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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Greatest Country in the World


This forth of July, I thought it might be a good time to think about what makes America so great. Sure, you could cop out and talk about veterans, grandparents and puppies, but all countries have those (unless they eat their dogs – then maybe veterans, grandparents and kittens.) What makes us great is that we’re the best in just about everything… in spite of ourselves.

Number 1: Our Food.

Our food is so good – we don’t even need vitamins or minerals in it! We are the home of fizzy drinks like Pepsi and Coke. Perrier? C’mon Frenchies, it’s not even sweet. Put some corn syrup in it! Speaking of fizzy, we even did it with cheese. The Europeans have their flat boring cheese; we puffed ours full of air, salt, and preservatives.
Are there rat droppings in hot dogs? Sure there are – but they’re good American rat droppings from good American rats. That’s why we grill them every forth of July.

We even feel sorry for the rest of the world and send our burger and chicken franchises to culturally deprived places like Paris and Beijing. Heck, we even named our deep-fried cut potatoes after those Paris folk and do they appreciate it – no. We don’t care – pass the pork rinds.

Number II: Our Culture
We have some fine musicians in our country
like Tyler Nail
and Matt Allivato.
 They make good quality music that’s easy on the ear. BUT… our country is so great, we pretty much ignore guys like that. Instead we promote bad poetry put to 30-year-old rhythms and we call it, “fresh,” and we promote failed musicians from other genres who sell out to make imitation country music, and call it, “genuine.”

Yup – we’re that good.

You wanna see a movie? We got both kinds – romantic comedy and superhero.

Our sports are so superior that we changed the name of the most popular sport in the rest of the world to soccer.
And that's not all!

Letter C: Our Government

We got a grand old Constitution! It’s a whizz-banger, and there’s nobody out there that has any better. We have no idea what it says, but our politicians are positively certain the guys with a different designation next to their name are breaking it all the time. Despite the designation, each pol swears with his or her hand on a dark impressive-looking book that they will preserve and defend our constitution.

Sure enough, from what I hear, the Constitution is buried deep below one of our really impressive government buildings, which might be about preserving and defending, or it might be about ignoring, but our white house, congress and supreme court are all agreed to keep it buried deep and out of the way.

It’s good they all have one thing they agree on.

Yup – we promote our least original artists, eat our worst foods, and elect our shiftiest people. It’s just our way of putting one arm behind our back to let the rest of the world catch up.

Imagine how good we’d be if we tried.
By the way… Did you notice on the Junk Drawer blog that all the postings have my name on them? The good folks at Go Figure Reads made my blog first, and now they’re stuck. Tee-hee.