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Friday, April 15, 2016

Dirk Destroyer Part 29 Chapter 13


After a rude interruption, we return to Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. I should note for those who read last Friday’s post that I hold no animosity or blame for Judy Oregano who labored hard to make this a better story. As a matter of fact, I’m grateful to her.
My feelings about Walter Bego may differ.
Anyway, back to Elmer and the Fellowship of the Bring.

Chapter 13
Grand Prize Give-Away!

Tease skipped off somewhere – probably to the showers, and the rest of us clambered out of the cave, because we couldn’t figure out a way to get out without clambering. I’m not usually in favor of clambering when climbing, or slipping, or jumping will do, but there are times in people’s lives – especially people who live eight thousand years, when only clambering will get the job done.
So we clambered until we were out of the cave. Then we stopped clambering, and I hoped there’d be no need to clamber again in the near future.
“I don’t much like clambering,” said Mage-e-not.
I had to agree.
“Little help,” sang Lustavious in a voice less full and buoyant than normal. Though the Light Bringer had managed to clamber admirably, he had done it one-armed as his non-clambering arm was still pointing up with a two-inch flame burning at the end its index finger.
Ono and I helped ease his arm down while Mage-e-not extinguished the flaming finger.
“Wow,” said Mage-e-not, “your whole hand is hot.”
“That’s why I stopped hiring out for parties,” said Lustavious who then crumpled down to the ground, as crumpling seemed to be the proper act for someone so exhausted…
Never mind about the appropriateness of his crumpling or of his earlier one-armed clambering - he ended up on the ground, and was asleep in moments.
“He’s snoring,” said Ono, “I’ll peep for splish, splash, splosh.”
Forty-nine point seven percent of me demanded that I volunteer to go with her, but the remaining fifty point six percent (some voter irregularities occur in every election,) decided that I would be pushing my luck. Jonma Claim and Jonma Carry walked off discussing something called senate procedures.
I looked around for All Bore. He was still in the cave looking out balefully. “I will continue my crusade to save the planet,” he said.
“You’re going to do it in there?” I asked.
“Too many honey bees out in the sunlight,” he replied.
I almost said that I was sad to see him go, but the same fifty point six percent of me which had shown such disappointing discretion in the matter of Ono and her shower, showed less disappointing discretion in keeping me from saying anything that might keep All Bore hanging around.
After an awkward silence, he turned around and stepped deeper into the earth.
“So,” said Mage-e-not, who was now my only conscious companion, “any more of those little sausages?”
“No,” I said. “But if we can find a stream I can make you an algae bar.”
Mage-e-not made a face that would have looked better if it had been invisible. “Any other ideas?”
“Ideas?”
“Ono said you got the sausages supernaturally. Maybe you could go back to the supernaturalmarket and get more?”
“That’s possible,” I said, “but I’ll need my bag.”
“I don’t like being shirtless,” said Mage-e-not.
“It’s no thrill for any of us,” I said, “but do you prefer being hungry? Then again, the algae bar offer still stands.”
Mage-e-not muttered something as he removed his shirt. Perhaps as a reflex, his head disappeared. It was a shame the rest of his body was still visible.
I smiled as I considered two possibilities. Maybe the cigars I sacrificed were still lying where I left them. Maybe I could find matches. I blessed my ancient, but still intact male insecurities as I dissolved myself into the school of amazing stuff.


So that’s the end of Chapter 13. For those of you wondering why this chapter was entitled, Grand Prize Give-Away, you can blame Walter Bego for the lack of any explanation.


Elmer isn't the only one of two minds,