Here’s
one of my least popular columns from 2002. Lucky you!
Does
it seem strange to you that the things you just can’t live without,
frequently become things it’s hardest to live with? Let’s avoid
talking about people, pets, and foods that give heartburn and
consider things in the home. In every corner, closet and drawer of
your average abode (not to imply that you’re average) there are
gadgets, doodads, memorabilia, and whatnots. Of course there are
other less descriptive names for them, junk, stuff, clutter, yard
sale fodder. Personally, I like to call them figs.
You
have a fruit bowl with oranges, apples, pears, bananas, grapes and
figs. Days later, the grapes, pears, oranges, apples and bananas are
gone and you have left a large bowl only partially filled with….
Yes, you guessed right, Aunt Hortence was right when she told us you
were the bright one in the family.
Now,
when does a fig go bad? These things were made for transporting
across large deserts on the back of a camel;
do you really think
they’re challenged by the air-conditioned comfort that is your
over-large fruit bowl? You could put the figs in a smaller bowl and
store them in the crisper of your refrigerator until a troupe of
hungry Bedouin traders comes to visit. Of course, by storing these
figs in the fridge, you’re making a statement. You’re saying
that you actually want these figs and are taking steps in the care of
them. You are, in a very real sense, making a commitment to the
figs. Is that something you want to do? So you leave these figs in
the overlarge bowl until someone either eats them or it becomes
obvious that they have gone bad enough to justify throwing them out.”
There
is now a ‘black hole’ in your living space. This space may never
again be available to you because it is now the rightful habitation
of an overlarge fruit bowl with 9 or 10 figs in the bottom.
So
a fig, is really anything that clutters the home.
An
insidious fig is the gadget fig. It looked so good on TV! Imagine
if you ever need to poach an egg, while applying wallpaper and
rolling pennies, you have the one gadget that can do it all at once!
The hidden purpose of these figs is to fill the kitchen and workshop
cupboards and workspaces until nothing can be fixed or repaired. I’m
waiting for disclosure that “As seen on TV” is actually a cabal
of home contractors and delivery restaurants.
The
nagging fig is the whatnot that might be useful someday. The box and
packing your computer, stereo, air conditioner and K-Tel poach, hang
and roll came in. Then there are those three extra screws that came
with your build-it-yourself entertainment center and the fifty-seven
loose attachments that came with your flo-bee that you never use.
The
ultimate figs fit in the memorabilia category. That bowling trophy
you worked so hard to earn and were so proud to get and thrilled to
display… for a day or two. Slowly, you realize how hideous it
truly is. You put it in a spare bedroom or an office thinking that
you’ll enjoy looking at it there.
Every time you see1 it, you
realize that you can never have a guest stay over in your home
because they’ll see how your bowling trophy makes your spare
bedroom junky. Perhaps you put it in a box with many other figs
(baby shoes, yearbooks, old letters) and place the box in your attic
or garage. Of course, this virtually guarantees that you will never
be able to move no matter how much you come to hate your house, job
or neighborhood. You are entirely and completely figundated.
Finally,
there’s the stealth fig, the most evil and useless of all figs.
The stealth fig has no value, use or purpose. It mixes in with
nagging, insidious, and ultimate figs and steals your storage space
by mastering the art of camouflage. Stealth figs are broken gadgets,
packing slips and indefinable oddments (What is that thing? I don’t
know, better save it, we might need it someday) that secretly have
developed into sentient creatures. They practice a mind control
that only Martha Stewart, Jack LaLane, and Leona Helmsey can resist.
You never actually hear them speak but you always hear the message.
“Don’t
throw out those ticket stubs to ‘Any Which Way You Can!’ Yes the
movie lacked that certain ‘je ne sais qua’ but it was your first
date with ___ ___ ___ and if you see her again at some class reunion,
she might ask you if you have them.”
What’s that you say? You don’t hear
those voices? No, of course not, I don’t hear them either! Here,
let me clear a space so you can sit down.
Quick!
a video! Something funny, stat!
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