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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Going After Starbucks

The most popular post so far on this blog isBasketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie Twinkie where I offer an advertising deal with Little Debbie. Little Debbie has yet to get back to me.

It’s time to change the lure, and go for other fish. Starbucks!

So what makes me think that Starbucks and I are a match made in Wall Street? It’s true I’m not a customer. (I was saving to go, but then I blew it on kidney surgery.) But I’m only too happy to help them raise their percent of GDP into double figures if they’ll toss a few crumbs my way.

(I mean money – not actual crumbs. Starbucks has lots of lawyers jacked up on mocha-latte so I have to be careful how I put things.)

So why does Starbucks need my help with all the money they spend on marketing? Marketing like this truck?
Memorable – but might not be the effect they were looking for.

They need a commercial with a jingle. It should be light and breezy, giving the impression that a cup of Starbucks coffee will make life easy as opposed to transforming it into a steaming, bloodshot, caffeine-induced stressfest.

Image is everything.

Here’s the tune


Music by Tony Hatch, lyrics by Headley Hauser

You’re driving to work and though you know he’s a jerk

You call your boss and say


My eyes are a blur, my words are starting to slur

But I am on my way”


You pull into the parking lot and cut off those in your way

No need to enter in the place; the line leads out the doorway

Checking your watch

Espresso will curl your hair

You know your boss will be angry, but what do you care? You’re at


People are waking here


Then they start shaking here


Caffeine is waiting for you.

(hauntingly in background,) Starbucks, Starbucks…

(A musical interlude begins where jittery dancers in green aprons tantalize those in line with scones, muffins and Ventis of other people’s refills that they are delivering to tables. Behind this scene, hoodlums in Duncan Donut uniforms break into customer cars stealing sound systems, GPSs, and small pets. Nobody leaves the line.

Barista’s asking out a girl. You hear him call her Dottie.

Your bladder says you need to pee, who cares if she’s a hottie?

Get with the brew!

Hey Romeo, throw me a bone”

Caffeine is cheaper than cocaine, less stigma than methadone


Everyone’s waiting here.


Too early to switch to beer.


I’ll tip you ten bucks now just pour”