H: “Hello, my name is Headley and I try to speak the
English well…ly.”
G-Ns: “Improper use of a suffix, Headley.”
H: “This is why Grammar Nazis Anonymous was such a poor
idea.”
G-Ns: “Bad idea, Headley.”
H: “As are most ideas of mine.”
Some people are surrounded by the flatulent, or party animals, or
Country Music fans. I admit that these are bad things, but I think I
might be willing to trade. I’ve always been surrounded by Grammar
Nazis. I’m not one myself – I’m not in favor of National
Socialism in any of its myriad forms, and the sub-category of speech
police (see spelling Nazi, politically correct Nazi, the proper use
of emoticons Nazi, and the texting abbreviation Nazi,) is especially
galling and obnoxious.
Parenthetically (that’s what the parentheses are for) speaking, the
NNIA (Nothing Not In Austen) Nazis, are entertaining to listen to.
They speak nothing except lines from one of Jane Austen’s books.
They’re particularly fun when they argue because they end up
calling each other names like Mister Darcy – not because the person
they are arguing with is named Mister Darcy, but because the line
they use includes Mister Darcy’s name. As I said, they are fun to
listen to… but don’t try saying anything unless you have your
copy of Sense and Sensibility handy.
But to get to the point – I’ve lived my life surrounded by
grammar Nazis which is why I began responding to the question, “How
are you?” with the reply, “I’m evil.”
I was raised to respond, “I am doing well, thank you.” Speaking
in such a manner greatly increases a nine-year-old’s chances to get
beat up (excuse me – beaten up) on a regular basis.
The non-Nazi response to, “How are you?” or How ya doin’?”
is, “Good,” or “I’m good.” While Grammar Nazis will not
beaten (excuse me – beat) you for such an aural (oral?) indiscretion, they
will artfully employ the English lexicon of castigational phraseology
so fully that you’ll wish they just had simply beat (excuse me –
beaten) you with a brick.
“You are not being good when you respond with improper grammar.”
“So I’m being evil? Works for me.”
Of course saying one is evil to the question, “How are you?” is
no more proper grammatically than saying one is good. The difference
is that Grammar Nazis believe you are satirizing the uncouth popular
culture, and so they give you a pass.
But it doesn’t stop there. Tough guys think you’re answering
truthfully and give you a wide berth, Fundamentalists don’t witness
to you (except the Presbyterians who think you know something about
the five points of Calvinism which is almost as entertaining to hear
described as listening to NNIA Nazis argue,) political hacks think
you’re making a societal statement, Vegans think you’re
commenting on humankind, and stupid people laugh uncomfortably
because they figure it must be a joke they don’t get.
I get a lot of uncomfortable laughs.
Saying, “I’m evil,” has worked so well for me that I’m
starting to hear other people use it – even people I don’t know.
I figure that a hundred years from now, saying, “I’m evil,”
will become so popular that there will be a special speech Nazi group
formed to eradicate it and beaten (excuse me – beat) people with
castigational phraseology who employ my little reply.
Then some clever person will try out the response, “I’m good.”
Hey! A video that relates to the subject! It had to happen eventually.
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