College Football Analysis for the Uninformed Part One

Memo from the Boss:

Headley – 2014 was too dreadful to be funny and 2015 doesn’t look hopeful. Talk about sports for your New Years post. I know you don’t know anything about the subject, but do the best you can.

Walter Bego – Go Figure Reads

So today begins the playoff for the NCAA college football Bowl Division national championship. This is opposed to the NCAA national championship in their playoff division… and their other playoff divisions. There’s also the NAIA’s playoff division for schools too small to be owned by multi-national corporations, the AARP touch football, run slowly, and try not to break a hip playoff division, and the pros who are different from the college guys because they don’t have to pay someone to write term papers for them.

What do you say we just scrap the NCAA, NAIA, NSA, IRS, AARP and anything else that uses letters to hide their name?

This afternoon we have the Florida State Seminoles against the Oregon Ducks, and then tonight we have the Ohio State Buckeyes against the Alabama Crimson Tide.

What – no SUNY Albany Great Danes?

Let’s forget the Xs and Os (along with the other 24 letters in the alphabet,) and focus on how the mascots would fare against each other.

Game One – Seminoles against Ducks

Seminoles are Native Americans that once wandered the territory we now know as Florida and Georgia. They were nomadic hunters from a number of Native American tribes and were known for their independence and fierceness in combat.

Ducks are waterfowl that can fly and taste really good with Dim Sum.

The Seminoles have sharp spears, and keen hunting skills; the ducks have webbed feet, and look cute when the walk.

Too easy – there has to be a catch here. I better go with the Ducks.

Game Two – Buckeyes against Crimson Tide

      Buckeyes are nuts. Really, they’re nuts that come from trees. They don’t do anything except provide ammo for nasty little kids that like to throw things. They don’t even taste good.

I know what a tide is – it’s a phenomenon of (among other factors,) the rotation of the earth and the moon’s effect on large bodies of water – usually oceans. I’ve never known it to be crimson, though I remember something about a red tide when algae with high mercury levels clog the shore and poison everything.

What am I supposed to do with this? You throw a bunch of nuts into a poisoned ocean and they bob around for a while, collecting mercury residue until the tide brings them to shore? This could be the most boring game of football since Howard Cosell retired.

But!!!!!!!!!!!! Mercury laden water is NOT the mascot for the Crimson Tide! An elephant is, because as everyone knows, elephants can always be found bobbing through the tide in the Gulf of Mexico near where Alabama has its 37 feet of coastline.

Elephants eat nuts; nuts can’t do anything to elephants. They can’t even run away without nasty children to throw them.

Again – too easy. I better go with the Buckeyes.

So, our National Championship game (not to be confused with all the other National Championship games,) will be the Oregon Ducks vs. the Ohio State Buckeyes, (assuming that neither Dim Sum nor mercury poisoning interfere.)

Please inform your bookie that you got your tip from Headley Hauser’s Just Plain Stupid blog, (so I can get my cut when you lose.)

What about the pros? I’ll give it a shot. Name the four teams involved…

What? Twelve teams!? I better wait until they whittle that down a bit.

Yes, it's a replay video, but I like it, and football games are 40% replays and 40% beer commercials.