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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Headley Who and How

Hauser: A name of German derivation meaning one who provides shelter (house – haus) or protection – an innkeeper
There’s a war among Hausers. It’s the war of Who and How. About half the Hausers in North America (largely in the North,) pronounce their name Howzer. The other half (largely in the South,) pronounce it Whoozer.
Those of you with simpler names like Smith, Jones, and Dostoyevsky might think this is only a matter of preference, of gentle disagreement, at worst, of good natured ribbing.
Nope; it’s war. I’ve stood across a desk from another Hauser (who pronounced it the other way,) and watched him get red in the face and ball his fists. I might have been worried if he hadn’t been built like a skinnier version of Barney Fife.
It’s the unresolved issue of the Civil War. “Alright,” said the Southern Hausers (Whoozers,) “we’ll give up the slaves, accept heavy tariffs on cotton, and recognize the supremacy of the government in Washington…
But we ain’t callin’ ourselves Howzer!”
Andrew Johnson – who didn’t much care about any of Lincoln’s policies, but really liked the White House Jacuzzi, shrugged. “Okay, just pass the loofah, will you?”

And so the issue remains unresolved.
The 2.3 dozen of you who’ve seen my unfairly cancelled television show: Headley and the Rug (and Cral) know on which side of the fence I belong.
But I think it’s time to give peace a chance.
Hauser Peace
by Headley Hauser

I don’t know who
And I don’t know how
Us Hausers came
To fight and row
(row is pronounced the Northern way)

A Hauser houses
Or else protects
And keeps his beds
Free of insects

He sits his house
At the crossroad
So that the traveler
Can drop his load

A peaceful sort
Down to the core
Cause Germans never
Go to war

And so for PEACE
To all, I cry
I’ll pronounce my name
Not Who
Nor How…

But Why.

So, if anyone asks you what blogs you read, and you feel like admitting that you read this one – tell them you read, Just Plain Stupid by Headley Hauser – pronounced Whyzer.

Just don’t confuse that with Wiser.

Here's a truly wise commercial