Elmer Destroyer and the lovely Ono are trapped in a cave with several people they don’t like much including the loquacious All Bore. A lot of other stuff has happened, but you’ll have to look at the preceding posts to find out what.
Escape From a Boring Death
Ono saved some sausages for Mage-e-not and Lip Ton Tease, which was nice of her, because I could tell she was still hungry, and that she really liked sausage, which made me feel strangely happy.
I don’t know why she didn’t offer any to the others, but I was glad that dirty old All Bore didn’t get any. He probably wouldn’t stop talking to eat anyway. He was saying something about an erector college, whatever that was. It was something he didn’t like, which made me all for it.
“Gee,” said Mage-e-not, “I wish Jonma Carry didn’t have to stop digging.”
“I didn’t have to stop,” said Jonma Carry.
“Why no scrape, pluck, plop, Jon?” asked Ono.
“All Bore told me to stop.”
“Well,” said All Bore, “it’s almost evening now, and it will get dark in the cave quicker than it will outside. As we have all night, I’ll describe to you how that is just another piece of clear evidence of global swarming. That will keep us all entertained till morning.”
“What do you say, Lustavious?” I asked.
“Do we need sunlight?”
“Oh,” said Lustavious, shaking himself out of a stupor. “My goodness,” he sang. “We do not need sunlight indeed!” He held up his finger and a light sprung forth. “This little light of mine…” he sang. He never sounded better. He even let Ono and me light cigars to spread the light further.
“Slash, rustle, whoosh, Jon,” said Ono.
“Dig!” said everyone but All Bore.
And greatly did the dirt whoosh, and also plop – much of it on All Bore, which made the rest of us laugh heartily except for Jonma Claim who appeared to be himself and not Uriculous at the moment. He muttered something about the dignity of the office, but it didn’t sound interesting enough to follow.
All Bore droned something about the future of the planet when he wasn’t spitting out mouthfuls of the very same planet he was droning about.
But Swampy still protected Ono, and Mage-e-not finally wised up and hid behind her. Lip Ton Tease, though unshowered, was still able to dance through the storm smirch-free, which left all the mud for Lustavious, Jonma Claim, All Bore, and at one juncture, Akwar, who thankfully disappeared without saying anything. Dirt hit me, but I managed to stay clean by using one of the few tricks I knew from the school of amazing stuff.
You might think smoking cigars with Ono and seeing massive dirt clods hitting people I didn’t like would never get old, but as sports go, it wasn’t jousting. I found myself sneaking off to the nurse’s office in the school of amazing stuff, and shifting time into fast forward. After more than an hour of this – eleven hours in real time, a strange black sign covered my vision with a warning from something called the FBI informing me that the program was for home use only and that any reproduction or rebroadcast would leave me liable for a large amount of currency. I had no idea what that meant, though I suspected – as money was involved – that All Bore might have something to do with it.
I switched back to real time just as Jonma Carry broke through to the surface. Lip Ton Tease went out to scout the area. We all stood there looking at each other and I considered going back to the nurse’s office to fast-forward through this part, when Tease returned.
“There are sheep,” he said. “But they are acting normally.”
“That’s a relief,” said Lustavious.
“And,” said Tease as dramatically as his monkish composure could manage, “there are showers.”
I’d like to say that next week installment will be above ground and above board, but Walter Bego asked for next week’s post to talk about editing Dirk Destroyer.
I really don’t like that guy.
Sure, he died almost 20 years ago - but should a little thing like that disqualify a candidate?