College Football Analysis for the Uninformed Part Two – Fowl Nuts

So, lucky me…

Eleven days ago I guessed, based on a combination of zoology, botany, oceanography, archeology and reversed logic that the Oregon Ducks and Ohio State Buckeyes would advance to the College Football (really mean it division) Championship Game.

In a land full of people so bored that they can’t wait to bet money on groups of strangely clad 18 – 22 year olds beating each other senseless over an inflated leather bladder, this seems to be a big deal. It puts me right up there with Jimmy (the racist) Greek, and Eli, the handicapping ape. It’s quite an honor.

So, Headley, who will win tonight’s game?

I could use the same system I used last time – Ducks eat nuts; nuts do nothing to ducks, 

therefore reverse logic dictates the Buckeyes will win. But if that system worked before, reverse logic dictates it will never work again.

Being athletically ignorant in mind and body, I’ll have to divine the outcome through something I know – past blog posts. Searching my data, I can’t find anything I’ve written about nuts (at least the kind that grow on trees.) I have written something about a duck, back in November of 2013. Here’s the link, or if you prefer – here it is in very tiny print.

Sandy Sue laid an egg every day! Very unusual for a duck. Even more

unusual was the etching and coloring on each egg. Sandy was the daily

mother of great masterpieces.

Tuesday it might be a Van Gogh self portrait, Thursday the unicorn in

captivity, Sunday, the Pieta (a miracle!) each day a different perfect

representation of a fine work of art.

Like most artists, Sandy was frequently misunderstood. Her Warhol

was thought by one park employee to be debris left from someone’s lunch.

Her Newman was mistaken by many to be a simple Easter egg. Sandy would

show no offence, no wounded pride, no artist's pique. She sat in her

little nest by her somewhat scummy duck pond content to create art for

the purest of motives: motherhood.

As time passed, she gained a celebrity among humans rivaled by only

the most accomplished ducks. The "Sandy Sue appreciation society (the

honorable Donald M Fowler, president)" numbered more people than the

entire province of Prince Edward Island. It was inevitable that her

many admirers, seeking a way of showing appreciation for her art, began

to consider her deplorable living conditions.

A magnificent new nest was constructed from the finest silk, with gold

filigree surrounded by tasteful aquatic bric-a-brac. The nest was

placed beside a radiant pool of fresh Evian water. Croutons from the

finest French restaurants were served (a la carte) by children of

impeccable breeding and education. Strains from Handel's water music

caressed her (imperceptible) duck ears.

For three days, Sandy nibbled contentedly and produced an

astoundingly detailed school of Athens as well as two Gauguin (rather

risqué with so many children present). The next day she flew away.

A comprehensive search was initiated by D M Fowler himself. Sandy

Sue was found, chewing on a blade of grass by her tiny nest.

Risking nasty stains on the knees of his seersucker trousers, the honorable

Mr. Fowler approached Sandy.

"We've done all we could imagine to make you comfortable and happy

Sandy Sue. Why is it that you've left such a lovely environment for

this unsanitary little pond in such a tawdry city park."

0val rims of green lined deep pools of thoughtful brown in Sandy's

eyes as she studied her benefactor.

"Quack," she replied.

Well – that clears everything up nicely. Martin Motarola (or whoever that Duck guy they gave the squatting statue to is,) will have a great first chucker, scoring a field goal, a triple, and a hat trick. Just before Tea Interval, the nuts will steal the bacon from the scrum, vault the uneven bars, and let service the golden snitch off the wicket to lead by a free throw.

Ohio State 21 - Oregon 20 Halftime

Once around the clubhouse turn the ducks will triple salchow the coxswain and pull out all the lawn jarts from the head pin as you can plainly see from the poem/story above.

Final Score: Oregon Ducks 47 - Ohio State Buckeyes 28 (assuming the East German judge doesn't penalize them for wardrobe malfunction.)

Gee, I hope I’m wrong – I’m already getting too much scrutiny from Vegas over that Pop Tart crumbs in the roulette wheel incident.

Yeah, it happened a while ago

But if the ghost of Michael has anything to do with it, the Buckeye band might swing the contest.

College Football Analysis for the Uninformed Part One

Memo from the Boss:

Headley – 2014 was too dreadful to be funny and 2015 doesn’t look hopeful. Talk about sports for your New Years post. I know you don’t know anything about the subject, but do the best you can.

Walter Bego – Go Figure Reads

So today begins the playoff for the NCAA college football Bowl Division national championship. This is opposed to the NCAA national championship in their playoff division… and their other playoff divisions. There’s also the NAIA’s playoff division for schools too small to be owned by multi-national corporations, the AARP touch football, run slowly, and try not to break a hip playoff division, and the pros who are different from the college guys because they don’t have to pay someone to write term papers for them.

What do you say we just scrap the NCAA, NAIA, NSA, IRS, AARP and anything else that uses letters to hide their name?

This afternoon we have the Florida State Seminoles against the Oregon Ducks, and then tonight we have the Ohio State Buckeyes against the Alabama Crimson Tide.

What – no SUNY Albany Great Danes?

Let’s forget the Xs and Os (along with the other 24 letters in the alphabet,) and focus on how the mascots would fare against each other.

Game One – Seminoles against Ducks

Seminoles are Native Americans that once wandered the territory we now know as Florida and Georgia. They were nomadic hunters from a number of Native American tribes and were known for their independence and fierceness in combat.

Ducks are waterfowl that can fly and taste really good with Dim Sum.

The Seminoles have sharp spears, and keen hunting skills; the ducks have webbed feet, and look cute when the walk.

Too easy – there has to be a catch here. I better go with the Ducks.

Game Two – Buckeyes against Crimson Tide

      Buckeyes are nuts. Really, they’re nuts that come from trees. They don’t do anything except provide ammo for nasty little kids that like to throw things. They don’t even taste good.

I know what a tide is – it’s a phenomenon of (among other factors,) the rotation of the earth and the moon’s effect on large bodies of water – usually oceans. I’ve never known it to be crimson, though I remember something about a red tide when algae with high mercury levels clog the shore and poison everything.

What am I supposed to do with this? You throw a bunch of nuts into a poisoned ocean and they bob around for a while, collecting mercury residue until the tide brings them to shore? This could be the most boring game of football since Howard Cosell retired.

But!!!!!!!!!!!! Mercury laden water is NOT the mascot for the Crimson Tide! An elephant is, because as everyone knows, elephants can always be found bobbing through the tide in the Gulf of Mexico near where Alabama has its 37 feet of coastline.

Elephants eat nuts; nuts can’t do anything to elephants. They can’t even run away without nasty children to throw them.

Again – too easy. I better go with the Buckeyes.

So, our National Championship game (not to be confused with all the other National Championship games,) will be the Oregon Ducks vs. the Ohio State Buckeyes, (assuming that neither Dim Sum nor mercury poisoning interfere.)

Please inform your bookie that you got your tip from Headley Hauser’s Just Plain Stupid blog, (so I can get my cut when you lose.)

What about the pros? I’ll give it a shot. Name the four teams involved…

What? Twelve teams!? I better wait until they whittle that down a bit.

Yes, it's a replay video, but I like it, and football games are 40% replays and 40% beer commercials.