Showing posts with label Little Debbie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Little Debbie. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Just Plain Stupid Year (3) in Review


I know, it’s February, not December. Putting together a year in review post seems out of place.
But not in a Just Plain Stupid world.
My first post for JPS was February 28th 2013. There are now over 300 posts on this blog, and I, for one, am surprised. I never thought I had so much to say, even if most of it was useless dribble.
This Year’s Failures
The dribble has flowed slower this year, and so I began the immensely unpopular serialization of Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. S.B. and someone I don’t know from Russia faithfully read each post of Dirk, so it hobbles along. If you’re off your meds and wish to start reading this Donald Trump-less political satire set in a world inundated by sheep, here’s a link to the firstinstallment, and better yet, here’s a link to the firstinstallment that has anything to do with the story.
Several posts other than Dirk Destroyer have failed to attract attention this year; many because they didn’t deserve any, but a few I thought were worth reading. Tricycle Baskets Full of Evil falls in that latter category, along with Apply Yourself, and the not-yet-immortal story of Mortimer the Drop of Goo.
This Year’s Successes???
Picture posts – those stolen from FB, or taken from tee shirts or catalogs have always been among my more popular subjects, along with guest posts from other Go Figure Reads writers.
So I should just shut up and plagiarize?
Particularly surprising was the popularity of Will Wright’s rant about his bad cruise on Royal Caribbean, but less surprising was Walter Bego’s lionization of the art of Terry Gilliam.
Unfortunately for my more faithful readers, I remain incapable to taking a hint. I continue to write a few posts with a minimum of plagiarism, and some of them have done well (if sickening large numbers of people can be defined as doing well.)
Gloves vs. Mittens preyed on the public’s fascination with celebrity, and I exploited my brother’s secrets in the post, Horatio.
Clearly, many of my readers would prefer Horatio to be the Hauser that writes this blog.
The top post of this third year, Body Part Insults (written with assistance by Kim Webb,) was based on an ill-advised Facebook post of a Grammy award nominated FB friend who probably wishes now that A) she hadn’t posted her desire to not insult our noble excretory system when addressing jerks, and (especially) B) that she hadn’t clicked ‘accept’ to my friend request.
But even Body Parts can’t hold a candle to the most popular post of the life of this blog, Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie Twinkie, which I wrote very early on in the first year.
So much for showing progress.
I’d like to thank you each personally for reading my blog, but I don’t want to risk the ensuing storm of rotten vegetation (or worse.) As we limp into year Four there’s always the hope that somewhere along the line I’ll learn to write good stuff.

Or at least learn to shut up and plagiarize.

So for the video I looked up Best of 2015 on youtube and got this.  These are toys, right?

Monday, January 26, 2015

200 Reasons I’m Still Just Plain Stupid


Those of you keeping track, (or those that can do the quick math from the column on the right,) are aware that this is the 200th blog post for Just Plain Stupid. 200 useless amalgamations of pixels spit up on the digital cosmos.
I couldn’t have done it without you. So let’s get sentimental and cheesy before the NSA, Vladimir Putin, ISIS, the Disney Corporation, or Starbucks shuts this blog down.
Among all the garbage I've spewed in the last two years, a few slimy nuggets have clung to a surprising number of computers and phones across the globe. My series of creepy things has had several hundred hits, particularly the ones about Diane Keaton
 and Neil Diamond.
 Surprisingly popular was the case I made to change the word ‘off’ to ‘foo,’
 though I suspect that most of the hits were by disappointed fans of Foo Fighters. Excerpts from Trouble in Taos
have gathered thousands of reads, though sadly not as many sales on Amazon.  Even less success with Volition Man.
But the Big Kahuna of all my posts has been Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie.
 Almost half of all the hits this blog has received were on that post. Did ESPN think I was really talking sports and link it? Did the Lawyers of Little Debbie hope to bring a service denial shut down of blogspot?
I like to think it was the parody of Little Debbie done to the tune of the Candyman. Parodies frequently do well on this blog, like the parody of Starbucks to the tune of Downtown,
 the one of Gandhi to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,
 or the medley of Christmas Carol parodies in 
Not all parodies prosper. 
 My tribute to the Car Talk guys to the tune of Under the Boardwalk
My Little Loose Glute parodying my fitness struggles to the tune of Little Deuce Coup,
 and The Ballad of Gypsy’s Clean Floor to the tune of the Theme to Gilligan’s Island never got much interest.
Go Figure.
Come to think of it, posts that fail have been much more common than those that succeed. Even some posts that I thought deserved better like,
The Bear is Back,
Headley Who and How,
Annoying Things,
Helix (the Cat), and poor little
  O – I’ll Just Have that garnered only 4 hits.
Of course Stanley McFarland’s guest post, Truly
also got only 4 hits, but I think we can understand why on that one. He’s still trying to get me to post his poem, Garumplephink, but so far I think I've spared you that indignity (though it’s getting hard to keep track of which indignities I’ve foisted upon you and which I haven’t.)

So this is the point where I should make a commitment to give you even better, high quality entertainment in the year to come – to create (and steal) the most fascinating and hysterical content for your blog viewing pleasure.
Not gonna happen. But for the moment, I will continue to throw gobbets of my imagination into our increasingly disgusting cyberspace in an attempt to sell my pathetic novels and live comfortably with a reliable supply of Pop Tarts.

Because that’s what you've come to expect from Just Plain Stupid.

And now, for no reason I can think of - The Llama Song

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Little Debbie Reprise


BY FAR the most popular post on Just Plain Stupid has been Basketball, BWG, but No Little Debbie Twinkie. original The only negative comments have been along the lines of – Hey, get to the point! This post is longer than my mortgage agreement. So here’s the good part:

Today’s post is brought to you by:

Little Debbie makes great snack cakes that taste consistently good because in addition to the unpronounceable stuff, they are made out of mostly sugar and fat – mmmmmm – good! There’s nothing like that teeth-stinging feeling of sugar crystals bonding to your enamel when you bite into a Little Debbie cake. You can eat three, or sometimes even four before you start to feel sick to your stomach!

Try this trick – eat a box of Little Debbie oatmeal cakes right before you go in to have your blood tested. It’s a great way to con a health clinic out of free insulin, or maybe even a heart bypass!

And you’re supporting America when you buy Little Debbie. I don’t know where they’re made, but even if they’re made North Korea, Iran, or… France, you can be sure that Little Debbie is sending campaign money to senators and congress-people in order to keep their darling baked and processed sugary fat balls on the market.

Surely, at this point in my presentation, the fine folks at McKee Foods are pricking up their collective ears. “This is REAL marketing!” says Little Debbie, now 62. (She’s looking svelte after losing 125 pounds thanks largely to a leg amputation due to gangrene during her last diabetic coma.)

That’s right, Little Debbie, and I’m just getting started! Send me your sweet and fat advertising money and I’ll do a little work (or get others to do work if they’re cheap) to help you produce your own webcast, much like Headley and the Rug (and Cral) that had such a wonderful run on public access TV in the summer of 2002. I’ll even ask the stars of Headley and the Rug (that I haven’t borrowed money from) to be celebrity guests on your show - The Little Deb Web!

Look – I’ve even written you a theme song! (with apologies to Leslie Bricusse, Anthony Newley, Willie Wonka, and the ghost of Sammy Davis Jr.)

The Little Deb Web
 
Who can make your fat rise?
Like Winnie of the Poo
As if you swallowed Tigger, long with Kanga and her Roo?
The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web your triglycerides go wild
And then your brain becomes goo


Who can make your glucose
Replace most of your blood
Till your red cells and your white cells form a candy cane flood?
The Little Deb – In her Little Deb Web
In the Little Deb Web you won’t find no fruits and veggies
She don’t believe in that crud.


The Little Deb makes all those tiny cakes
From ingredients obscurious
Reading them you would be curious
(If they) hadn’t rendered you delirious.

(rinse and repeat)

On the first show, Little Debbie could talk about her acquisition of Drake’s Cakes, the makers of Devil Dogs – my FAVORITE snack food! (after Pop Tarts, and Doritos… and whatever those free mints are they leave on the counter at the Lighthouse Diner… and maybe some other stuff I can’t remember right now.)
But why just the Drakes brand? Why not all Hostess snack cakes?

I did some research and it seems like the leading suitor for Twinkies et al is the same company that makes Pabst Beer. PBR and Twinkies – sounds like a recipe for a coma right there. Do we want our fellow junk-food obsessed Americans pre-mortally embalmed by this dangerous combination?

I say NO! (largely because I’m hoping for money from McKee Foods, but if anyone else offers to pay me, I’m flexible on this point.) Little Debbie is the obvious lair from which to raise the Twinkie Frankenstein from the depths of bankrupt oblivion.

Rise! Rise!

How can Little Deb Bake
All those cakes from Drake
A feat that’s hardly rinky-dinky?
She barely even lifts her pinky

(spoken) Hey Hostess!

She’s the girl to bring back Twinkie!


That oughta bring the money rolling in. I sure hope Little Debbie doesn’t pay me in Cosmic Brownies – I don’t need the flashbacks.

The original post didn't have a vid.  Listening to this guy has almost the same mind numbing effect as a box of Little Debbie.


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Courting Evil


On two previous occasions I’ve made overtures to two great corporations for sponsorship:  Little Debbie and Starbucks. Surprisingly, nothing has come of either proposal. I’m getting tired of eating post-expiration-date bread from the thrift store. (I suspect they’re lying about that “nutrient-rich spinach coating.”) It’s time to make another try.

Yes, I know that I’ve had my issues with Disney, but I just want to let them know that I’m the kind of guy that can get past old disagreements and gain new perspective – you know… be bought.

To show the kind of work I’m prepared to do on their behalf, I’ve written new lyrics to one of the most hated tunes of all time, It’s a Small World After All.

Here’s the tune. I dare you to put it on continuous loop for an hour and not go pee in your neighbor’s coy pond or some other act of suburban terrorism. To spice up the chorus (which is only 6 words – 7 if you count a contraction as 2,) I’ve put in words to be sung subliminally beneath the line, After All. My version is a little more syncopated on the 2nd, 4th, and 6th lines of the verses as well. I mean, c’mon! I can’t leave it like it is.



It’s a Mouse World After All

lyrics by Headley Hauser

music by A. Vicious Sadist



Sure you know Snow White

And the crick-et-that-can-sing

Ariel in shells

Bambi and the-Li-on-King

Just a wish on a star?

No, we-own-much-more-by-far

It’s a mouse world after all



It’s a mouse world

After all (Disney over all)

It’s a mouse world

After all (This globe is just our ball)

It’s a mouse world

After all (To approach us you must crawl)

It’s our own mouse world

 

Eleven theme parks

A-long-with-for-ty-three-re-sorts

Stores in every mall

You look great-in-Don-ald’s-shorts

Disney Cruz on the waves (Snap!)

(Avast ye) Move-those-oars-you-slaves!

It’s a mouse world after all



It’s a mouse world

After all (Goofy sure is tall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Buy him at the mall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Check out our princess wall)

It’s our own mouse world

 

E- -S-P-N

Disney Channel, A&E

Disney Med-i-a

Not to-men-tion ABC

Fine-art as well it seems

Put a mouse on Munch's Scream

It’s a mouse world after all



It’s a mouse world

After all (Zippity-do-da-dall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (In black Southern Drawl)

It’s a mouse world

After all (It’s not racist, Y’all)

It’s our own mouse world



Disney Publishing

And yes we own Marvel

Hyper-i-on

Just a start, but ain’t it swell

On Broadway and on Ice

Hey, you better say it’s nice

(‘Cause) it’s a mouse world after all



It’s a mouse world

After All (We will make the call)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Fight us? – you will fall)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Don’t you love our gall?)

It’s our own mouse world



We enslaved Pixar

‘Cause all we write is crap

Absorbed P. Domain

All across the map

Don’t you dare infringe our rights

Yes! Our lawyers love those fights

It’s our mouse world OVER all.

WWWD

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Going After Starbucks


The most popular post so far on this blog isBasketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie Twinkie where I offer an advertising deal with Little Debbie. Little Debbie has yet to get back to me.

It’s time to change the lure, and go for other fish. Starbucks!

So what makes me think that Starbucks and I are a match made in Wall Street? It’s true I’m not a customer. (I was saving to go, but then I blew it on kidney surgery.) But I’m only too happy to help them raise their percent of GDP into double figures if they’ll toss a few crumbs my way.

(I mean money – not actual crumbs. Starbucks has lots of lawyers jacked up on mocha-latte so I have to be careful how I put things.)

So why does Starbucks need my help with all the money they spend on marketing? Marketing like this truck?
Memorable – but might not be the effect they were looking for.

They need a commercial with a jingle. It should be light and breezy, giving the impression that a cup of Starbucks coffee will make life easy as opposed to transforming it into a steaming, bloodshot, caffeine-induced stressfest.

Image is everything.

Here’s the tune

Starbucks

Music by Tony Hatch, lyrics by Headley Hauser

You’re driving to work and though you know he’s a jerk

You call your boss and say

Starbucks

My eyes are a blur, my words are starting to slur

But I am on my way”

Starbucks


You pull into the parking lot and cut off those in your way

No need to enter in the place; the line leads out the doorway

Checking your watch

Espresso will curl your hair

You know your boss will be angry, but what do you care? You’re at

Starbucks

People are waking here

Starbucks

Then they start shaking here

Starbucks

Caffeine is waiting for you.

(hauntingly in background,) Starbucks, Starbucks…

(A musical interlude begins where jittery dancers in green aprons tantalize those in line with scones, muffins and Ventis of other people’s refills that they are delivering to tables. Behind this scene, hoodlums in Duncan Donut uniforms break into customer cars stealing sound systems, GPSs, and small pets. Nobody leaves the line.


Barista’s asking out a girl. You hear him call her Dottie.

Your bladder says you need to pee, who cares if she’s a hottie?

Get with the brew!

Hey Romeo, throw me a bone”

Caffeine is cheaper than cocaine, less stigma than methadone

Starbucks!

Everyone’s waiting here.

Starbucks

Too early to switch to beer.

Starbucks

I’ll tip you ten bucks now just pour”