Walter Mitty is Changing My Life (without asking first.)

I just found out I’m an imaginary character. Maybe you are too. I never would have noticed except whoever is imagining me, imagined that I would know I’m imagined.

Imagine that.

Do I really write a blog? Do I actually love Pop Tarts? Did I even poop in an ever-so-satisfying way last night – or is it all in somebody’s head?

(I pooped in your head!)

I still feel real. I still care. I still worry about deadlines and lactose intolerance. Nothing has changed except that I am now aware of somebody in the room. Some guy (I assume it’s a guy because any woman who looked at my life would ask, “What’s the point?”) watches me, what I do, what I think, and then occasionally says to himself, “no, Headley doesn’t think that.” I get no choice in the matter. I just go from thinking that to thinking this.

And this is what I think – that sucks.

I’m a big fan of Danny Kaye – or at least I thought I was. One of his movies was “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.” Ben Stiller did a remake recently but Ben Stiller is not really an actor as much as he is an irritant, so I didn’t watch it.

The point of Walter Mitty was that the fantasies he lived through were so real to him that they became more important than his real life, and in the end, transformed it.

I think that I, Headley Hauser, am the imaginary creation of some desperately evil Walter Mitty. Maybe I too, am more important than this imaginer’s real life, and I am transforming it.

But it leaves me afraid. What will this guy imagine next? Will he decide that I love Diane Keaton movies; that I go on a low-sugar diet, that I become political?

(NOOOOOOOOOO!)

As horrifying as all these possibilities are, the most horrifying thing is that I have no choice in the matter – unless my evil personal Walter Mitty decides I have a choice in the matter. Then I’ll be able to choose and there will be nothing he (or I?) can do about it.

Turns out we all have our strings. Who’s the imaginary character now, Pinocchio!

Here’s wishing you all, kind and creative Walter Mittys in your life, and may you imagine a wonderful existence, free of strings and full of Pop Tarts.

Or at least I wish that now. Who knows what Mitty will have me wish tomorrow.

   Walter Mitty (certified to be at least 98% Ben Stiller free for your protection.)

Volition Man Chapter L the Conclusion

So this is the last installment of the dream sequence of Volition Man (available HERE.) If you want to see the first three installments you will find them here, here2 and here3.

Our hero, Dirgan Voleman has been dreaming. Inexplicably, (because I can’t stand explicing myself,) he is dreaming from the perspective of a Little Miss Muffet-type girl, and 25 dairy cows. Also inexplicably (for continuities sake,) he encounters his geriatric arch enemy, Eschi Evelite.

Volition Man Chapter L Part 4

(or IV if you’re classy... or a Super Bowl fan)

“You see,” said the spider, “my name is Eschi Evelite. We haven’t met formally, and I thought you should know that I am the cause of much of the trouble that is going on in Pollyville.”

Dirgan the little girl offered Eschi the spider some curds and whey.

“Thank you, no,” said the spider.

Dirgan the little girl didn't blame the spider, but still couldn't keep him-her-self from eating the chunky milk.

“I destroyed Detroit,” said Eschi the spider, “and I’m here to do the same to Pollyville. My accomplices are Whynter Yearghn, the Kool-Aid Guy who likes to be called Cyclothunderer, and Really Bad Guy, who just got cut from the Oakland Raiders practice squad and will be returning to Pollyville shortly.”

Dirgan the little girl nodded politely. Dirgan the… (well, let’s just say Dirgan seven) was disgusted with how insipidly stupid Dirgan the little girl seemed to be. It (she-he) decided to scratch a note to warn it themhimherself(selves) in the dirt with it’s/her/his hoof.

But cows can’t write. Dirgan seven mooed again, which caused Dirgan the first cow from the left, who was now, though not formerly, adjacent to Dirgan seven to kick it/her(him). Dirgan the formerly second but now third cow from the left (similarly repositioned relative to Dirgan seven) plopped a cow patty on (its)his/her hoof.

Dirgan seven didn't enjoy the kick, but found the cow patty warm and pleasant.

“Maybe,” said the spider, apparently ignoring the bovine interplay, “I could just kill you now in this stupid dream and not have to bother with you when some of us wake up.”

Dirgan the little girl knew this sounded very naughty. Dirgan seven tried to maneuver around so that (she)it(he) could kick the spider and save Dirgan the little girl. Unfortunately there were twenty-four other bovine Dirgans in her(its)his way, and they all appeared to be too stupid to understand what was going on.

Fortunately Dirgan the little girl didn't need Dirgan seven to save HhEiRm. A marionette with a cricket on its shoulder came down beside the spider. The marionette had the face of Granyard “Toast” Putter. The spider ate the head off the cricket and ambled off.

“I thure am glad,” said Dirgan the little girl with her annoying little girl lisp, “that you thaved me from the naughty thpider.”

Only Dirgan theven – er, seven – looked up the strings of the marionette to see a laughing ghost pulling those strings.

“This is really important,” said Dirgan seven to it, him, her self. “I have to remember this dream!” Dirgan seven concentrated with all the intellect afforded to dream cows to bring the details of the dream to the awakened Dirgan when he woke.

A few hours later, Dirgan awoke. For some reason that he couldn't explain, he started mooing urgently. He did this for several seconds.

And then he stopped.

“That’s odd,” said Dirgan to nobody in particular.

And that leads us to Chapter M which you will need to download Volition Man to see, cause… I guess you don’t need to download Volition Man – but I need the money, so that’s almost as important.

As I've done with the first three installments – here’s a (considerably older,) Bill Cosby telling a story.

Courting Evil

On two previous occasions I’ve made overtures to two great corporations for sponsorship:  Little Debbie and Starbucks. Surprisingly, nothing has come of either proposal. I’m getting tired of eating post-expiration-date bread from the thrift store. (I suspect they’re lying about that “nutrient-rich spinach coating.”) It’s time to make another try.

Yes, I know that I’ve had my issues with Disney, but I just want to let them know that I’m the kind of guy that can get past old disagreements and gain new perspective – you know… be bought.

To show the kind of work I’m prepared to do on their behalf, I’ve written new lyrics to one of the most hated tunes of all time, It’s a Small World After All.

Here’s the tune. I dare you to put it on continuous loop for an hour and not go pee in your neighbor’s coy pond or some other act of suburban terrorism. To spice up the chorus (which is only 6 words – 7 if you count a contraction as 2,) I’ve put in words to be sung subliminally beneath the line, After All. My version is a little more syncopated on the 2^nd, 4^th, and 6^th lines of the verses as well. I mean, c’mon! I can’t leave it like it is.

It’s a Mouse World After All

lyrics by Headley Hauser

music by A. Vicious Sadist

Sure you know Snow White

And the crick-et-that-can-sing

Ariel in shells

Bambi and the-Li-on-King

Just a wish on a star?

No, we-own-much-more-by-far

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Disney over all)

It’s a mouse world

After all (This globe is just our ball)

It’s a mouse world

After all (To approach us you must crawl)

It’s our own mouse world

 

Eleven theme parks

A-long-with-for-ty-three-re-sorts

Stores in every mall

You look great-in-Don-ald’s-shorts

Disney Cruz on the waves (Snap!)

(Avast ye) Move-those-oars-you-slaves!

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Goofy sure is tall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Buy him at the mall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Check out our princess wall)

It’s our own mouse world

 

E- -S-P-N

Disney Channel, A&E

Disney Med-i-a

Not to-men-tion ABC

Fine-art as well it seems

Put a mouse on Munch's Scream

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Zippity-do-da-dall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (In black Southern Drawl)

It’s a mouse world

After all (It’s not racist, Y’all)

It’s our own mouse world

Disney Publishing

And yes we own Marvel

Hyper-i-on

Just a start, but ain’t it swell

On Broadway and on Ice

Hey, you better say it’s nice

(‘Cause) it’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After All (We will make the call)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Fight us? – you will fall)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Don’t you love our gall?)

It’s our own mouse world

We enslaved Pixar

‘Cause all we write is crap

Absorbed P. Domain

All across the map

Don’t you dare infringe our rights

Yes! Our lawyers love those fights

It’s our mouse world OVER all.

WWWD