Volition Man Chapter L the Conclusion

So this is the last installment of the dream sequence of Volition Man (available HERE.) If you want to see the first three installments you will find them here, here2 and here3.

Our hero, Dirgan Voleman has been dreaming. Inexplicably, (because I can’t stand explicing myself,) he is dreaming from the perspective of a Little Miss Muffet-type girl, and 25 dairy cows. Also inexplicably (for continuities sake,) he encounters his geriatric arch enemy, Eschi Evelite.

Volition Man Chapter L Part 4

(or IV if you’re classy... or a Super Bowl fan)

“You see,” said the spider, “my name is Eschi Evelite. We haven’t met formally, and I thought you should know that I am the cause of much of the trouble that is going on in Pollyville.”

Dirgan the little girl offered Eschi the spider some curds and whey.

“Thank you, no,” said the spider.

Dirgan the little girl didn't blame the spider, but still couldn't keep him-her-self from eating the chunky milk.

“I destroyed Detroit,” said Eschi the spider, “and I’m here to do the same to Pollyville. My accomplices are Whynter Yearghn, the Kool-Aid Guy who likes to be called Cyclothunderer, and Really Bad Guy, who just got cut from the Oakland Raiders practice squad and will be returning to Pollyville shortly.”

Dirgan the little girl nodded politely. Dirgan the… (well, let’s just say Dirgan seven) was disgusted with how insipidly stupid Dirgan the little girl seemed to be. It (she-he) decided to scratch a note to warn it themhimherself(selves) in the dirt with it’s/her/his hoof.

But cows can’t write. Dirgan seven mooed again, which caused Dirgan the first cow from the left, who was now, though not formerly, adjacent to Dirgan seven to kick it/her(him). Dirgan the formerly second but now third cow from the left (similarly repositioned relative to Dirgan seven) plopped a cow patty on (its)his/her hoof.

Dirgan seven didn't enjoy the kick, but found the cow patty warm and pleasant.

“Maybe,” said the spider, apparently ignoring the bovine interplay, “I could just kill you now in this stupid dream and not have to bother with you when some of us wake up.”

Dirgan the little girl knew this sounded very naughty. Dirgan seven tried to maneuver around so that (she)it(he) could kick the spider and save Dirgan the little girl. Unfortunately there were twenty-four other bovine Dirgans in her(its)his way, and they all appeared to be too stupid to understand what was going on.

Fortunately Dirgan the little girl didn't need Dirgan seven to save HhEiRm. A marionette with a cricket on its shoulder came down beside the spider. The marionette had the face of Granyard “Toast” Putter. The spider ate the head off the cricket and ambled off.

“I thure am glad,” said Dirgan the little girl with her annoying little girl lisp, “that you thaved me from the naughty thpider.”

Only Dirgan theven – er, seven – looked up the strings of the marionette to see a laughing ghost pulling those strings.

“This is really important,” said Dirgan seven to it, him, her self. “I have to remember this dream!” Dirgan seven concentrated with all the intellect afforded to dream cows to bring the details of the dream to the awakened Dirgan when he woke.

A few hours later, Dirgan awoke. For some reason that he couldn't explain, he started mooing urgently. He did this for several seconds.

And then he stopped.

“That’s odd,” said Dirgan to nobody in particular.

And that leads us to Chapter M which you will need to download Volition Man to see, cause… I guess you don’t need to download Volition Man – but I need the money, so that’s almost as important.

As I've done with the first three installments – here’s a (considerably older,) Bill Cosby telling a story.

Volition Man Chapter L Part 3 – Dirgan Meets Eschi (sort of)

As you can see by the title, this is the third installment of Chapter L from Volition Man (available here.) You can read the first two installments here and here2, or if you’re linkaphobic, I’ll tell you.

Dirgan Voleman, a man with a superpower related to his relative motivational strength is having a dream. Following a series of telling personal images, he has landed on a dreamland dairy farm where he is simultaneously a herd of 25 dairy cows, and a little girl eating something disturbing.

Volition Man Chapter L (Part 3)

“Blecchk!” Dirgan murmured in his sleep.

Was this sanitary? It wasn’t milk he (she) was eating, or cheese, or even yogurt. Dirgan didn’t like yogurt, but at least that was food. This was curds and whey, or as Dirgan had called it back when he (she) was a little boy – chunky milk.

The worst part was that he (she) was enjoying it.

Dirgan, who at that moment was conscious of being the seventh cow from the left, looked up. It wasn’t a natural thing for a cow to do, maybe that’s why the other twenty-four Dirgan cows plus the Dirgan little girl missed it. Dirgan the seventh cow from the left noticed a large spindly creature lowering itself from a nearby tree. The creature had eight legs and the head of an old man. It was coming down right beside Dirgan the little girl. Dirgan the seventh cow from the left said, “Mooo!”

Dirgans one through six and eight through twenty-five looked over at Dirgan the seventh cow from the left and wondered, “What’s his (her) problem?” Dirgan the little girl thought, with an annoying little-girl lisp, “The cowth are rethtleth,” that is, until (he) she saw the huge spider.

That’s when Dirgan the little girl wet him/her self.

Every instinct in Dirgan the little girl demanded that (s)he run away, but Dirgan had been through too many motivational seminars to quail at the sight of a hundred-and-fifty-pound spider.

“You’re not running away,” said the spider.

“I gueththth not,” said Dirgan the little girl with an even more annoying little girl lisp.

“Good,” said the spider, “because I have some things to tell you.”

Dirgan the little girl waited politely, though Dirgan the seventh cow from the left ambled closer, thereby becoming the second cow from the left, though in no way changing it’s (her) (his) consciousness of being Dirgan the seventh cow from the left. Dirgan the formerly and figuratively seventh cow from the left strained to hear what the spider had to say.

“You see,” said the spider, “my name is Eschi Evelite. We haven’t met formally, and I thought you should know that I am the cause of much of the trouble that is going on in Pollyville.”

This sounds like important stuff for Dirgan (the superhero, not the cow or the little girl,) to know for we are already aware the Eschi Evelite is a dangerous and evil man – well evil anyway – or more correctly 93% evil.

Anyway, I hope Dirgan is paying attention (of course I know if he is.) If you’d like to know, come back on Thursday for the concluding post to Chapter L!

For no apparent reason my companion videos to Chapter L have been vids of old Bill Cosby routines. Here’s another one.

Dairy Wars

Across the lines came the blood-curdling cry, “Whey into them, boys!”

Anything about that line sound strange to you? For me, it’s the dairy references. Milk is comprised of curds and whey, as anyone who’s familiar with Miss Muffet on her tuffet can tell you. Curds is the part that gets hard like cottage cheese, or when scrunched together for a long time, hard cheese. Whey is the liquid stuff that curds float in when milk gets chunky. Skim milk is largely whey. Chunky milk has been curdled. Blood doesn’t curdle, it clots. Why do we say, blood-curdling instead of blood-clotting?

And what does whey have to do with impassioned violence?

That’s right men; throw that sour skim milk in their faces! Their clothes will get all filmy and their hair will look funny! They’ll smell bad for a week!

Udderly ridiculous - or is it?

Not having the money to travel, I chose the less expensive route of travel dreaming. Being an alum (meaning it took me longer to flunk out than at most schools I went to) of UMass Amherst, I decided to dream travel to the game where our mighty A-10 school faced the Wisconsin Badgers of the wimpy Big 10 (at least our division REALLY has 10 teams!) (Okay, UMass is in the Mac now – poetic license.)

There I was, on the fifty yard line, just under row 27.

Yeah, I said under.

You see ticket prices (even dream tickets,) are pretty pricey, and from a spot under the massive bleachers, I get to experience the roar and majesty of the game without paying for a ticket.

It’s also a great place to find loose change.

I was busily picking up pennies and nickels and staring hungrily at a plate of nachos perched above me, just out of reach, when I was joined by a lad of 10 or 12 wearing a red jersey with a big white W on it.

“You one of those Minute Men, Mister?” he asked.

“Yes, I went UMass,” I answered.

“Minute Men,” he scoffed. “It must make you real popular with the ladies.”

I looked again at this child, wondering if he’d meant to make an off-color remark.

“So, you up here to smell our dairy air?”

“What?” I asked. “Were you just speaking French?”

I was interrupted by a roar from the crowd as the Badgers scored a touchdown. The boy jumped up in the air in celebration and landed on my foot. As I searched for damage to my vintage P.F. Flyers, the plate of nachos fell from above. The boy snatched it as it passed so close to my face that I could smell the cheddar.

“Cheese,” said the boy, smiling as he stuffed a nacho into his mouth.

Stomach growling, foot throbbing, I watched the lad saunter off spraying nacho crumbs as he sang On Wisconsin. That’s when I noticed my wallet was missing.

I checked the score the next day – Wisconsin 45, Massachusetts 0.

Maybe dairy products are war-like.

Okay, here's a couple of videos I don't know what do with.