200 Reasons I’m Still Just Plain Stupid

Those of you keeping track, (or those that can do the quick math from the column on the right,) are aware that this is the 200^th blog post for Just Plain Stupid. 200 useless amalgamations of pixels spit up on the digital cosmos.

I couldn’t have done it without you. So let’s get sentimental and cheesy before the NSA, Vladimir Putin, ISIS, the Disney Corporation, or Starbucks shuts this blog down.

Among all the garbage I've spewed in the last two years, a few slimy nuggets have clung to a surprising number of computers and phones across the globe. My series of creepy things has had several hundred hits, particularly the ones about Diane Keaton

Creepy Things Part 1 – Diane Keaton

 and Neil Diamond.

What is Creepy Part 3: Sweet Caroline

 Surprisingly popular was the case I made to change the word ‘off’ to ‘foo,’

In Support of Foo

 though I suspect that most of the hits were by disappointed fans of Foo Fighters. Excerpts from Trouble in Taos

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

have gathered thousands of reads, though sadly not as many sales on Amazon.  Even less success with Volition Man.

Volition Man Chapter L Dirgan Falls Asleep

But the Big Kahuna of all my posts has been Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie.

Basketball, BWG, but no Little Debbie Twinkie

 Almost half of all the hits this blog has received were on that post. Did ESPN think I was really talking sports and link it? Did the Lawyers of Little Debbie hope to bring a service denial shut down of blogspot?

I like to think it was the parody of Little Debbie done to the tune of the Candyman. Parodies frequently do well on this blog, like the parody of Starbucks to the tune of Downtown,

Going After Starbucks

 the one of Gandhi to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,

Gandhi link

 or the medley of Christmas Carol parodies in 

Modern Single Holiday

Not all parodies prosper. 

In Memory Tom Magliozzi

 My tribute to the Car Talk guys to the tune of Under the Boardwalk, 

My Little Loose Glute

My Little Loose Glute parodying my fitness struggles to the tune of Little Deuce Coup,

Ballad of Gypsy's Clean Floor

 and The Ballad of Gypsy’s Clean Floor to the tune of the Theme to Gilligan’s Island never got much interest.

Go Figure.

Come to think of it, posts that fail have been much more common than those that succeed. Even some posts that I thought deserved better like,

The Bear Is Back

The Bear is Back,

Headley Who and How

Headley Who and How,

Annoying Things

Annoying Things,

Helix (the Cat)

Helix (the Cat), and poor little

O - I'll just have...

  O – I’ll Just Have that garnered only 4 hits.

Of course Stanley McFarland’s guest post, Truly

Truly

also got only 4 hits, but I think we can understand why on that one. He’s still trying to get me to post his poem, Garumplephink, but so far I think I've spared you that indignity (though it’s getting hard to keep track of which indignities I’ve foisted upon you and which I haven’t.)

So this is the point where I should make a commitment to give you even better, high quality entertainment in the year to come – to create (and steal) the most fascinating and hysterical content for your blog viewing pleasure.

Not gonna happen. But for the moment, I will continue to throw gobbets of my imagination into our increasingly disgusting cyberspace in an attempt to sell my pathetic novels and live comfortably with a reliable supply of Pop Tarts.

Because that’s what you've come to expect from Just Plain Stupid.

And now, for no reason I can think of - The Llama Song

Annoying Things

“It’s the cucumbers! Ha-ha-ha!!!”

Get it? I don’t either. I got so tired of thinking up (and forgetting) funny stuff when I was just dropping off to sleep that I finally broke down and put a pen and paper by my pallet. So… according to my semi-conscious self, the humor of cucumbers (like inalienable rights) should be self-evident.

I’m beginning to think that the reason my semi-conscious self never got promoted to fully-conscious status is that he’s an idiot.

And annoying.

When you get down to it - it’s not the plane crashes, heart attacks, Ebola, and poisonous cobras that get in the way of enjoying life for most of us. It’s the little things – such as...

Insects

Gnats, mosquitoes, cockroaches, spider webs you walk through, horseflies, houseflies, tiny ants, no-see-ums, ticks, bugs of any description that – get in your bed, get in your food, fly in your mouth, eat holes in your clothes, have hundreds of babies, become parasites, bite, sting, wriggle under your clothes, buzz (especially at night when you’re in bed.)

Non-Life-Threatening Health Stuff

Hiccups, cramps (both muscle and that ‘other’ kind,) presbyopia, tinnitus, gas, B.O.,

Entertainment

Reality TV, rap, country, award shows, PBS programs that have 3 minutes of non-commercials for large corporations before they guilt you for money for their commercial-free broadcasting,

Commercials that honk, buzz, ring like a telephone, scream, repeat several times in one show, are twice as loud as the program you’re watching/listening to, feature people that sound stupid, pushy, arrogant, like they never learned how to speak, bathe, dress, relate to adults.

And the following performers – Diane Keaton, Ben Stiller, Queen Latifa, Sharon Stone, Jim Belushi, Glen Close, Chris Tucker, and Nicolas Cage. They should spend the next 20 years making a 250 hour monster movie and title it: A Movie You Need to Miss.

Interaction with People

People that – hack, sniffle, get too close, speak too loud, speak too softly, speak with an artificial accent, speak with food in their mouths, tilt their heads back so you have to look up their nose, or hunch over so you have to look at their dirty hair. People that stare at your – crotch, chest, pimple, birthmark, thinning hair, or at a point in space approximately three inches from your head.

Products

Products that advertise themselves as new and improved when the change is that they are more expensive and in smaller packaging. Food products that look, or smell so good that you buy them and they taste horrid. Then you forget a few months later and buy them again. Products with fancy European-sounding names that are made in chemical plants in New Jersey.

Bottled tap water that costs two dollars and tastes like plastic.

Computer operating systems that know better than you, and randomly open aps while you’re writing your blog. Pop-up ads that require a dialog box to close. When you hit that it’s okay to close the ad – are you also agreeing to let them download more pop-up ads?

Situations

Weddings.

A neighbor’s celebration of their obnoxious child graduating 3^rd grade (and they expect you to congratulate the brat and bring a gift.) A waiting room where the only seat is between a political or religious zealot and a screaming toddler. A waiting room where they have interesting magazines, but also a TV blaring reruns of Maude so loudly that you can’t concentrate on what you’re reading.

Any situation involving reruns of Maude.

Weather

Deceivingly bright sunshine that warms the area around your front door, so you leave your home in a tee shirt and freeze for the rest of the day.

Sleet. Sleet has no redeeming qualities. I have yet to meet a sleet enthusiast.

And Finally…

Long lists of annoying things.

Sorry

Here's a little kid learning all about annoying - Dad's no help either.