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Monday, November 11, 2013


Years before Headley and the Rug, when the internet was still a new thing, I wrote Sandy Sue on my WebTV. I could never get my PC to work properly with its newfangled Windows 95 software (which I miss these days because Windows 8 is horrid,) so I wrote in emails which I then stored as text files.

Were we ever so young?
Sandy Sue
by Headley Hauser

Sandy Sue laid an egg every day! Very unusual for a duck. Even more

unusual was the etching and coloring on each egg. Sandy was the daily

mother of great masterpieces.

Tuesday it might be a Van Gogh self portrait,
 Thursday the unicorn in captivity,
Sunday, the Pieta (a miracle!)
 each day a different perfect representation of a fine work of art.

Like most artists, Sandy was frequently misunderstood. Her Warhol

was thought by one park employee to be debris left from someones lunch.

Her Barnett Newman was mistaken by many to be a simple Easter egg.
Sandy showed no offence, no wounded pride, no artist's pique. She sat in her

little nest by her somewhat scummy duckpond content to create art for

the purest of motives: motherhood.

As time passed, she gained a celebrity among humans rivaled by only

the most accomplished ducks. The "Sandy Sue appreciation society (the

honorable Donald M Fowler, president)" numbered more people than the

entire province of Prince Edward Island. It was inevitable that her

many admirers, seeking a way of showing appreciation for her art, began

to consider her deplorable living conditions.

A magnificent new nest was constructed from the finest silk, with gold

filigree surrounded by tasteful aquatic bric a brac. The nest was

placed beside a radiant pool of fresh Evian water. Croutons from the

finest french restaurants were served (a la carte) by children of

impeccable breeding and education. Strains from Handel's water music

caressed her (imperceptible) duck ears.

For three days, Sandy nibbled contentedly and produced an

astoundingly detailed school of Athens
as well as two Gauguins (rather risqué with so many children present).
The next day she flew away.

A comprehensive search was initiated by D M Fowler himself. Sandy

Sue was found, chewing on a blade of grass by her tiny nest.

Risking nasty stains on the knees of his seersucker trousers,
the honorable Mr. Fowler approached Sandy.

"We've done all we could imagine to make you comfortable and happy,

Sandy Sue. Why is it that you've left such a lovely environment for

this unsanitary little pond in such a tawdry city park?"

0val rims of green lined deep pools of thoughtful brown in Sandy's

eyes as she studied her benefactor.

"Quack," she replied.

Here’s a duck related video