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Thursday, October 2, 2014

What Kind of Survey Are You?

A fad? Yeah, I guess it’s a fad. Two or three times a day, I see posts from my friends – particularly Joe in California – What kind of car are you? What sixties song are you? What kind of storm are you? What Star Wars character are you?
I’m that little rolling trash can guy that talks so dirty they have to beep it all out – Really 2 Dirty 2 put in the sound track.
The point of these surveys is so the number-crunching geeks (that inhabit the sub-basements of Madison Avenue Advertising Agencies, and are fed on factory second boxes of Twix candy bars and blu-ray presentations of old Mad Men episodes,) can add more info to our growing on-line dossiers until some future Donald Draper uses the combined information to take over the world with nothing more than a bottle of Paul Newman’s salad dressing (Thousand Island) and a half-eaten bag of Combos.
Of course he doesn’t have to worry about me opposing him. According to the quiz to determine the color of my light saber, I belong to the order of yellow – we hide in corners and pretend that we’re deep undercover. What they don’t say is that our light sabers are yellow because we tend to urinate on everything when we get nervous.
For this reason (and because I don’t want to admit that if I were a car, I’d be a Chevy Vega,) I have begun a policy of selective deception. A question asks me about my personal habits, I no longer look for the most accurate – I look for the most exciting.
As a result, the character I’d be in Monty Python’s Holy Grail, is the Rabbit of Caerbannog (a much more satisfying result – and one that frightens my friends.) I had to fudge about cannibalism, but if I were a rabbit, eating knights wouldn’t be cannibalism, would it?
So yes, in case you’re wondering, I WOULD survive in a horror movie, the animal I was in a previous life was a T-REX, and if I had been at the Alamo, Davy Crockett would STILL BE ALIVE (but really old.)
That’s right – I’m bad - even if I had to lie through my teeth to make it that way. So you Madison Avenue types better fear me – and don’t you dare come near me when you take over the world…

Or I might pee on my light saber.

Being geeky is more active than it was when I was a kid.