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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Annoying Things

“It’s the cucumbers! Ha-ha-ha!!!”
Get it? I don’t either. I got so tired of thinking up (and forgetting) funny stuff when I was just dropping off to sleep that I finally broke down and put a pen and paper by my pallet. So… according to my semi-conscious self, the humor of cucumbers (like inalienable rights) should be self-evident.
I’m beginning to think that the reason my semi-conscious self never got promoted to fully-conscious status is that he’s an idiot.
And annoying.
When you get down to it - it’s not the plane crashes, heart attacks, Ebola, and poisonous cobras that get in the way of enjoying life for most of us. It’s the little things – such as...
Gnats, mosquitoes, cockroaches, spider webs you walk through, horseflies, houseflies, tiny ants, no-see-ums, ticks, bugs of any description that – get in your bed, get in your food, fly in your mouth, eat holes in your clothes, have hundreds of babies, become parasites, bite, sting, wriggle under your clothes, buzz (especially at night when you’re in bed.)
Non-Life-Threatening Health Stuff
Hiccups, cramps (both muscle and that ‘other’ kind,) presbyopia, tinnitus, gas, B.O.,
Reality TV, rap, country, award shows, PBS programs that have 3 minutes of non-commercials for large corporations before they guilt you for money for their commercial-free broadcasting,
Commercials that honk, buzz, ring like a telephone, scream, repeat several times in one show, are twice as loud as the program you’re watching/listening to, feature people that sound stupid, pushy, arrogant, like they never learned how to speak, bathe, dress, relate to adults.
And the following performers – Diane Keaton, Ben Stiller, Queen Latifa, Sharon Stone, Jim Belushi, Glen Close, Chris Tucker, and Nicolas Cage. They should spend the next 20 years making a 250 hour monster movie and title it: A Movie You Need to Miss.
Interaction with People
People that – hack, sniffle, get too close, speak too loud, speak too softly, speak with an artificial accent, speak with food in their mouths, tilt their heads back so you have to look up their nose, or hunch over so you have to look at their dirty hair. People that stare at your – crotch, chest, pimple, birthmark, thinning hair, or at a point in space approximately three inches from your head.
Products that advertise themselves as new and improved when the change is that they are more expensive and in smaller packaging. Food products that look, or smell so good that you buy them and they taste horrid. Then you forget a few months later and buy them again. Products with fancy European-sounding names that are made in chemical plants in New Jersey.
Bottled tap water that costs two dollars and tastes like plastic.
Computer operating systems that know better than you, and randomly open aps while you’re writing your blog. Pop-up ads that require a dialog box to close. When you hit that it’s okay to close the ad – are you also agreeing to let them download more pop-up ads?
A neighbor’s celebration of their obnoxious child graduating 3rd grade (and they expect you to congratulate the brat and bring a gift.) A waiting room where the only seat is between a political or religious zealot and a screaming toddler. A waiting room where they have interesting magazines, but also a TV blaring reruns of Maude so loudly that you can’t concentrate on what you’re reading.
Any situation involving reruns of Maude.
Deceivingly bright sunshine that warms the area around your front door, so you leave your home in a tee shirt and freeze for the rest of the day.
Sleet. Sleet has no redeeming qualities. I have yet to meet a sleet enthusiast.
And Finally…

Long lists of annoying things.

Here's a little kid learning all about annoying - Dad's no help either.