Vanity, Thy Name Is Motorist

Back when I was a kid – (shortly after the invention of fire, shortly before the invention of bunt cakes,) you could tell those with more money than brains by looking at their vehicle tags. The tip-off was if the plate, rather than a random collection of numbers and letters, actually spelled something like BOBSCADDY.

A number of things have changed over the last half century. First, there are far fewer people named Bob – especially under thirty. Second, fewer people brag about having a Cadillac. Third, there is a cumulative crap-load of vanity plates out on the road.

So – has the maxim changed? Are vanity plates no longer for people with more money than brains? If we answer in the negative and the maxim holds, does that mean there is a great deal more money out there, or far fewer brains?

I’ll leave those questions to the more contemplative – perhaps we’ll ask the one person under thirty named Bob – if we can find her.

Sociological contemplatives aside – vanity plates can be fun.  Many are just straight-forward.

Right - got it.

Pauli Shore has offered his entire fortune (nearly a hundred dollars,) for the rights to this one.

I think we could have figured that out on our own.

Stay clear of puddles

I suspect this driver just doesn't like tailgaters.

Some are playing the game of - what can I get away with at the DMV?

In Minnesota?  She/he must be cold.

This is why some people still buy large sedans.

This driver likes to meet new people - with side-arms and Breathalyzer kits.

The classic upside-down message.

And backwards, of course

Nothing to see here - All Bengal fans itch.

The ones I like best are those that incorporate other features to make their message - either added on...

Or within the plate itself.

A little repressed evil in this plate?

Or maybe not so repressed.

Maybe the maxim has changed.  Maybe in this era people just feel a greater need to express themselves.  It might be in their DNA

But I wouldn't rule out darker possibilities.

And more plates in our video.

Those of you paying attention may have noticed this post is about 30 hours after the customary Monday time.  I've had a scheduling change.  If you want your stupidity fresh off my Windows 98 wonder-laptop, look for updates now on Tuesdays and Fridays.

What Grammar Nazis Hath Wrought

H: “Hello, my name is Headley and I try to speak the English well…ly.”

G-Ns: “Improper use of a suffix, Headley.”

H: “This is why Grammar Nazis Anonymous was such a poor idea.”

G-Ns: “Bad idea, Headley.”

H: “As are most ideas of mine.”

Some people are surrounded by the flatulent, or party animals, or Country Music fans. I admit that these are bad things, but I think I might be willing to trade. I’ve always been surrounded by Grammar Nazis. I’m not one myself – I’m not in favor of National Socialism in any of its myriad forms, and the sub-category of speech police (see spelling Nazi, politically correct Nazi, the proper use of emoticons Nazi, and the texting abbreviation Nazi,) is especially galling and obnoxious.

Parenthetically (that’s what the parentheses are for) speaking, the NNIA (Nothing Not In Austen) Nazis, are entertaining to listen to. They speak nothing except lines from one of Jane Austen’s books. They’re particularly fun when they argue because they end up calling each other names like Mister Darcy – not because the person they are arguing with is named Mister Darcy, but because the line they use includes Mister Darcy’s name. As I said, they are fun to listen to… but don’t try saying anything unless you have your copy of Sense and Sensibility handy.

But to get to the point – I’ve lived my life surrounded by grammar Nazis which is why I began responding to the question, “How are you?” with the reply, “I’m evil.”

I was raised to respond, “I am doing well, thank you.” Speaking in such a manner greatly increases a nine-year-old’s chances to get beat up (excuse me – beaten up) on a regular basis.

The non-Nazi response to, “How are you?” or How ya doin’?” is, “Good,” or “I’m good.” While Grammar Nazis will not beaten (excuse me – beat) you for such an aural (oral?) indiscretion, they will artfully employ the English lexicon of castigational phraseology so fully that you’ll wish they just had simply beat (excuse me – beaten) you with a brick.

“You are not being good when you respond with improper grammar.”

“So I’m being evil? Works for me.”

Of course saying one is evil to the question, “How are you?” is no more proper grammatically than saying one is good. The difference is that Grammar Nazis believe you are satirizing the uncouth popular culture, and so they give you a pass.

But it doesn’t stop there. Tough guys think you’re answering truthfully and give you a wide berth, Fundamentalists don’t witness to you (except the Presbyterians who think you know something about the five points of Calvinism which is almost as entertaining to hear described as listening to NNIA Nazis argue,) political hacks think you’re making a societal statement, Vegans think you’re commenting on humankind, and stupid people laugh uncomfortably because they figure it must be a joke they don’t get.

I get a lot of uncomfortable laughs.

Saying, “I’m evil,” has worked so well for me that I’m starting to hear other people use it – even people I don’t know.

I figure that a hundred years from now, saying, “I’m evil,” will become so popular that there will be a special speech Nazi group formed to eradicate it and beaten (excuse me – beat) people with castigational phraseology who employ my little reply.

Then some clever person will try out the response, “I’m good.”

Hey!  A video that relates to the subject!  It had to happen eventually.

Courting Evil

On two previous occasions I’ve made overtures to two great corporations for sponsorship:  Little Debbie and Starbucks. Surprisingly, nothing has come of either proposal. I’m getting tired of eating post-expiration-date bread from the thrift store. (I suspect they’re lying about that “nutrient-rich spinach coating.”) It’s time to make another try.

Yes, I know that I’ve had my issues with Disney, but I just want to let them know that I’m the kind of guy that can get past old disagreements and gain new perspective – you know… be bought.

To show the kind of work I’m prepared to do on their behalf, I’ve written new lyrics to one of the most hated tunes of all time, It’s a Small World After All.

Here’s the tune. I dare you to put it on continuous loop for an hour and not go pee in your neighbor’s coy pond or some other act of suburban terrorism. To spice up the chorus (which is only 6 words – 7 if you count a contraction as 2,) I’ve put in words to be sung subliminally beneath the line, After All. My version is a little more syncopated on the 2^nd, 4^th, and 6^th lines of the verses as well. I mean, c’mon! I can’t leave it like it is.

It’s a Mouse World After All

lyrics by Headley Hauser

music by A. Vicious Sadist

Sure you know Snow White

And the crick-et-that-can-sing

Ariel in shells

Bambi and the-Li-on-King

Just a wish on a star?

No, we-own-much-more-by-far

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Disney over all)

It’s a mouse world

After all (This globe is just our ball)

It’s a mouse world

After all (To approach us you must crawl)

It’s our own mouse world

 

Eleven theme parks

A-long-with-for-ty-three-re-sorts

Stores in every mall

You look great-in-Don-ald’s-shorts

Disney Cruz on the waves (Snap!)

(Avast ye) Move-those-oars-you-slaves!

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Goofy sure is tall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Buy him at the mall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (Check out our princess wall)

It’s our own mouse world

 

E- -S-P-N

Disney Channel, A&E

Disney Med-i-a

Not to-men-tion ABC

Fine-art as well it seems

Put a mouse on Munch's Scream

It’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After all (Zippity-do-da-dall)

It’s a mouse world

After all (In black Southern Drawl)

It’s a mouse world

After all (It’s not racist, Y’all)

It’s our own mouse world

Disney Publishing

And yes we own Marvel

Hyper-i-on

Just a start, but ain’t it swell

On Broadway and on Ice

Hey, you better say it’s nice

(‘Cause) it’s a mouse world after all

It’s a mouse world

After All (We will make the call)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Fight us? – you will fall)

It’s a mouse world

After All (Don’t you love our gall?)

It’s our own mouse world

We enslaved Pixar

‘Cause all we write is crap

Absorbed P. Domain

All across the map

Don’t you dare infringe our rights

Yes! Our lawyers love those fights

It’s our mouse world OVER all.

WWWD