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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Lies

I once heard a story about Mark Twain when he was approached by the fledgling Nobel Prize committee to make a brief presentation about his new novel, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.
I fear I cannot,” he’s reported to have said. “I wear boxers.”
Of course this story is a lie. Pliable women from his era assured historians that Twain regularly went commando.
One of the great things about writing fiction, is that you don’t have to worry about things like integrity, honesty, reliability.
Fiction writers lie. The good ones lie professionally. You can say whatever you please about Mark Twain, or the queen… for instance.
The office of the privy seal is the most important office to the queen – especially after she’s had red sauce which tends to move through the royal digestive system like a freight train.
We are most pleased to find the privy unsealed expeditiously,” says Her Majesty.
Her ladies-in-waiting – some standing in line with their knees tightly clenched - agree.
Her Royal Highness isn’t going to quibble if I misquote her, or get some of the facts wrong – after all, I write fiction!
Iconic golfer Walter Hagan frequently wore mismatched socks, hoping that someone would ask him why. When someone took the bait, he told them, “Because I got a hole in one.”
Jokes were considered a recyclable commodity in the old days of golf. By the way, if you want to know more lies about Walter Hagan, his ghost is a character in Genre book #2, Volition Man (available as an e-book on Amazon someday soon – I hope.)
Also figuring prominently in Volition Man are two tee-shirts. One shirt honors World War 2 general and President Dwight Eisenhower. The other shirt depicts the Kool-Aid pitcher guy.
Now President Eisenhower, the Kool-Aid pitcher guy and Walter Hagan were playing golf. Hagan and the President were both skilled linksters but the Kool-Aid pitcher guy had never played before, so as they stood at the first tee, he asked, “What am I supposed to do?”
Hagan pointed to the first green. “You see that flag?”
Yes,” said the Kool-Aid guy.
Hit the ball as close as you can to that flag.”
Okay,” said the Kool-Aid guy, and hit the ball straight and true – landing only an inch from the hole.
Wowzers!” said the President.
Glad we didn’t bet,” said Hagan.
The three players worked their way through the hole, the President finishing with a par 4 and Hagan with a birdie 3. The Kool-Aid guy looked down on his ball still lying 1 - an inch from the hole. “What do I do now?” he asked.
You hit it in the hole,” said Hagan.
The Kool-Aid guy got so angry he got red in the face – except nobody noticed because he was Cherry Kool-Aid and started out red in the face.
Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place!”
I won’t tell you if that last story is a lie or not. Generally, it’s probably a good idea not to rely on anything you read in this post – and having said that…
I want to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have read Just Plain Stupid for the last year. I have found this occupation rewarding enough that I don’t care that it hasn’t made me any money, or that Go Figure Reads still hasn’t published anything I’ve written other than Trouble in Taos which is selling like
Chryslers in Tokyo.

There’s something you can depend on.
Sorry - no vid today - internet problems... HONEST!