Growing
up in the sixties, I didn't question Super Market music. It would
be Lerner and Loewe or Mantovani. The complexities of life distilled
to the basic questions: pot roast or chicken for dinner, should I
chance the brand X creamed corn or stick with Del Monte? The music
was never loud enough to drown out the squeaky wheel on the shopping
cart or the fussy baby in the next aisle. The music was there to
turn off your brain so you didn't really care about anything else.
If you got to the store near closing time, you got Benny Goodman or
Rimsky-Korsakov. It still turned off your brain but it made you push
the cart faster.
It
came as quite a shock the first time I heard Lennon and McCartney
over those speakers. It was Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s
Club Band but something had changed. It sounded like it was being
played by a real lonely heart’s club. The life was gone. They’d
found a way to sap rock and make it as bland as Benny Goodman – at
least as I knew Benny Goodman.
Then I listened to actual Benny
Goodman records. He wasn’t bland either! Those speakers made him
sound bland or, more accurately, the magicians at Muzak made him
bland.
Mind
control for elevators and shopping venues. For someone who spent two
hours trying to hypnotize his poodle by rocking a metal washer on a
string, this was the kind of power I could appreciate. So for twenty
years now, I've been waiting for Muzak’s greatest challenge:
Muzak rap.
I'm here with the homies down in the hood
Sitting
with a ‘ho but we think she’s good
Breathin’
in the smog but we’re glad we’re alive
And
franks and beans are on sale in aisle five
Sing
it quiet quiet quiet
Sing
it quiet quiet quiet
Yo
being in the city ain’t all crime and drugs
Cause
even when you’re dealin’ you make time for hugs
We
run from the man don’t want to sit in county
When
the crib gets dusty we use the Pledge and the Bounty
Bounty
buy it buy it buy it
Bounty
buy it buy it buy it
The
cops in this cow town are always disrespectin’
We’re
barely out of lock-up when they’re out re-arrestin’
And
just when we think that life has lost its savor
Mountain
Dew comes comes and breaks out a brand new flavor
New
flavor try it try it try it
New
flavor try it try it try it
Everything
that they give us is full of venom and hate
They
think they can own us but we don’t take the master’s bait
There
are times that every white guy I’d like to go slay
But
I just can’t stay mad at you – have a nice day
Maybe if would look better if I had this guy in the background.
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