Volition Man Chapter L the Conclusion

So this is the last installment of the dream sequence of Volition Man (available HERE.) If you want to see the first three installments you will find them here, here2 and here3.

Our hero, Dirgan Voleman has been dreaming. Inexplicably, (because I can’t stand explicing myself,) he is dreaming from the perspective of a Little Miss Muffet-type girl, and 25 dairy cows. Also inexplicably (for continuities sake,) he encounters his geriatric arch enemy, Eschi Evelite.

Volition Man Chapter L Part 4

(or IV if you’re classy... or a Super Bowl fan)

“You see,” said the spider, “my name is Eschi Evelite. We haven’t met formally, and I thought you should know that I am the cause of much of the trouble that is going on in Pollyville.”

Dirgan the little girl offered Eschi the spider some curds and whey.

“Thank you, no,” said the spider.

Dirgan the little girl didn't blame the spider, but still couldn't keep him-her-self from eating the chunky milk.

“I destroyed Detroit,” said Eschi the spider, “and I’m here to do the same to Pollyville. My accomplices are Whynter Yearghn, the Kool-Aid Guy who likes to be called Cyclothunderer, and Really Bad Guy, who just got cut from the Oakland Raiders practice squad and will be returning to Pollyville shortly.”

Dirgan the little girl nodded politely. Dirgan the… (well, let’s just say Dirgan seven) was disgusted with how insipidly stupid Dirgan the little girl seemed to be. It (she-he) decided to scratch a note to warn it themhimherself(selves) in the dirt with it’s/her/his hoof.

But cows can’t write. Dirgan seven mooed again, which caused Dirgan the first cow from the left, who was now, though not formerly, adjacent to Dirgan seven to kick it/her(him). Dirgan the formerly second but now third cow from the left (similarly repositioned relative to Dirgan seven) plopped a cow patty on (its)his/her hoof.

Dirgan seven didn't enjoy the kick, but found the cow patty warm and pleasant.

“Maybe,” said the spider, apparently ignoring the bovine interplay, “I could just kill you now in this stupid dream and not have to bother with you when some of us wake up.”

Dirgan the little girl knew this sounded very naughty. Dirgan seven tried to maneuver around so that (she)it(he) could kick the spider and save Dirgan the little girl. Unfortunately there were twenty-four other bovine Dirgans in her(its)his way, and they all appeared to be too stupid to understand what was going on.

Fortunately Dirgan the little girl didn't need Dirgan seven to save HhEiRm. A marionette with a cricket on its shoulder came down beside the spider. The marionette had the face of Granyard “Toast” Putter. The spider ate the head off the cricket and ambled off.

“I thure am glad,” said Dirgan the little girl with her annoying little girl lisp, “that you thaved me from the naughty thpider.”

Only Dirgan theven – er, seven – looked up the strings of the marionette to see a laughing ghost pulling those strings.

“This is really important,” said Dirgan seven to it, him, her self. “I have to remember this dream!” Dirgan seven concentrated with all the intellect afforded to dream cows to bring the details of the dream to the awakened Dirgan when he woke.

A few hours later, Dirgan awoke. For some reason that he couldn't explain, he started mooing urgently. He did this for several seconds.

And then he stopped.

“That’s odd,” said Dirgan to nobody in particular.

And that leads us to Chapter M which you will need to download Volition Man to see, cause… I guess you don’t need to download Volition Man – but I need the money, so that’s almost as important.

As I've done with the first three installments – here’s a (considerably older,) Bill Cosby telling a story.

Volition Man Chapter L Part 3 – Dirgan Meets Eschi (sort of)

As you can see by the title, this is the third installment of Chapter L from Volition Man (available here.) You can read the first two installments here and here2, or if you’re linkaphobic, I’ll tell you.

Dirgan Voleman, a man with a superpower related to his relative motivational strength is having a dream. Following a series of telling personal images, he has landed on a dreamland dairy farm where he is simultaneously a herd of 25 dairy cows, and a little girl eating something disturbing.

Volition Man Chapter L (Part 3)

“Blecchk!” Dirgan murmured in his sleep.

Was this sanitary? It wasn’t milk he (she) was eating, or cheese, or even yogurt. Dirgan didn’t like yogurt, but at least that was food. This was curds and whey, or as Dirgan had called it back when he (she) was a little boy – chunky milk.

The worst part was that he (she) was enjoying it.

Dirgan, who at that moment was conscious of being the seventh cow from the left, looked up. It wasn’t a natural thing for a cow to do, maybe that’s why the other twenty-four Dirgan cows plus the Dirgan little girl missed it. Dirgan the seventh cow from the left noticed a large spindly creature lowering itself from a nearby tree. The creature had eight legs and the head of an old man. It was coming down right beside Dirgan the little girl. Dirgan the seventh cow from the left said, “Mooo!”

Dirgans one through six and eight through twenty-five looked over at Dirgan the seventh cow from the left and wondered, “What’s his (her) problem?” Dirgan the little girl thought, with an annoying little-girl lisp, “The cowth are rethtleth,” that is, until (he) she saw the huge spider.

That’s when Dirgan the little girl wet him/her self.

Every instinct in Dirgan the little girl demanded that (s)he run away, but Dirgan had been through too many motivational seminars to quail at the sight of a hundred-and-fifty-pound spider.

“You’re not running away,” said the spider.

“I gueththth not,” said Dirgan the little girl with an even more annoying little girl lisp.

“Good,” said the spider, “because I have some things to tell you.”

Dirgan the little girl waited politely, though Dirgan the seventh cow from the left ambled closer, thereby becoming the second cow from the left, though in no way changing it’s (her) (his) consciousness of being Dirgan the seventh cow from the left. Dirgan the formerly and figuratively seventh cow from the left strained to hear what the spider had to say.

“You see,” said the spider, “my name is Eschi Evelite. We haven’t met formally, and I thought you should know that I am the cause of much of the trouble that is going on in Pollyville.”

This sounds like important stuff for Dirgan (the superhero, not the cow or the little girl,) to know for we are already aware the Eschi Evelite is a dangerous and evil man – well evil anyway – or more correctly 93% evil.

Anyway, I hope Dirgan is paying attention (of course I know if he is.) If you’d like to know, come back on Thursday for the concluding post to Chapter L!

For no apparent reason my companion videos to Chapter L have been vids of old Bill Cosby routines. Here’s another one.

Psychic Roach Part Four

An insignificant roach survives only because he doesn’t do what his entire tribe does – crawl into a box. Is it by chance? As the roach explores the house he discovers that he has decidedly unroach-like abilities. His sensitivity and perception of the world around includes knowledge of what objects are called and what the massive human beings use them for.

Is that the limit of his abilities?

If you would like to read the story up to this part, here are parts One, Two, and Three. Otherwise, here is:

Psychic Roach Part Four

by Headley Hauser

Three doors remained unexplored on the other side of the stairs. Light shone from the middle door, so he chose the one to the right. This room was small, crowded, and dark. It had no… windows. It looked like Only Roach was in a closet. Most of the smells in here were unpleasant, more powder and soap, and two of those plastic things that hung from the bathroom wall. There were pieces of dead roaches sifted into the carpet. He was in a death place.

Was he in a death box? He couldn’t smell anything like canned peas. He wandered to the back of the closet, and his leg caught in something springy. He tried to move his leg away, but the springy thing moved with him. It wouldn’t let go. There was some sort of cord traveling up from the floor to the back wall of the closet. He sensed movement. Above him two clusters of luminous facets sparkled. The clusters moved towards him.

A spider! A large spider was coming to eat him, and he couldn’t break free from its web. He could feel his leg begin to loosen but he needed more time; the spider was too close. If only… a sparrow would come and eat the spider. He didn’t think sparrows visited dark closets, but he pictured the sparrow anyway as he worked to free his leg.

“The sparrow is scanning the web, looking for his supper. He knows that where there are webs, there are usually fat tasty spiders.”

The roach looked up and saw that the spider’s eyes were dimming as it retreated to the back of the web. Giving another tug, Only Roach’s leg came free of the web. He scampered under the closet door and out into the hall.

He had made the spider see a sparrow that wasn’t there! But many roaches had died in that closet. Why hadn’t any of those roaches made the spider see a sparrow? He couldn’t remember a roach from his tribe doing anything like that.

“Is that why I’m alive?” he wondered.

For my unrelated (non-roach) video, I submit what I think is one of the most brilliant comic scenes in history from Danny Kaye’s Court Jester.

So, the only roach wonders why he’s still alive. Does he feel confident? Does he feel prepared for anything? Well there are bigger roach-killers than spiders, and as morning approaches – they’re about to wake up.

The danger mounts on Monday…