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Monday, October 28, 2013

Interruptions by Imaginary Friends and Oog

For those expecting the fifth installment of chapter 7 (Batwings and Strangers) from Trouble in Taos, I… Well, I guess I don’t really apologize – though that would sound polite; I hate to be disingenuous (and what then does ingenuous mean?)

For those expecting the fifth yada, yada, yada – I don’t care. It’s my blog. I’m still not over being called stupid in its title, and it hasn’t been a great weekend, so learn some patience and stop bothering me. The fifth installment will happen on Thursday, unless I get interrupted again, which I probably will because I just feel contrary right now.

The reason for this interruption (as you probably guessed from the title) has to do with my imaginary friends. Imaginary friends get a bad rap in society. They’re much more loyal than real people, they ask great questions, and they never get on you about the crumbs on your sweater.

My assembly of IFs (I have quite a few,) wanted to know about the first version of Johnny Comes Marching Home alluded to in the forth installment of Batwings and Strangers – or the next blog entry down on your browser – Oog Got Bit by a Dinosaur.

Dutifully, I did extensive imaginary research for my similarly imaginary friends (another thing they don’t get on you about.) I discovered that the Legend of Oog (as it is referred to by imaginary scholars,) has been preserved in two locations: The Puritan Department of Ridiculous Antiquities, and Dominican Archives of the Depravity of Man. The two facilities agree on most details, but differ on the last word.

The PDRA claims the last word in the song is ‘nose.’ Puritans, though happy to burn witches, and slaughter the Irish are squeamish when it comes to rude language.

The DADM claims the last word of the song is, ‘butt.’  Dominicans, though they have a strong scholarly tradition, and great experience torturing Jews and Muslims, have an unfortunate tendency towards euphemism.

So, with a certain level of imaginary confidence, I present to you the imaginary authoritative original words to the first version of any song sung to the tune of Johnny Comes Marching Home.

(Who knew that cave persons sang in English?)

The Legend of Oog

Researched by Headley Hauser

(To the tune of Johnny Comes Marching Home tune)

Oog got bit by a dinosaur

munch-munch -- munch-munch

It’s what you get from a carnivore

It hurts -- a bunch

Should have run; it’s what feet are for

Stead he raised his arms; now they ain’t there no more

And the whole cave’s laughing

Cause now he can’t scratch his ass.

One of the things this imaginary research confirmed was that cave persons were strong on slapstick humor, but not quite as strong on compassion, as the celebrated scholar of antiquities, Mel Brooks illustrated in the following clips.

So… Thursday, I’ll get back to Batwings and Strangers.

Or not.