Life Hacks - Just Helping Out

 So I got this email from Gerontolia Veija from Granville Ohio:

Dear Headley:

Some kind soul sent me this series of pictures they called Life Hacks. I might not have looked at the pictures at all, but I thought it was a misprint for Hicks, and being raised in the country, I thought it would bring back memories.

I can’t make heads or tails of these pictures. Would you please explain them to me?

I’d be glad to, Gerontolia, let’s look at the first one.

 Hmmm, yes, I can see the confusion here. You see what we have here is a very hard form of cheddar cheese. I’m not talking firm, I’m talking about ‘push the crowns right off your teeth as you chew,’ hard. What our hacker is doing here is a clever form of shiatsu fromage massage. It not only softens the cheese, but it makes it easier coming out the other end (if you know what I mean.)

Next slide please.

 Right – got this one. Some smart phones require not only overnight charging, but overnight soaking – preferably in soy sauce. For safety reasons, you should only soak one end of your phone at a time – repeat – NEVER fully immerse your phone in soy sauce. By wrapping your ear buds around a thimble, they have better body and shine, and the picture of the wrecked fishing boat helps give your phone and buds ambiance.

Next.

 Ah, a little known dancing hack. We've all heard the term, ‘warming up.’ In order to dance better, one must warm one’s feet properly, by donning wool socks in your dancing slippers and then blasting them with your hair dryer. You’ll look like Baryshnikov out there.

Next

 This particular hack is for addiction recovery. The addiction we’re dealing with here is Tic Tac addiction, common among school teachers and state employees. The basil and the nutmeg are for light addictions, the cayenne and hard chili peppers are for a more serious problem.

Next

 This is commonly known as the WTF hack. Many of us have acquaintances that feel free to drop in anytime the feel like it. Even those who tell people to “drop in anytime,” really don’t want people to do that. Mounting this little do-dad, particularly the one that appears to be vomiting a Kleenex, will go a long way to make such annoying people feel less welcome.

Next

 This is our empty nest hack. While most children are more considerate now-a-days, living with Mom and Dad into their fifties, there are still insensitive types that leave at 18 or 19 abandoning parents who still have several “sit up straight,” and “don’t slouch like that,” admonitions ready but still unsaid. This little sponge is willing to soak up all that unused parenting.

So – is that the list, Geronlolia? I’m glad I could be of assistance. Here are a few of my favorite hacks to add to your list.

I wish I could hack this blogging thing as well as this honey badger hacks his enclosure.  Here's the video - 

Wise Readers Wanted

Having battered heads with cranky old Walter Bego for the last few weeks, we've produce the first view-able version of Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. Now we need guinea pi… volunteers.

It’s a common misconception that writing is about writing – blogging is about writing – writing novels (or novellas) is about editing.

The rough draft of a story usually takes me about 6 weeks to do. It’s the most liberating, joyful 6 weeks or my otherwise sullen existence. The mind wanders far afield a bit like Danny Kaye's in Walter Mitty.

If there was a fairy god-mother for writers, she wouldn't wave her wand to give us ideas; she would wave her wand to turn rough drafts into finished copy.

After the rough draft is done (and the writer sobers up,) the draft is place in a drawer (or on a flash drive,) until much of the detail is forgotten (usually due to harassment from bill-collectors.) When it’s been sufficiently forgotten the first of four (yes, I said FOUR) edits is begun. Big changes happen in the first edit – characters change, the plot changes, everything changes except the writer’s clothes and generally poor hygiene as he/she is chained to the typewriter/word processor/desktop/laptop/tablet until the first edit is completed.

The second edit is the consultation edit. Chunks of brilliant manuscript is brutally cut and jettisoned by sadistic people like Walter Bego who scream inane statements like, “it doesn't move the narrative forward!” (whatever that means.)

Once the writer stops bleeding, he seeks out independent feedback – or wise readers. Wise readers are not profession editors – it’s better if they’re not editors or writers at all. All a wise reader needs to be is someone who likes to read, and recognizes when he or she feels annoyed. There are three things that writers do that especially annoy readers:

1: We Bore Them

2: We Confuse Them

3: We Say Stuff That Doesn't Make Sense (my favorite)

Most readers recognize when these things happen, and if they happen often enough, the writer’s proud effort loses its place on the reader’s bookshelf, and finds a new place amongst the emergency TP.

I need 2 more people to tell me when I bore them, confuse them, and when I say stuff that doesn't make sense (my favorite,) in the story – Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother: Book 3 of the Genre Series – The Satire.

As it is a satire, anyone who loves politicians in general (many are skewered,) or John McCain or Al Gore particularly (who I gleefully brutalize,) might not wish to volunteer.

What Does It Pay?!?!?!?!?

(nothing)

But you are thanked officially in digitally pixilated print in the e-book, and I make a reasonable effort not to spell your name wrong.

Such a deal?

When I get the manuscripts back from you I do the third edit based on your wonderful complaints (wound me, beat me, make me feel cheap – please!)

Then GoFigureReads hires a proofreader to catch all the errors – (so you can ignore all the typos, grammatical errors, and misspelled words unless you enjoy that sort of thing,) and I do the final edit.

Finally we have – A Finished Story that you can brag about (or hide from people.) Either way, YOU have become an important part in the writing process!

Sound GLORIOUS to you? Then email me quickly before you come to your senses - gfreads@yahoo.com.