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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Kiddie Litter

Yes, it’s Wednesday. I’m posting on Wednesday. I never post on Wednesday. Why am I posting on Wednesday? You don’t care? Then skip down two paragraphs. To those of you still reading, I have two things to say. First, you must have unusually boring lives to care why I’m posting on Wednesday, and second, I’m posting on Wednesday because I have a meeting of frustrated and impoverished writers tomorrow (being Thursday – not only the day I usually post (along with Monday,) but ALSO the day that customarily and reliably follows Wednesday.)

And now for the content of today’s prematurely e-publicated blog post. Following that line of thinking – some women might find this post unsatisfying.

Like many aspiring writers, I explore different genres. That’s what the Genre Series is about: Trouble in Taos is a Western, Volition Man is a superhero book, Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother is a satire, and I’ve even began work on a mystery, and a romance novella. I’m hoping that a special muse slaps me across the face so I can make a novella of manufacturer’s assembly instructions – preferably translated from Chinese. Imagine the joy of reading instructions that not only helps you build something, but is also doesn’t lead to despair, depression, and abuse of sugary breakfast cereals on Christmas Eve.

Speaking of Christmas Eve, you might say - what about children’s stories? (As unhygienic as it sounds, I love putting words in your mouth.) Is the Genre Series planning a children’s book? I have to say at this point, it doesn’t look good. I put a perfectly good kid’s story, The Only Roach (sounds cuddly, doesn’t it?) in my chapbook, Headley Twists Some Tales. The book was ready a year ago, and it still hasn’t been released (like an e-chapbook is that hard to release?) I also sent them the story below, and they didn’t even comment on it.

Help me out here. Can’t you see this as a wonderful picture book? Isn’t it a perfect little tale for Timmy and Sally as they’re tucked in their beds?

I Think Mr. Adams is an Ax Murderer

By Headley Hauser

I like most people on our block. Mrs. Goerschel’s dog had puppies and she let me pet them. Mr. Greenlaw gave me a petunia from his garden. Mrs. Mason bakes brownies that are even better than Mom’s and she let me take two. Mr. Bostic cut down two dead trees in his back yard and yelled funny things like timber! even when just a little branch fell to the ground.

Mr. Adams doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t even say, hi. He just gets out of his car and goes into his house and doesn’t come out till the next day.

I think he’s an ax murderer.

After all, he has a poodle, but I never see him walk him. My Mom says his house smells like pipe tobacco, and last year he had workmen paint his shutters lime green.

I think he’s an ax murderer.

Mr. Greenlaw says that I would do better spending my time putting more mulch in our garden and less time making up stories about our neighbors. Mr. Greenlaw has plants on his brain. It’s OK though, much better than being an ax murderer.

After all, Mr. Adam’s car is an SUV and it’s a new one! Joe McPherson says he once saw him throw a rock at a squirrel, and he has one of those mustaches that reach all the way down to his chin.

I think he’s an ax murderer (even though I don’t always believe what Joe McPherson says)

Mrs. Goerschel says that when you tell a dog that he’s a bad dog all the time, he becomes a bad dog. She says I should say positive things instead. Mrs. Goerschel spends a lot more time with dogs than she does with her neighbors. It’s OK though, much better than being an ax murderer.

After all, Mr. Adams doesn’t have a bicycle, a basketball hoop or anything fun that I can see. Ricky Bacharach says when he was behind Mr. Adams in the checkout line, it took so long that Ricky’s ice cream melted, and Mr. Adams wears a NY Yankess baseball cap sometimes.

I think he’s an ax murderer.

Mrs. Mason says that you need some bitter with the sweet or you’ll never have a developed palate. I’m not sure what that means, but I think she was defending Mr. Adams. Mrs. Mason knows more about gingerbread men than bad men. It’s OK though, much better than being an ax murderer.

After all, Mr. Adams pays some guy with a tractor to mow his lawn when there’s a bunch of us kids who need the money. Jerry Green says that last year at Halloween Mr. Adams gave bubblegum and he only gave one piece. I wouldn’t know. I didn’t go to Mr. Adams house, cause…

I think he’s an ax murderer.

Mr. Bostic says an ax is a useful tool and that he uses an ax sometimes when he cuts down trees. He says that I should learn more about axes and forestry and then I wouldn’t fear Mr. Adams so much. Mr. Bostic knows a lot about trees and yelling funny things like timber, but not much about Mr. Adams and yelling things like, “help, he’s trying to murder me!” It’s OK though, much better than being an ax muderer.

Grow some understanding,” says Mr. Greenlaw.

Expect the best from every creature,” says Mrs. Goerschel.

Appreciate every taste,” says Mrs. Mason.

Don’t fear what you don’t understand,” says Mr. Bostic.



Hello Mr. Adams. How are you today? What’s that you’re getting out of your new SUV? An ax? What do you plan to do with that?”