Headley again. As this is my
third blog entry, Just Plain Stupid now ranks among the top 10% of
blogs for endurance. If I do a fifth, I qualify for the blogger’s
hall of fame.
The reason for my amazing
persistence is that I recycle things I have in print. That’s
always a good sign of blossoming creativity. The following rip-off
of the Dave Barry style of saying nothing, is from my enormously
needy e-book, Headley
Makes Cents. Of
course Go Figure Reads has not released the book yet, which is part
of the reason it’s enormously needy. It needs readers. I need
money. Once the… (breathing deeply) wonderfully
generous and helpful people
of Go Figure Reads (gofigurereads.com) release the book, please
purchase several dozen.
Getting A Grip
If it’s not true, don’t
tell me differently. I heard years ago that the way they catch
monkeys in the jungle is to put a nut in a shell. The hole in the
shell is big enough for the nut to slip out if you tip it right but
too small for a monkey’s hand (while holding the nut) to pull it
out. They tell me the monkeys refuse to let go of their prize, and
kept working at it until the catchers come by and gather them up.
Most people who hear that
story think:
Stupid monkey.
I think…
Hu Zha!
I guess it’s a thing I have
about gripping.
It all started because of
coaster brakes.
When I was eight years old, I
got a new bike for my birthday. It was a lovely banana bike that
managed to sparkle magically, while still being wicked macho. I only
owned it a few weeks because my sister borrowed it when I told her
she couldn’t… and it got stolen.
Maybe that story should wait
for another time.
I loved everything about this
banana bike except the brakes. Instead of just moving my feet
backwards to stop, I had to squeeze two unmovable hand brakes. If my
tires were wet (and I still consider mud puddles the ultimate in
water-based recreation) the calipers slipped, and my wheels kept
turning. At this point I had a choice between a neato smashup with a
parked car, or I looking like a sissy dragging my feet to get my blue
macho beauty under control. I had a typical boy-child appreciation
for crashes, but no eight-year-old wants to look like a sissy.
After my bike was stolen, my
father replaced it with a bike that was so ugly that I rode it
through the woods just to avoid being seen on the street. Though the
ugly bike had coaster brakes, my father also gave me two things that
were so weird looking, that I didn’t know what they were, and still
don’t know what they’re called.
“Thanks Dad?”
“You don’t know what they
are, do you?” Dad always seemed to know what was going on when
that slack-jawed blank stare came over my face. I think he cued in
my third grade teacher, cause she picked up on it too.
“Um, plastic nut crackers?”
I guessed. “They feel a little tight.”
“They’re things to help
you build up your grip,” said my Dad who must not have known what
they were called either, unless they really are called – things to
help you build up your grip. “It’s so you can use hand brakes.”
“But I have coaster brakes
now.”
“But you’ll have hand
brakes again someday. You need to build up your grip so you don’t
crash into so many parked cars.” (Turns out, the neighbors didn’t
like seeing me crashing into their car. Who woulda guessed? Some
people grow up too much.)
“Here.” My dad grabbed
the things to help you build up your grip (tthybuyg?) and squeezed
them together until the plastic handles touched. “Now you try it.”
I took the tthybuygs and
squeezed until the plastic diamond grip pattern made my palm and
fingers look like pink waffles. Finally, I was able to bring them
together.
“Good,” said Dad. “Now,
whenever you watch TV, keep squeezing these…things, and when your
hands are too tired to continue, turn off the TV and go out to play.”
“…OK?”
The year was 1966. It was
the period of time when television discovered a salient fact. Adults
born during the depression were too serious to watch TV in the
afternoon. The children of these serious responsible parents were
mostly knuckleheads like me! In television marketing terms, I
believe that’s called ‘a softer target audience.’
I grit my teeth and gripped
my way through episodes of Batman, F-Troop, The Brady Bunch,
Gilligan’s Island, Get Smart, not to mention a Saturday morning
cartoon line-up that was just teaming with superheroes! (who had no
need for tthybuygs.) Then I discovered that there were stations
beyond channel 13. There was a station in the thirties and another
in the fifties that played nothing but programs designed to keep me
watching and wincing as sweat and blood dripped from my palms.
The connection between pain
and pleasure is something most people don’t learn about until their
college years. I learned about it clenching my tenderized fists as
Julie Newmar purred and pranced in her Catwoman leather unitard.
The payoff came at recess
when we played my favorite game: Red Rover. Red Rover is one among
the panoply of delightfully sadistic games children played at recess
back when parents and educators cared more about character than
safety. The point of Red Rover was to establish team spirit,
co-operation, and to separate a few shoulders.
The class divides into two
teams; each holding hands and forming opposing lines. One team
chants, Red
Rover, Red Rover, send Edgar right over.
As Edgar disengages from his line, he pumps up whatever testosterone
resides in his prepubescent body. His mission is to hit the opposing
line, break through, and return to his team in victory. If Edgar
fails to break through, he becomes a member of the team that just
vanquished him.
Back then we were all such
good sports. We always welcomed our newly captured teammate with
handshakes and raspberries.
The wise and perceptive Red
Rover combatant scans the battlefield, searches out, and attacks the
weakest link. Of course Edgar, being a nine-year-old boy, does no
such thing. He attacks the strongest point.
That would mean he tries to
go through me, Headley, the crimson-handed god of Red Rover.
There I stood, handclasped
with Patty on my right and Bobbie-Jeanne on my left. I impassively
listened as their delicate bones crumbled beneath my tightening grip.
Their return grip was irrelevant. Edgar’s only chance of getting
through was by severing an arm. (Assuming Bobbie-Jeanne’s hand
didn’t coagulate into such useless goo that it sifted through my
mighty fingers.)
Ah memories. Modern schools
have banned Red Rover. Fear not! Libertarians and fine bone
surgeons lobby for its return.
Years later, Bobbie-Jeanne
and I went on a date. She was strangely reluctant to hold my hand.
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