200 Reasons I’m Still Just Plain Stupid

Those of you keeping track, (or those that can do the quick math from the column on the right,) are aware that this is the 200^th blog post for Just Plain Stupid. 200 useless amalgamations of pixels spit up on the digital cosmos.

I couldn’t have done it without you. So let’s get sentimental and cheesy before the NSA, Vladimir Putin, ISIS, the Disney Corporation, or Starbucks shuts this blog down.

Among all the garbage I've spewed in the last two years, a few slimy nuggets have clung to a surprising number of computers and phones across the globe. My series of creepy things has had several hundred hits, particularly the ones about Diane Keaton

Creepy Things Part 1 – Diane Keaton

 and Neil Diamond.

What is Creepy Part 3: Sweet Caroline

 Surprisingly popular was the case I made to change the word ‘off’ to ‘foo,’

In Support of Foo

 though I suspect that most of the hits were by disappointed fans of Foo Fighters. Excerpts from Trouble in Taos

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

have gathered thousands of reads, though sadly not as many sales on Amazon.  Even less success with Volition Man.

Volition Man Chapter L Dirgan Falls Asleep

But the Big Kahuna of all my posts has been Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie.

Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie Twinkie

 Almost half of all the hits this blog has received were on that post. Did ESPN think I was really talking sports and link it? Did the Lawyers of Little Debbie hope to bring a service denial shut down of blogspot?

I like to think it was the parody of Little Debbie done to the tune of the Candyman. Parodies frequently do well on this blog, like the parody of Starbucks to the tune of Downtown,

Going After Starbucks

 the one of Gandhi to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,

Gandhi link

 or the medley of Christmas Carol parodies in 

Modern Single Holiday

Not all parodies prosper. 

In Memory Tom Magliozzi

 My tribute to the Car Talk guys to the tune of Under the Boardwalk, 

My Little Loose Glute

My Little Loose Glute parodying my fitness struggles to the tune of Little Deuce Coup,

Ballad of Gypsy's Clean Floor

 and The Ballad of Gypsy’s Clean Floor to the tune of the Theme to Gilligan’s Island never got much interest.

Go Figure.

Come to think of it, posts that fail have been much more common than those that succeed. Even some posts that I thought deserved better like,

The Bear Is Back

The Bear is Back,

Headley Who and How

Headley Who and How,

Annoying Things

Annoying Things,

Helix (the Cat)

Helix (the Cat), and poor little

O - I'll just have...

  O – I’ll Just Have that garnered only 4 hits.

Of course Stanley McFarland’s guest post, Truly

Truly

also got only 4 hits, but I think we can understand why on that one. He’s still trying to get me to post his poem, Garumplephink, but so far I think I've spared you that indignity (though it’s getting hard to keep track of which indignities I’ve foisted upon you and which I haven’t.)

So this is the point where I should make a commitment to give you even better, high quality entertainment in the year to come – to create (and steal) the most fascinating and hysterical content for your blog viewing pleasure.

Not gonna happen. But for the moment, I will continue to throw gobbets of my imagination into our increasingly disgusting cyberspace in an attempt to sell my pathetic novels and live comfortably with a reliable supply of Pop Tarts.

Because that’s what you've come to expect from Just Plain Stupid.

And now, for no reason I can think of - The Llama Song

In Support of Foo

 

Does it surprise you to hear that I’m dyslexic? Back in my father’s day, you had two kinds of children, those with polio, and those without. In my childhood polio was gone so we searched for other crippling diseases for children and discovered dyslexia. Nowadays we’ve gone overboard. We have dyslexia, autism, peanut allergy, IBS, ADD, and a wide variety of other maladies and phobias to choose from. We used to fear being different. Now we can’t handle being the same. Any kid without at least 2 crippling issues might be suffering from ENS (Excessive Normality Syndrome.)

None of this has anything to do with Foo. I only mentioned the dyslexia, because my personal not-so-crippling disease was my doorway to Foo.

What is Foo? Foo is the answer to one of the stupidest inconsistencies of the English language. If we want to abbreviate yes and no, we use Y & N. If we want to abbreviate true and false, we use T & F. Everybody knows what we’re talking about.

How do we abbreviate on and off? What kind of idiotic seventh century Middle English philologist came up with the idea of having on and off start with the same letter? Whoever it was didn’t foresee light and power switches becoming integral parts of our daily existence. Those of us who receive excessive AARP junk mail can’t read the tiny letters on the switches. A large O or F we might see.

Recently I’ve noted the abbreviations O and – to designate on and off. What does that mean? Both words begin with O and neither has an – in it.

Foo is the answer. Foo is similar enough to off that the constantly evolving English language will adapt to it in no time (dyslexics might not even notice the difference.) We obviously can’t reverse on because not only is no already a commonly used word, but because no more easily associates with off than on.

Foo is the beginning of relatively few words, food, foot, fool, none of which are antithetical to off. When you attempt to fool someone, aren’t you trying to throw them off?

In the case of a certain bunny-knock them off

It’s a good fit.

What about ffo. While it’s true that ffo has greater similarity to off, do you really want to pronounce that? Unless you’re Bavarian, or grew up stuttering, it’s difficult to say ffo without an offensive (fooensive?) spray of saliva.

"Honey, turn ffo the lights and come to bed."

You think a little spittle on your lover’s face is going to help you get lucky?

Nah, Foo is better. The fooshoot? Do not fooer foo-color or foohand foolishness to fooicious fooicers, lest you fooend.

I like the sound of it; let’s get started. You grab a dictionary; I’ll get the white-out.

Signing Foo.