Headley Who and How

Hauser: A name of German derivation meaning one who provides shelter (house – haus) or protection – an innkeeper

There’s a war among Hausers. It’s the war of Who and How. About half the Hausers in North America (largely in the North,) pronounce their name Howzer. The other half (largely in the South,) pronounce it Whoozer.

Those of you with simpler names like Smith, Jones, and Dostoyevsky might think this is only a matter of preference, of gentle disagreement, at worst, of good natured ribbing.

Nope; it’s war. I’ve stood across a desk from another Hauser (who pronounced it the other way,) and watched him get red in the face and ball his fists. I might have been worried if he hadn’t been built like a skinnier version of Barney Fife.

It’s the unresolved issue of the Civil War. “Alright,” said the Southern Hausers (Whoozers,) “we’ll give up the slaves, accept heavy tariffs on cotton, and recognize the supremacy of the government in Washington…

But we ain’t callin’ ourselves Howzer!”

Andrew Johnson – who didn’t much care about any of Lincoln’s policies, but really liked the White House Jacuzzi, shrugged. “Okay, just pass the loofah, will you?”

And so the issue remains unresolved.

The 2.3 dozen of you who’ve seen my unfairly cancelled television show: Headley and the Rug (and Cral) know on which side of the fence I belong.

But I think it’s time to give peace a chance.

Hauser Peace

by Headley Hauser

I don’t know who

And I don’t know how

Us Hausers came

To fight and row

(row is pronounced the Northern way)

A Hauser houses

Or else protects

And keeps his beds

Free of insects

He sits his house

At the crossroad

So that the traveler

Can drop his load

A peaceful sort

Down to the core

Cause Germans never

Go to war

And so for PEACE

To all, I cry

I’ll pronounce my name

Not Who

Nor How…

But Why.

So, if anyone asks you what blogs you read, and you feel like admitting that you read this one – tell them you read, Just Plain Stupid by Headley Hauser – pronounced Whyzer.

Just don’t confuse that with Wiser.

Here's a truly wise commercial