Mail Call

April 25, 2013

Mail’s in. Letters and notes (real or imagined,) have flooded into my inbox in recent weeks. Well, flooded might not be the right term, but the heel of my left shoe got wet somehow, and not just because I was standing near the bus station urinals. Of course, I’m going to have to hide the identity of the senders, ‘cause I can’t afford a lawyer.

Like who can?

These first few are in response to Talking Birds.

Being a talking bird, I am having a hard time identifying with the birds in these jokes - Cornelius Cockatoo, Clifton Park, NY.

You’re a talking bird – cute. What kind of bird is a Cornelius, anyway?

I am saddened and disappointed in the cruel and pointless savagery of America’s greatest intrepid reporter, Geraldo Rivera, in your recent post, Talking Birds. Was this some pointless stunt to get ratings? You would do better to learn from Geraldo’s sterling example. Mr. Rivera has exemplified the pinnacle of courage and professionalism in the field of television journalism for more than a generation (which is amazing because he still looks so incredibly handsome and youthful.) – Gerry Rivers, Fox Studios.

I feel bad. Poor, Geraldo Rivera. All he does is makes huge money doing the kind of television that reduces America’s collective IQ. By the way, “Gerry,” you used example and exemplified in adjoining sentences. You might want to edit that before you go to air.

Headley: You blew the “Bird that Can Talk” joke. If I knew you were going to screw it up, I never would have told you the joke back in ’76. And you wonder why I never return your calls. – Bill W. World Traveler, Earth.

Hi Bill: Sorry about that. Thanks for embarrassing me. If you feel like seeing other planets besides Earth, come by sometime. I just bought a new hammer.

Here’s one I got in response to the post, Heroes Are Special Too.

Dear Headley: Long time no see? Remember me? We went to high school together. Remember how in algebra class, Miss Stricter once made you stand at the board the whole class period until you could show the work on the answers you bought from Bobbie-Jeanne on the only test you passed that year? Remember how you cried and sniffed, till snot ran down your collar?

You remember that, don’t you, Buddy? That was the day that the super-hot foreign exchange babe from Norway said something to you in the lunch room and you were sure she wanted you until we looked up the words in the library and they were, “you’ve got snot on your collar?”

Man that was the best day! Later, at gym, you forgot to leave your underwear on under your gym shorts and Coach Sadist made you climb the rope. Everyone was calling you, Pee Wee the rest of the year (except the people that were calling you, Snotty.)

Wow, it’s great catching up with you, Buddy! I remember that Robin costume hanging in your closet. I always wondered what that was all about. Man, what great memories! We gotta get together some time and relive the old times – Best Friend, Home Town, USA.

Dear Best: You seem to have me confused with someone else. We’ve never met.

Here are two notes I got after Bad Poetry??

I need a tutorial on how to comment at Go Figure Reads. (please.) – Poetry Lady, Winston-Salem, NC.

Dear Poetry - This is why I got that hammer I was talking to Bill W. about. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. The people at Go Figure Reads are too good at ducking.

Did you mean Poisson or was that part of the humor? Historical Editor – the Great Southwest.

Dear Historical – Anything that makes you laugh is absolutely intentional – no matter what anybody (even I (see, I said I even though me sounds more natural) says.)

I have time for one more before my computer reformats the hard drive again (everyone’s a critic.) I’m not sure what post they’re responding to, possibly Gadgets? I’m very excited about this one.

From: Mr. Wong Du

Seoul, South Korea.

I will introduce myself I am Mr. Wong du a Banker working in a bank in south Korea Until now I am the account officer to most of the south Korea government accounts and I have since discovered that most of the account are dormant account with a lot of money in the account on further investigation I found out that one particular account belong to the former president of south Korean MR PARK CHUNG HEE, who ruled south Korean from 1963-1979 and this particular account has a deposit of $48m with no next of kin.

My proposal is that since I am the account officer and the money or the account is dormant and there is no next of kin obviously the account owner the former president of South Korea has died long time ago, that you should provide an account for the money to be transferred.

The money that is floating in the bank right now is $48m and this is what I want to transfer to your account for our mutual benefit.

Please if this is okay by you I will advice that you contact me through my direct email address.

Please this transaction should be kept confidential. For your assistance as the account owner we shall share the money on equal basis.

Your reply will be appreciated,

Thank you.

Wong Du

My ship has come in! My next post will be from my castle in the Bahamas! If they don’t have any, I’ll buy a spare one and ship it over! I KNEW this blogging thing would work out!