Dirk Destroyer Part 35 Chapter 17

Any similarity of the characters to persons (or jerks,) living or dead is protected by some lawyer stuff somebody told me about one time.

Chapter 17

The Speaker Monster

I must have slept because waking up was not pleasant. My eyes had reacted to something in the air, and were swollen and gunked up. Dirk, who never had that problem, told me that it was a system in my body that thought I was under attack from pollen, or dust. All I needed to do was flip my inner switch and it would go away. Unfortunately, he couldn’t take me into my area of switches the way he could take me to the school of amazing stuff.

I picked off the piles of gunk and hoped I didn’t look as bad as Mage-e-not. The paste that never came completely out of his shirt, had now plastered it to his body. Form-fitting was not a good look for Mage-e-not.

Lip Ton Tease, dripping and radiant, looked at each of us back and forth. “Showers,” he said, pointing in a more precise way than non-monks pointed. The point was so precise, that for a moment, I thought I saw a red dotted line form across the landscape. I wiped my eyes and looked again. It was gone.

“I prefer baths,” said Mage-e-not.

But we figured the monk was probably right – a shower would make life much better for us and the people we traveled with. We trundled off to where Tease had pointed so precisely. We trundled there because Mage-e-not and I shared the joy of trundling, just as we disliked clambering. I realized that Mage-e-not was becoming a friend.

Maybe a shower would wash that away.

The showers were impressive. A line of personal-sized waterfalls fell from forty feet above. Carved in stone above each fall were symbols which on reflection became words in my mind, “freezing, cold, cool, tepid, warm, hot, scalding,” and “are you kidding?”

“Are those words?” asked Mage-e-not.

“No,” I said. “They’re >#@%*’s.”

“Of course,” said Mage-e-not. “How do you spell that?”

“Exactly,” said a Showr Rinn master we had not noticed till that moment. “Contemplate that while under the waters, and you will reach enlightenment.” He produced a loofah and broke it in three sections with one hand. With the other hand he rebound and braided the seven cords of his braids with two fingers while healing the wings of a wounded butterfly with two others.

His thumb just sat and contemplated the experience.

The monk gave a section of loofah to Mage-e-not and another to me.

I was about to thank him, but he had left or was no longer visible. In my hand was a full sized loofah.

“Wish I could do that,” said Mage-e-not.

“Maybe you should join the Showr Rinn.”

“Nah, I like baths.”

Mage-e-not took two steps toward the tepid shower, and I was contemplating the scalding when I saw the naked form of Akwar showering beneath it.

There’s got to be a switch in my head to erase that.

That’s when we saw the speaking pair.

I had heard of the speaking pair, but hadn’t run across them before. At first glance they appeared to be two beings, the first a salamander-like creature with a long tail. The second being was a man of sorts, immediately behind the salamander and with a bright orange face.

“I don’t want to go to the ‘are you kidding’ shower, said the man with the orange face. I would like to go to the tepid shower.

The salamander flamed, and it became clear how the man acquired his orange face.

“Look,” said the orange-faced man, “I’m very important. I’m more important than you are now. You haven’t been speaking for years.”

The salamander just flamed again.

The man reeled, and the pair nearly knocked over Mage-e-not.

“What’s the problem?” said Mage-e-not.

“Grinchking here wants to use the ‘are you kidding,’ shower, but it’s too hot for me,” Said the orange-faced man.

“I know you,” said Mage-e-not. “You’re Jonma Burner.”

“That’s me,” said Jonma Burner. “I’m very important. I’m much more important than Grinchking.”

Predictably, the lizard flamed again.

“So why don’t you each go to the shower you prefer?” asked Mage-e-not.

I knew the answer. The salamander’s tail, though it appeared to be only wrapped around Jonma Burner, actually was connected to the man at the naval. Jonma Burner gave the tail a tug which made his belly bulge.

“I could have lived without seeing that,” said Mage-e-not.

“It’s only temporary,” said Jonma Burner. “As soon as he becomes completely irrelevant, I’ll be able to stand on my own. Then you’ll hear some powerfully moderate middle-of-the-roading that will get me fire from both sides – not just his backside.”

“Good luck with that,” said Mage-e-not.

The lizard dragged the Jonma off towards the ‘are you kidding’ shower, and the thought of Akwar made me abandon any thought of scalding and settle for the warm shower next to Mage-e-not’s tepid. “There seem to be a lot of Jonmas around,” I said.

“Yeah,” said Mage-e-not. “We’re close to the Ton That Needs Washing where all the dirty politics happens. Politics produces Jonmas, or attracts the ones that are already produced. I haven’t figured out which.

“Loofas are great, though,” he said.

I had to agree.

I came out of the shower feeling much better, though Mage-e-not and I still seemed to be becoming friends. I guess even showers and loofahs can’t fix everything.

We returned to the campsite and Ono eyed my loofah. I handed it over to her without her even having to ask, and she ran off towards the shower. Lustavious tried to grab Mage-e-not’s loofah, and the little man showed surprising back bone by putting it out of reach. Swampy landed on Mage-e-not’s shoulder, mangling his shirt, though not defecating on it, and nearly pecked Lustavious’ eyes out.

“Pretty bird?” said Mage-e-not uncertainly.

“Yeah, right,” squawked Swampy, and flew off after Ono. Tease, apparently unable to resist a chance at a second shower, grabbed Mage-e-not’s loofah.

While we waited for Ono and Tease to shower, I made algae bars which we covered with the last of the celestial tomato paste. I saved two for Ono and nobody complained. She seemed to be the only one able to enjoy them.

“I wonder what’s on the menu at the school today,” said Mage-e-not.

“I’m not going back.”

“Why not? You even have something to put food in besides my shirt,” he said waving the shiny silver bag which Ono had left behind.

“The custodian banned me.”

“Owww,” said Mage-e-not, “the custodian with his mop of glory! It’s very frightening.”

“You go,” I said.

“I can’t,” he pouted.

“Besides,” I told him. “This whole party is gathered together to banish my brother and me to oblivion. Do you think I should be expected to cater the affair?”

Mage-e-not was silent after that, and I held out hope that a budding friendship that loofah couldn’t crush, might get destroyed by algae bars. I performed a ritual that Dirk told me brought luck, taking my middle finger and laying it across my index finger.

“We’re late getting schtarted,” sputtered Jonma Claim after Ono and Tease returned. “Lesh get moving.”

“Where?” said Mage-e-not.

“Light Bringer?” said Jonma Claim. “Your prey is close. Which way do we go?”

Lustavious looked very pleased and dramatically held his lit finger above his head. It might have been more dramatic after dark, because Lustavious being so tall, and the morning sun so bright, it was hard to tell if the finger was lit at all.

But it was dramatic, and Lustavious was pleased, so that was probably the only thing that really mattered.

“This way!” sang Lustavious, and he began humming a hum that sounded like heavy horses, clad in armor with incredibly large and blond warriors on them. It was a pretty ambitious hum, and Lustavious pulled it off very well.

So we all followed the hum.  

   Whenever we fall into despair concerning the American government, we can always cheer ourselves by listening to the Brits.  Where did they get this crowd - from the lock-up during a soccer (yes, I know you call it football,) match?

Dirk Destroyer Part 29 Chapter 13

After a rude interruption, we return to Dirk Destroyer’s Less Destructive Brother. I should note for those who read last Friday’s post that I hold no animosity or blame for Judy Oregano who labored hard to make this a better story. As a matter of fact, I’m grateful to her.

My feelings about Walter Bego may differ.

Anyway, back to Elmer and the Fellowship of the Bring.

Chapter 13

Grand Prize Give-Away!

Tease skipped off somewhere – probably to the showers, and the rest of us clambered out of the cave, because we couldn’t figure out a way to get out without clambering. I’m not usually in favor of clambering when climbing, or slipping, or jumping will do, but there are times in people’s lives – especially people who live eight thousand years, when only clambering will get the job done.

So we clambered until we were out of the cave. Then we stopped clambering, and I hoped there’d be no need to clamber again in the near future.

“I don’t much like clambering,” said Mage-e-not.

I had to agree.

“Little help,” sang Lustavious in a voice less full and buoyant than normal. Though the Light Bringer had managed to clamber admirably, he had done it one-armed as his non-clambering arm was still pointing up with a two-inch flame burning at the end its index finger.

Ono and I helped ease his arm down while Mage-e-not extinguished the flaming finger.

“Wow,” said Mage-e-not, “your whole hand is hot.”

“That’s why I stopped hiring out for parties,” said Lustavious who then crumpled down to the ground, as crumpling seemed to be the proper act for someone so exhausted…

Never mind about the appropriateness of his crumpling or of his earlier one-armed clambering - he ended up on the ground, and was asleep in moments.

“He’s snoring,” said Ono, “I’ll peep for splish, splash, splosh.”

Forty-nine point seven percent of me demanded that I volunteer to go with her, but the remaining fifty point six percent (some voter irregularities occur in every election,) decided that I would be pushing my luck. Jonma Claim and Jonma Carry walked off discussing something called senate procedures.

I looked around for All Bore. He was still in the cave looking out balefully. “I will continue my crusade to save the planet,” he said.

“You’re going to do it in there?” I asked.

“Too many honey bees out in the sunlight,” he replied.

I almost said that I was sad to see him go, but the same fifty point six percent of me which had shown such disappointing discretion in the matter of Ono and her shower, showed less disappointing discretion in keeping me from saying anything that might keep All Bore hanging around.

After an awkward silence, he turned around and stepped deeper into the earth.

“So,” said Mage-e-not, who was now my only conscious companion, “any more of those little sausages?”

“No,” I said. “But if we can find a stream I can make you an algae bar.”

Mage-e-not made a face that would have looked better if it had been invisible. “Any other ideas?”

“Ideas?”

“Ono said you got the sausages supernaturally. Maybe you could go back to the supernaturalmarket and get more?”

“That’s possible,” I said, “but I’ll need my bag.”

“I don’t like being shirtless,” said Mage-e-not.

“It’s no thrill for any of us,” I said, “but do you prefer being hungry? Then again, the algae bar offer still stands.”

Mage-e-not muttered something as he removed his shirt. Perhaps as a reflex, his head disappeared. It was a shame the rest of his body was still visible.

I smiled as I considered two possibilities. Maybe the cigars I sacrificed were still lying where I left them. Maybe I could find matches. I blessed my ancient, but still intact male insecurities as I dissolved myself into the school of amazing stuff.

So that’s the end of Chapter 13. For those of you wondering why this chapter was entitled, Grand Prize Give-Away, you can blame Walter Bego for the lack of any explanation.

Elmer isn't the only one of two minds,

Dirk Destroyer Part 27 Chapter 12

Elmer Destroyer and the lovely Ono are trapped in a cave with several people they don’t like much including the loquacious All Bore. A lot of other stuff has happened, but you’ll have to look at the preceding posts to find out what.

Chapter 12

Escape From a Boring Death

Ono saved some sausages for Mage-e-not and Lip Ton Tease, which was nice of her, because I could tell she was still hungry, and that she really liked sausage, which made me feel strangely happy.

I don’t know why she didn’t offer any to the others, but I was glad that dirty old All Bore didn’t get any. He probably wouldn’t stop talking to eat anyway. He was saying something about an erector college, whatever that was. It was something he didn’t like, which made me all for it.

“Gee,” said Mage-e-not, “I wish Jonma Carry didn’t have to stop digging.”

“I didn’t have to stop,” said Jonma Carry.

“Why no scrape, pluck, plop, Jon?” asked Ono.

“All Bore told me to stop.”

“Well,” said All Bore, “it’s almost evening now, and it will get dark in the cave quicker than it will outside. As we have all night, I’ll describe to you how that is just another piece of clear evidence of global swarming. That will keep us all entertained till morning.”

“What do you say, Lustavious?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“Do we need sunlight?”

“Oh,” said Lustavious, shaking himself out of a stupor. “My goodness,” he sang. “We do not need sunlight indeed!” He held up his finger and a light sprung forth. “This little light of mine…” he sang. He never sounded better. He even let Ono and me light cigars to spread the light further.

“Slash, rustle, whoosh, Jon,” said Ono.

“You sure?”

“Dig!” said everyone but All Bore.

And greatly did the dirt whoosh, and also plop – much of it on All Bore, which made the rest of us laugh heartily except for Jonma Claim who appeared to be himself and not Uriculous at the moment. He muttered something about the dignity of the office, but it didn’t sound interesting enough to follow.

All Bore droned something about the future of the planet when he wasn’t spitting out mouthfuls of the very same planet he was droning about.

But Swampy still protected Ono, and Mage-e-not finally wised up and hid behind her. Lip Ton Tease, though unshowered, was still able to dance through the storm smirch-free, which left all the mud for Lustavious, Jonma Claim, All Bore, and at one juncture, Akwar, who thankfully disappeared without saying anything. Dirt hit me, but I managed to stay clean by using one of the few tricks I knew from the school of amazing stuff.

You might think smoking cigars with Ono and seeing massive dirt clods hitting people I didn’t like would never get old, but as sports go, it wasn’t jousting. I found myself sneaking off to the nurse’s office in the school of amazing stuff, and shifting time into fast forward. After more than an hour of this – eleven hours in real time, a strange black sign covered my vision with a warning from something called the FBI informing me that the program was for home use only and that any reproduction or rebroadcast would leave me liable for a large amount of currency. I had no idea what that meant, though I suspected – as money was involved – that All Bore might have something to do with it.

I switched back to real time just as Jonma Carry broke through to the surface. Lip Ton Tease went out to scout the area. We all stood there looking at each other and I considered going back to the nurse’s office to fast-forward through this part, when Tease returned.

“There are sheep,” he said. “But they are acting normally.”

“That’s a relief,” said Lustavious.

“And,” said Tease as dramatically as his monkish composure could manage, “there are showers.”

I’d like to say that next week installment will be above ground and above board, but Walter Bego asked for next week’s post to talk about editing Dirk Destroyer.

I really don’t like that guy.

Sure, he died almost 20 years ago - but should a little thing like that disqualify a candidate?